Still here ... honestly ...

I can't really apologise for failing to blog lately. I haven't even been trying. Putting words to my life right now just gives me flaily panicky feelings most of the time.

So here's some things that have been happening . . .

I leave for the UK in 3 weeks tomorrow. All the paperwork is done and I'm almost half packed (or something like that ...). Right now there is a lot of chaos around and bits and pieces of things I need to get done, which isn't really very much fun. I'm not having second thoughts exactly, but I'm finding myself frequently almost paralysed with fear that this will go horribly wrong.  My chief fear is running out of money. Logically I know that I will have work, and it is going to be steady work, and if the teaching work is not quite enough I can waitress or something too, but I'm terrified of being alone in a strange city with no money. Silly terror since I will plan to avoid exactly that and will know well in advance if that is a likely outcome, but still. I am so scared it hurts.

I just need to breathe. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it ok.

*

I got 82% on my first assignment for the year. It was a theology assignment so that's quite impressive - my first essay in a new discipline! When the tutor starts the comments with the words "your essay's only weakness...", you know you've done okay. I'm still enjoying both the theology and the literature units, and still thinking about doing higher level study in both of them. I just can't make up my mind which order to do them in! Master of Ministry first, or literature PhD? Hmm. Oh well, I won't finish the BA until mid-2013 so I have a while to decide.

*

I'm struggling a little at the moment with the feeling that I've managed to get my 20s and 30s arse-backwards. I spent the whole of my 20s chasing the dream of settling down and having a family, and failing at it miserably. Now I'm about to enter my 30s and getting to the age where time for that is ticking away rapidly, and yet I've suddenly discovered the joy of being free and untethered, and I want to get out there and have random relationships and new experiences and not aim to be tied down at all for a good while yet. And through that I risk running out of time to have a family.

There's nothing I can do about it except trust that it will work out okay (and remember that the women in my family have had healthy pregnancies well into their 40s so I shouldn't fear running out of time all that much), but I can't help the feeling of wanting to stamp my feet and shriek that it's not fair. It's like I'm trying to cram everything that my 20s should have been into the last few precious months before I hit my 30s, and I'm getting so confused about what I want and where I want it. I think, overall, that the London move will make this easier not harder - new people and places and contexts in which I can safely explore my real, full identity without the weight of peoples' presuppositions and past knowledge. I am determined not to hide anything about myself amongst my new friends in London. I've spent so much time concealing so much of me in Perth that I'm now hemmed in to the outer identity I've woven. There's a few people who get the full version of Christine (hi, Hilary) but not many. I want everyone to know the whole Christine from now on, and it's easier to begin that with a clean slate in a new city. I hope.

*

I'm currently enjoying a ... thing ... with a guy, which is very sane and comfortable and enjoyable and undemanding and affectionate and lovely. We both know it's going nowhere because I'm leaving the country, but it's enough for right now. How ironic that the "thing" that is ostensibly not a relationship is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. What was that phrase again? Oh yeah, "arse-backwards". That's the one. *headdesk*

*

My grandfather is in hospital with "multiple infections", after having been hospitalised for pneumonia and sent home again. He is quite ill and very uncomfortable. A small part of my brain is in full-scale freak-out over this, but the rest of my brain can't deal and has just shut the door and said kindly but firmly that we'll deal with that if and when we have to, and not before. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about this - afraid that it's an unnatural Aspie reaction that people would find cold and heartless - but it's the only way I can cope at the moment. I have so many things on my "oh hey there potential meltdown" list that the only way I'm surviving is by refusing to acknowledge them. I'm pretty sure there'll be an episode of rather cathartic stormy weeping when I hit a calm spot, but I'll deal with that later too.

*

I am trying to sell my car. I've never sold a car before. I don't really want to sell this one. Bah.

*

I have reached the point where I need to rehome my beautiful wonderful cat, Jemima. This is another thing I know I'll cry about when I finally let go, but I can't let go just yet. If you're in the Perth area and want a cat, consider giving Jemima a home. She is a darling. This is where she is right now . . . I was lying on the bed under a brown blanket doing uni readings, and she lay down next to me pressed right up against my body. When I got up and went back to the computer, she made a nest out of the blanket and curled up in it. D'awwww.

*

This song by Kelly Clarkson is where I am at right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLUmlyuXonk

*

I think I've pretty much covered everything. Welcome to my life right now. It is complicated!

Now that I've got all of this out of my system I'm hopeful that I'll be back to regular blogging. I've been frozen in silence for a while, but I've broken through, so now there may be a flood ...

