Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Sunday, March 25, 2007


My stepdad came over today and picked up all of the furniture that won’t fit in the new house, plus a few boxes of stuff I won’t need or can’t be bothered sorting until I’m in education department housing somewhere next year. The new house is fully furnished except for the bedroom I’m in, so the stuff to go included my couch, dining suite and entertainment unit, leaving the living area an open, desolate place containing a beanbag, a bookshelf, a few random boxes and cushions, and a TV sitting on the floor.

The general effect of this denuding of my living space is that I’m feeling very depressed and lonely this evening. I hate moving house, hate it bitterly, and I just keep moving, again and again and again. I can never stay in one place long enough to put forth roots, and half the time I wouldn’t want to anyway as I don’t want to stay in the area. Or I do put down roots in spite of myself, and it hurts like hell to leave. I still miss Sydney and I thought I hated the place when I was there!

I never signed on to be a nomad 

The emptiness of the house is making my life feel empty too. I’m lonely. Not for friends, but for a significant other, or rather the significant other. Whoever he is. I’m sick of waiting, hoping, longing. I’m tired of not meeting anyone the least bit interesting. I’m tired of guys I could never like taking an interest in me. And I’m really tired of meeting wonderful guys who are taken . . . that has happened an obscene number of times in the last three years. I’m doing everything I should be doing, but I just haven’t been lucky yet. I’m fed up with waiting and there’s not one damn thing I can do except keep on putting up with it.

Jemima doesn’t like the new furniture arrangements either. She keeps hunkering down in the middle of formerly-occupied bits of floor and looking at me. She’s not going to enjoy moving house, but since she’s stuck with me, poor little Jemmy had better get used to it. That’s our life.

I’m exhausted and ought to go to bed but I can’t face lying there in the dark turning my troubles over and over in my mind. Or worse, losing it and starting to cry when there’s no one here to make me stop. Either way I know I won’t be able to sleep. It’s going to be a bad night and all I can do is postpone it as long as possible, as the world gets quieter and the house feels bigger and the loneliness just doesn’t stop.


I can very much sympathize with moving. I haven't lived a year in a single place in a very, very long time - I would say nearly four years now.

It hurts. However, you're closer to it than I - I have another three years to go (Four, depending on Masters' program) before I move on.

I don't know what to say for the latter, I'm not in a hurry to meet my SO. (And to be honest, I suspect he's been around the entire time)

Just lots of hugs. You've a year before you get your degree, and once you've got that, you'll be able to settle.

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