Months and Meltdowns

Yesterday at work I had a completely unexpected teary meltdown. I was thinking about the things I still have to do before I leave, and one of the biggest of those is re-homing my lovely cat, Jemima. One minute I was making a calm plan for this in my head, the next minute my eyes were full of tears that just wouldn't stop coming. I managed to keep it to the 'seeping eyes, possibly hayfever' level for a couple of hours (with a brief interlude of sobbing in the ladies') before someone got suspicious and asked what was wrong, at which point I completely lost it for a couple of minutes. Thankfully work was quiet and I was able to blot and sniff and breathe deeply lot and regain my composure.

I realised later that I'm almost certainly premenstrual and thus hormonal, and that's probably why a sad necessity that I have accepted for months suddenly turned me into a blubbering mess. I took a vitamin B tablet as soon as I got home yesterday, and I'll take another one in a minute, and hopefully that'll keep me from being too drippy. I'm still getting used to having a monthly cycle after so long!

I'm still feeling quite torn up about Jemima. I can't take her to the UK (it would be prohibitively expensive, and also bitterly unfair when she hates travelling, and would also completely destroy the freedom of movement I need to make this UK experience everything I want it to be ... it just wouldn't work). And staying here in Australia and never having any of those wonderful experiences, for the sake of a cat who can't possibly understand the sacrifice, is absurd. I am certain I will find a loving home for her amongst my many friends and acquaintances. Someone will take her and love her and look after her, and send me pictures occasionally. But that knowledge doesn't stop me from feeling terribly sad about it. Jem has been one of the only constants in my life since I got her 3.5 years ago, and for significant portions of time, my household has consisted solely of myself and Jemmy. I will miss her SO much.

Hugs and chocolates please? Well, maybe not chocolates, but hugs would be welcome :)

Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

Sometimes There's Nothing You Can Do . . .

I'll freely admit that my tiredness is often my own fault. I don't go to sleep early enough or with enough dedication sometimes. Other times it's insomnia, or just difficult circumstances, but most often it's just my bad sleeping habits.

Last night, however, was SO NOT MY FAULT.

At 9pm I was dozing off on the couch, so I decided I'd go to bed early and get a long night's sleep before getting up early. So I took a sleeping tablet, read for a little while then switched the light out. Despite the fact that the tablet was pulling me under, I had trouble getting off to sleep because the bogong moths were being noisy and the people across the road from me were talking out the front of their house and receiving text messages rather noisily. Just as I was dropping off at about 10:30 I heard a rumble of thunder. Then I awoke again at about 11:30 when a cracker of a thunderstorm went over. I was too much under the influence of the sleeping pill to wake up properly and enjoy it, but it was too noisy, between the constant thunder and the rain and I suspect hail too, for me to get back to sleep. Finally after about an hour I did drop off again. Then at about 4am I was awoken by a cacophony from my study, which is full of boxes and stuff I'm trying to sort into them. I went in and found a dead mouse in the doorway and Jemima chasing a very much live rabbit around the boxes. I chased the cat out, but I couldn't catch the rabbit so I shut the study door with the rabbit still inside, put the mouse in the bin and went back to sleep. About an hour and a half later I awoke to a funny noise and found that it was getting light and Jem had another rabbit, this one dead, on the floor of my bedroom. I hissed at her, put the rabbit in the bin (picking it up in an old cloth!) and went back to bed yet again. Just as I was dropping off, the sun rose, shining through my open window straight into my eyes. I groaned, rolled over, dropped back to sleep for about an hour, and then my alarm went off.

I really feel that the universe must have had it in for me last night - I did the right thing, went to bed early, and . . . argh!

(In case you're wondering, I opened the study door before I left for school this morning, and I assume Jemima has caught and dealt with the live rabbit! I don't mind her eating them as they're an agricultural pest, but I really wish she wouldn't bring them inside).

In other news, I'm very excited because I have a job interview at a Montessori school in the hills, in the suburb next to where Mum lives. I want this job so very much, but I have to get through the interview first and that's not for a couple of weeks! December 16th is the day. They've already spoken to my referees which is a good sign lol. I'd love to get back to Perth. I haven't lived in the city or suburbs with a car of my own before, and the possibilities are taking my breath away. Back with my friends . . . able to go where I want . . . NOT doing a 100km round trip every time I need groceries . . . there's even a choir I can sing in which I never knew about! I'm trying not to get too excited because it's by no means certain, but I'm hopeful.

Jemima . . .

. . . was asleep next to me on the couch, lying on her side with her paws out in front of her. She was twitching and purring a bit in her sleep (she does this a lot when she's dreaming), then suddenly, she jumped - with her whole body - and moved a foot to the left, landed and then woke up. She was understandably very alarmed to wake up suddenly landing a foot from where she started, and she promptly attacked a cushion viciously as the culprit then ran off and is now sitting rather resentfully in the hall.

I can't stop laughing.

Poor kitty!

Life, the next bit

Monday today, and it didn't take long for most of the staff to find out what my weekend was like. The reaction was unanimous:

a) No one is in the least surprised that we broke up;

b) Everyone is proud of me for being positive and focusing on the future;

c) Everyone is agreed that I Should Not Put Up With That Crap, and if the relationship is to continue then Things Have To Change;

d) Everyone said some variation on You're Well Shot Of Him, There's Plenty More Fish In The Sea, You Need To Look After Number One or You Could Do So Much Better.

Lunch time culminated in a roll-call of all local young single guys . . . aaaack they're going to try to marry me off to one of the locals! Lol.

I have felt a huge surge of confidence in myself today. This morning I got to school feeling in control and full of energy, rather than dreary and tired after yet another miserable evening. The day flew by and I taught a whole lot of interesting, solid lessons. After school, rather than feeling exhausted and defeated, I was able to tackle everything I needed to do right away, and the lesson ideas came easily and pleasantly. I got so much done. Then this evening I came home knowing I could spend the evening living in my house and doing what needed to be done, rather than (as formerly) hanging around waiting for S to come online because he would sulk if I wasn't available; or (as latterly) hanging around hoping that S would speak to me and tell me what the hell was going on. Now I've eaten a lovely dinner and I'm feeling relaxed and happy and full of hope for the future.

Maybe S and I can work things out. I don't know. What I do know is that I want to be with someone who tackles life with courage and enthusiasm, rather than treating everything as a disaster that can never be rectified. Can an inflexible, sooky 35-year-old drama llama learn to live joyfully? Maybe he can. But I've had enough of relationships that suck the joy out of life. My whole world this year has been about constantly bolstering and reassuring S and walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him, without the least bit of support in return. I am not a doormat. I want to live, not be trampled and torn. Enough is enough.

PS: I forgot, it was Jemima-Cat's second birthday yesterday. My itty bitty kitty is all growed up! :-D

PPS: I also forgot to post my weigh-in yesterday. It was 74.6. I lost 800g last week and I've now lost 6.8kg overall. Another 1.3kg and I will have lost 10% of my starting weight, and another 3.2kg to go before I reach my initial 10kg goal! I'm really doing this! 18.2kg to go . . . I'm really looking forward to being thin! And as nice as 'thin and engaged' would have been, 'thin, single and looking' does sound awfully appealing lol.

Yay!

Just for once, I'm organised and on top of things in July, and I've lodged my Tax Return only 27 days after lodgements opened, rather than a few days before they close (31st October) like most years! And the fantastic news is that the preliminary calculator on in the lodgement software reckons I'll get just over $4900 back! This is because I switched from casual to full-time work halfway through the financial year, and I also had a lot of tax-deductable expenses like professional association membership and books I've bought for school, et cetera. The calculator is usually pretty accurate and I can bet on getting at least $4000. I'm planning to completely wipe out my highest-interest debt with that, plus get a new printer and a few new pieces of clothing, and buy S's birthday present which will be quite pricey if I can find what I want for him :-D. So, yay! I can expect to have the money within two weeks.

 

Today is Day Six of my attempt to lose 10kg by Christmas. I started back on Weight Watchers last Tuesday, and I'm finally using my online account properly - logging my weight, recording everything that I eat, etc. It's a useful system because it calculates the points for you and has just about every food imaginable (including branded stuff) in a database, so you just type in the food, select the quantity, and voila! Points calculated and added to your daily record. You can also save favourite foods so that you don't have to go searching for them every time. I'm loving it. Sunday is my weigh-in day (I FINALLY found my scales this morning, I was looking in the wrong place lol) so I'm going to be posting every Sunday with a progress report. I'm hoping you guys can be a part of my support team!

 

Today, I weighed in at 83.3 kilos. YUCK. This is pretty much the most I've ever weighed - it's been fluctuating between 80 and 84 since the start of 2006, with no real progress either way. I'm setting myself up to lose 500g each week, which will result in 10kg off by Christmas with a small margin for error. 500g may be an underestimate based on my prior experiences with Weight Watchers - I can lose up to 1kg a week - but I'll keep it like that by now and if I'm losing more it will be a bonus! My long-term goal is to lose the whole 25kg I need to lose by July 2009 -meaning that my weight will be well and truly stable by the time I need to start thinking about thinks like wedding dresses. No, still not engaged. Just promised :-) And if Mum is going to make my wedding dress she will need me to have a stable (and acceptable!) weight at least 4 months before the wedding. So now is the time to get cracking.

 

I'm doing myself up a big wall mural with helpful images, quotes and words on it, and useful strategies that I can remind myself to use when I get stuck. I'll take a picture when it's done.

 

And now for something completely different - pictures of Jemima that I took a few minutes ago. She's in my bedroom curled up in her bed, which is in front of the heater (funny, that). It took ages to get these pictures because she kept starting to clean herself every time I focused! Enjoy :)

"I wuv u"

"Take photos, will you? Then I'll clean my nose"

Do not ask me how her pupils ended up turquoise in this shot!

Looking intently at my fingers, which I was wiggling to get her attention

Pretty fed up and about to start licking herself again lol

And finally, this is a picture of a rainbow that I saw during Perth's major storm the Friday before last. Originally it had been a complete and vivid arc, but I was on the highway when I saw that, and by the time I stopped at an intersection (with plenty of time to take a photo, I didn't hold up traffic!), it had dwindled to this. But still, it looks pretty cool.

What a wake-up :-(

Last night (or rather early this morning), I woke up to find Jemima scampering around my bed like a mad thing, trying to get under it from any direction. She can't because she's too big. I assumed that there was a mouse or a moth under the bed which she was trying to catch, and since I'm not particularly bothered by either of those, I put her out of my room, shut the door, had a quick look under the bed and couldn't see anything obvious, and went back to sleep. It went down to freezing here last night - 0 degrees C - and I wasn't staying out of my warm bed long for anyone or anything.

This morning, Jem woke me again meowing frantically at my door. I woke up and was going to let her in, so I looked down beside the bed where my feet were going to go, and there was a small brown bunny rabbit next to my bed.

It must have been in the deep shade near my bedside table when I looked under the bed, because a rabbit just bigger than your hand isn't exactly a creature one can overlook, no matter how cold and tired you are.

Anyway, I found an old cloth and wrapped the bunny up in it - it was very scared but seemed okay - and put it right down the back of my yard where hopefully it will go away and the cat won't find it again. I know rabbits are an agricultural pest and really need to be exterminated, but how could I hurt such a little furry thing?

Jem sulked for a couple of hours after that but she's forgiven me now, particularly since I put the heater on! It's still bitterly cold - nearly midday and it's only 7 degrees C. I have to go into school in a little while - it's Sunday and the students come back from holidays on Tuesday so I need to get stuff photocopied and the classroom reorganised. Not looking forward to trying to pin up posters and things with cold hands, and as far as I know there isn't even a heater in the photocopy room. Boo :(

Photos

This afternoon I stepped out the front door and saw that a whole lot of pink flowers had suddenly appeared in my front garden. This may have happened because the last week of school was too stressful for me to pay attention!

Anyway, this led to a jaunt around the garden taking pictures, accompanied by Jemima, who made it clear she was following me while refusing to let me get close enough to her to potentially grab her and bring her inside!

Enjoy :-)

I found my TV remote finally!

Disclaimer: it's after 1am. I shouldn't even be awake. But there's a public holiday tomorrow so I'm not trying to fight the insomnia. Every time I got to bed I get upset because S isn't there with me, so I'm just not going to try until I'm too tired to care. Wonderful weekends together equal sucky feelings of loss afterwards :-(

Anyways, this insomnia has had one good side-effect: the remote for my large hired TV has been missing since I moved in - I last used it back in April when I was living at my friend's house, and after two haphazard house moves and many intervening months, I'd wound up with not the faintest idea which box it was in. And a thorough scouring of every box had failed to turn it up, so I was starting to feel thoroughly clueless about it.

A little while ago, I was in the spare room cuddling Jemima, who has her food and bed and so forth in there and was enjoying my company. Then she got cheeky and took a swipe at my hand, so I decied to amuse myself by looking through some of the odd collections of stuff in my "random storage" boxes - some of the bags in these boxes haven't actually been sorted since I left Sydney in December 2005, so there's some stuff in there that I've forgotten I ever bought or acquired.

As I was attacking a box, I noticed on top of it a green bag which I'd seen many times before. It had half a dozen fiction books on top, so I'd pretty much dismissed it as "bag of books" and ignored it. But as I moved it aside I noticed that there was a medicine spray and a toiletries bag underneath the books, and I thought “wait, what else might be in there?”. With the remote in mind, I lifted the books out and . . . there was the remote! I couldn’t believe it, after all this time, that finding it was that simple. *headdesk*

PS: Awww. When I came online I vaguely hoped that S might be online - he's not working until tomorrow afternoon/evening and sometimes he stays up quite late so there was just a slight chance. I don't know if he picked up vibes from me or what, but he logged in to MSN about 10 minutes after I did, and of course immediately checked that I was okay because he was so surprised to see me online this late. He reminded me that he gave me a teddy bear to cuddle when I miss him, and told me he misses me too, and generally made me feel loved and warm and better. I'll try sleeping again soon.

Fish and kittens

Today, Carlene and I took our combined classes (30 kids aged 6-11) to AQWA on our very firstest excursion. It went off splendidly and I wish I could post some of the cute photos of my kids. Most of them had never been to AQWA so it was a fantastic learning experience and they got to see and do some really different stuff, like touching sting rays and Port Jackson sharks and starfish. The day went incredibly smoothly – no lost children, no serious misbehaviour, and no injuries, hurrah! We left at 8:30, got there at 11am, left again at 2pm and were home at 4:30, all as planned, but I’m sooo tired. Much more tired than if I’d been teaching all day. Carlene and I sat with the registrar and chatted afterwards, and I noticed that I was shaking like a leaf. I’m not sure why – the heat, the tiredness, low sugar – but it was not nice!

So, a success, but a bloody exhausting one.

*

For the last four nights, I’ve dreamed about kittens. I don’t remember the first and fourth nights’ dreams, I just woke up with kittens on my mind. The second night I dreamed that I was at the shopping centre and every single shop was selling kittens – the hairdresser, the florist, jewellery shops, clothing shops, they all had cages of kittens out the front. And the third night I dreamed that as well as Jemima I had a grey tabby kitten named Amelia (which is a name I love for a child, not a cat!).

Now, the reason for this dream sequence could be simple – my subconscious wanting to get another itty-bitty-kitten now that Jem is nearly a fully-grown cat (an adorable one, mind; even if she did just attack my feet). I’m very happy just with Jem and have no idea how she’d react to an adopted baby brother or sister, so I’m not planning on getting one.

But given how many dreams I’ve had about this, I think it must be something a little more intense than vaguely wanting a kitten around. Anyone care to analyse my excess of dream kitties? 

Jemima is in my laundry . . .

. . . biting my geckos. Grr! Any suggestions on how to teach a cat to ignore brightly coloured live wriggling yummy things? No? Funny that . . .

I'm having SO much fun here - my kids are mostly awesome and I'm actually teaching them stuff, as in they're actually learning! The days just fly by and school is fantastic and I love going to work and I'm in exactly the right place at the right time. WOW.

But I am so. damn. tired. It's hot here at the moment (most days are over 30 C and many are over 35 C) and after restless hot nights and a long days at school it is so hard to stay awake and do all of the things I need to do in the evening. For example I just told S on MSN that I’d spent part of my evening watching two Buffy episodes while watching my dinner. That’s right, watching my dinner. Hmmph.

*yawn* I need to go back to cutting various shapes out of orange cardboard for a geometry lesson tomorrow, but rest assured I am well and happy and will even stay awake until the end of this sentenzzzzzzz

Jemmy Cuteness

Yesterday when I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, Jemima came into the room, miaowed at me, then jumped into the (empty) bathtub and lay down. I went to stroke her, but she took a swat at my hand so, being a good owner, I went to get a toy to tempt her with and my camera to photograph her with :-D



Don't be fooled by the angelic look of this pic, she was in a seriously cranky mood lol.



It looks like she's pouncing on my runaway tube of exfoliating scrub here, and ignoring the ball completely . . . she was ignoring the ball but there's actually a tiny spider under her paw. A minute later she tried to eat said spider and apparently didn't enjoy the taste or sensation, because she pulled the funniest "blech!" face I've ever seen on anyone, cat or human! Sadly I failed to capture the moment on film.

I’ve just got back . . .

. . . from spending the weekend with S in Perth. It was my first night away from Little Country Town since I moved in, and I was nervous about how Jemima would go alone overnight. She seems fine (but very happy to see me!) and the house is all exactly as I left it, so I guess she did alright.

It’s nice to be home, and nice that Little Country Town already feels like home, even though I’ve been here less than a week. I’ve done my best so far to adopt the house and the town, and I feel like the house has adopted me and the town is working on it (I’m now recognised immediately by the folks at the post office, petrol station, hardware and supermarket, and I’ve met one set of neighbours). And slowly but surely I’m falling in love with the beautiful aspects of this place – the quietness, the incredibly vivid stars at night (hardly any lights, so they’re just spectacular), and the amazing flocks of galahs or cockatoos (I haven’t got close enough to know which yet) that fly over the town and roost in the trees just outside it at night. And I’m still enjoying the feeling of driving along the open road between golden fields of wheat and gnarled old salmon gums.

Every now and then this place makes me catch my breath and sigh with delight. I think being here will be ok :-)

But the downside to being back is that I miss S like crazy. We’re going to see each other every weekend, but the weekend we just had together was so wonderful and cozy that it was very hard on both of us when I had to leave. I keep reminding myself that next year we’ll be able to live together – with the help of luck, providence or stubbornness – but this year is going to be tough.

I’m trying to think positive – focusing on the good weekends, not the loneliness in between.

PS: It is apparently physically impossible for me to drive past a wheat field with a windmill in it without starting to whistle or hum the theme music from "Twister", which features a lot of that kind of scenery. *shrug* . . . at least it's beautiful music!

YAAAAAAWN

I had a pleasant but quiet New Years. S and I went to see “The Golden Compass” (which was fantastic, btw – two thumbs up on that one) then went back to his house and just sat around chatting and enjoying each others’ company until midnight and after. I had to drive home as I had Mum’s car, so I didn’t get in until after 3am, and then Jemima decided to be a pain in the butt and attack me regularly for the next two hours (I think she was peeved as I’ve been away overnight several times recently). So I’ve had hardly any sleep worth mentioning, and I’m spending today alternately trying to do nothing and then doing stuff because I forget that I'm not doing anything :-D

My family’s Christmas and New Year festive period officially ends at the end of tomorrow, which is Mum’s birthday. After that, dieting kicks in!

I have two main goals for 2008: get my weight under control, and get my finances under control. I have lots of plans about how to do this, and my first plan is to take weight watchers seriously this year. I’m going to lose at least 15 and preferably 25 kilograms by next Christmas. It’s totally achievable, I just have to set my mind to it. It’ll be slow going until I move to Little Country Town, as I won’t have full food control until then, but then it’ll be action stations!

These are the things I’m going to do to lose weight:

1. Eat a 19-points-per-day diet, partly by buying pre-prepared Weight Watchers products to make up as much of my diet as possible. This will also help with being organised, as I can buy the pre-frozen WW dinners for some nights of the week and therefore won’t have to cook when I’m really busy.

2. Jump on the treadmill for 30-60 minutes’ brisk walking after work every day. Or walk around the town once the weather cools.

3. Get a dog later in the year, and take the dog for walks before and after school.

4. Do regular daily housework to keep my house looking nice (as I overeat if I feel bad about how my house looks) and to give myself some extra exercise.

5. Look at starting sports – I know the town is always looking for people who can join their football, netball and hockey teams, and tennis pennant club. I wouldn’t mind giving hockey a crack (no pun intended!) or getting back into tennis. I don’t know how my bad hand will stand up to either of those, but it’s worth a try and it’s a good way to integrate into the town as well.

6. Look at other ways to get exercise, like swimming laps at the pool while it is open (November to March, it’s an outdoor pool), going to the town’s gym (casual sessions $6), spending time bushwalking the spectacular hills nearby the town, and not using the car to get to the supermarket, post office, church etc which are all 5 minutes’ walk from my house!

I really want to do this . . . be prepared for alternate whinging and celebrating as I get started!

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I began my preliminary planning for teaching today, because I couldn’t relax without starting it, despite the fact that I’m so dozy. I’m thinking of possibly starting with a sea & water theme – I need to find out whether that’s something they’ve done recently. I’ve got ideas for a couple of excursions and some interesting lessons, and there’s a science module I can run along the same theme. It feels good to be coming to grips with it all!

Apologies . . .

. . . for the severe lack of bloggage lately.

I'm only updating quickly as I want to go to bed, but I promise a full thingy will be forthcoming, eventually.

- I survived, and passed, the two-week prac - my voice came back and I managed alright from then on despite a heavy cold.

- I'm still sick with the latest progression of the virus, which paranoia would suggest is looking more and more like whooping cough. It can't be, I don't have time. But the fact that I'm having long spasms of uncontrollable coughing is undeniable, so whether it's WC or not is largely academic.

- I went for another walk last week and took more nice nature photos. The creek is much higher, I've got some cool before-and-after shots from the two walks.

- Jemima is fine and I can't quite believe how big she is these days, I need to take more pictures of her.

That's all for now, I need to take cough medicine and go to bed. I hope Sunday will be update day!

Jemima Update

Due to various problems with managing Jemima's life inside this house, she's made the transition to being allowed outside this week. I don't really like her being outside - it's not good for the wildlife - but there's no other way to handle things at the moment. We're on a half-acre block on a quiet street, so at least it's pretty safe for her.

She's been an absolute hoot - it's been raining on and off so it's very damp out side, and her initial explorations yesterday were punctuated with little remarks of disgust about the fact that she was getting wet.

I kept going to find her yesterday to see if she was ready to come inside, and she would first miaow to let me know where she was, then start plaintively miaowing because she didn't want me to pick her up and take her inside! She's thoroughly enamoured of the outdoors life and fascinated by everything. She only came in well after dark yesterday because it started to really pour with rain. Poor Jem came streaking up to the back door utterly drenched, and was very pathetic and cranky for about an hour until the combined forces of my towelling, her cleaning and the bedroom heater dried her off again. This morning she couldn't wait to go outside, and she ran away when I tried to bring her in again. She can use the cat flap (as long as the other cat doesn't ambush her, which she did this morning, grr) so she'll come in when she's ready, I guess.

I feel like a parent whose child has gone out alone for the first time. It's scary but rather rewarding as well lol.

What I Want vs What I Really Want

Apologies to everyone who has a Spice Girls song stuck in their head due to the title. And apologies to everyone who didn’t after reading the title, but does now because of Apology #1.

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last day about my need to “plan” the future out in my head, to know what I’m going to be doing from year to year and how I’m going to do it. It’s hard to talk to people about it because I’ve found that they don’t understand that they’re not real plans, and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t happen the way I imagine. I just need to have a plan.

The reason I’ve been thinking about it is that I’ve realised that my high-functioning autistic brother (9yo) does the same thing. He’ll start to fret about something so far in the future that it’s absurd (for example, he’s currently fretting about the fact that he doesn’t know how to get a job when he wants to start earning money). Mum or I will try to explain to him how it works, step by step, and he will repeat it back to us. Each time he hits something he doesn’t understand, we have to clarify, and after the clarification, he goes back to the beginning of the explanation and recites it with the new information, until he hits the next bit he doesn’t understand . . . then back to the beginning again.

I do exactly the same things when making these comfort-plans of the future. I’ll think my way through, work out a detail, go back to the start, think it through again, add another aspect, go back to the start . . . it’s not fretful worrying for me, but otherwise it’s the exact same process.Tends to indicate that it’s an autism spectrum thing, which explains why most people find it weird lol.

Right now I’m struggling with the fact that there’s the plan I ostensibly want, which is sensible and fits cultural norms and such; and then there’s the plan I really want, which people will find strange and old-fashioned but actually fits my character and temperament far better.

Plan A is the one I’ve discussed before – teach in the country a bit, teach in London a bit, come back, teach while having a respectably middle-sized family and using childcare so that I can keep working for a lot of the time. Then there's Plan B. It goes like this: I go to the country to teach, fall in love with both the town and someone in it, teach for a while then stop work and be a stay-at-home-writing-Mum to a largeish family (apart from some relief teaching if there’s someone I can leave the kids with), then go back to teaching in however many years once the youngest is in pre-primary.

Now, most people would be horrified at the idea of my pursuing plan B – big families (I’m only talking 6 or 7 mind, not 15!) are politically incorrect, and intelligent women aren’t supposed to want to be stay-at-home Mums. Plus it’s financially “unwise”. But I know myself, and I think I’d thrive on that lifestyle.

And I’m wavering on London, simply because of the hassle of it all. Plus there’s one major problem with the London plan – Jemima would have to go into quarantine for 6 months when I came back to Australia, and that’s a nasty thing to do to a cat. I’m not capable of putting my cat through anything like that, nor could I give her away. So the chances are I’d feel trapped in London in the end because I wouldn’t want to move back in Jemima’s lifetime. And that just doesn’t work any way you look at it.

I’ll have LOTS of holidays as a teacher, and with careful budgeting while I’m still young and child-free I’ll be able to travel Europe plenty. Do I really need to live there? Really? Deciding to go to London was a get-out plan because I was scared that I’d get trapped in country WA with no prospects of meeting anyone. And I can keep it as that – if in a couple of years I feel trapped, I go to London, and deal with the hassle. Fine. But right now I want a big country property with chickens to feed and a veggie garden to tend and a house full of kiddies. And I can’t stop wanting it just because other people think it’s not right.

Nor can I stop comfort-planning it because people find it strange!

I forgot . . .

. . . the exam went well, too. Lol.

I'm finding myself in a very peaceful mood at the moment, almost serene. It's pleasant, if a little mysterious! I've been puzzling out some of the reasons, and here are some of the things I've discovered.

1: Every day I'm getting a little closer to being completely at peace with Aspergers. It's been 9 months since it finally hit me that I wasn't the only neurotypical in my family, but was actually a marginally better-adjusted Aspie. Since then I’ve gone through periods of rebellion and self-suppression (when I was determined that Aspergers wouldn’t stop me from learning to be completely normal) but finally I’m starting to realise that what I really need to do is to be ME, Aspergers and all. Yes I’m a bit quirky and weird, yes I value accuracy out of all proportion, yes there are parts of me that may never grow up. But that’s who I am, and it’s really nothing shameful. I can be myself, be happy, and function in the world all at once.

2: For the first time since I was fifteen, I’m not clucky (that’s a family word meaning “longing for a baby”). I don’t cry at adverts with kids in them! I’m also not feeling particularly lonely or lovelorn, which is unusual for me when I’m single. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, but I think the drop in cluckiness is partly due to Jemima. Not that she takes the place of a baby, but having to account for her in everything has made me realise that there are so many things I want to do in my life, and they’re all extremely hard do with a kitten to account for – and she lets me leave her at home alone all day! I may be ready for babies in other ways, but I’ve realised that I can also enjoy my freedom while I’ve still got it. There’s a lot to life that can’t happen if you’re locked down into white-picket-fence mode.

I’ve also identified the fact that the one common thing in all the bad relationships I’ve had has been that the guys have been obsessed with the power relationship between us. ‘B’ and ‘N’ wanted me to be powerful and wonderful, and put me on a pedestal; and ‘C’ and ‘D’ wanted to be powerful and played mind games to keep me off-balance and weak (‘C’ far, far worse than ‘D’, of course). The best relationship I’ve had, that with ‘E’, had no power balance issues, but fell down due to his religious problems with his mother (Jewish mama’s boy . . .). So somehow I’m attracting guys or being attracted to guys who prefer relationships with uneven power balances. I don’t want that, so I need to look out for it in the future.

3: I’ve come to better understand depression, and I’ve realised that I have two types. The first, which I’m calling ‘situational’, is when I get swamped by unhappiness due to things that are happening now or which happened in the past. That sort is easily treatable with counselling, to work through the issues and put them behind me. The second sort, however, doesn’t have anything to do with situations, although it feeds on them. It’s the real, clinical depression, that deep-seated sad soreness that never quite goes away, and can flare up at any time. Understanding this makes it easier to deal with – I no longer beat myself up for feeling awful over nothing. I’m allowed! I can also look for signs of the real depression and deal with it before it finds a situation to feed on, which helps.

4: I’ve also been through a bit of a watershed recently, in that I’ve realised that some of my ‘fringe friends’ (ie the friends that are part of the same group I’m a part of, but aren’t my direct friends) aren’t really nice people at all, and I’ve given up all intention of seeing them. Finding out that I had unpleasant ‘friends’ has freed me up to make some nice, real friends! Funny, how one can forget that friends don’t have to be narky and argumentative and critical . . . lol. I’m really enjoying the friendships I’ve started at uni.

So overall I feel calm and pleasant and capable. It’s good!

. . . Well.

So where to start? 

Prac was FANTASTIC. I thoroughly enjoyed it and didn't want my time there to end. I really miss the kids, now, too - I'd got to know them and I wish I was going back to that class again. I'd tell you all about them but it would probably get boring lol. I also wish I could share the interesting names with my namesnerd friends, but that would be unethical. Gah.

I taught five smashing Maths lessons, ran a very successful 5-lesson min-programme in English, taught a bit of SOSE, and otherwise just ran things here and there. Wonderful experience, and I'm feeling very confident about next year now.

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Living with my parents is going fine. It's odd to be back in some ways, but normal in others. My bedroom is hilarious though - I'll have to take a picture sometime to show the delightful personality crisis it's having. The single bed (my baby pink pipeline one I had from when I was 11) is covered by my gold-embroidered, $179, very much adult queen bed quilt cover set. This dichotomy is set against a backdrop of two-toned blue walls (from which the dividing strip of wallpaper has mercifully been removed - it was a frieze of buses and cars). And at the window, behind the bed, hangs a set of Toy Story curtains. It looks ridiculous  It used to be my younger brother's room (he's now 9) before my other brother moved out and left his larger room vacant.

But I’m used to the room’s décor inconsistencies now, and otherwise it works very well and fits an astonishing amount of stuff.

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I’m really looking forward to this afternoon – my 11-year-old sister has finally decided to get her ears pierced, and since Mum and James are too squeamish, I’m the lucky individual who gets to take her. So we’re going in to the city together later to get them done, and then we’re going shopping for some jewellery. The reason she wants them done now is that her Year 6 Social (a formal dance for the year sixes, in other words) is 6 weeks away, so if she gets them done now, the initial studs can come out just in time for her to wear dangly earrings to her social. So we’re going to find some earrings to match her dress, and something to go in her hair too. The dress is amazing – quite grown up but she’s now got a bit of a figure so she’s really old enough for it. It’s royal purple and she looks smashing. But oh, so grown up!

BtN people: I wish I could post a pic, as you guys have been watching my sister grow up for some time, but I feel too exposed on this blog and on the internet generally these days, especially as sis gets older. But if you’re one of my long-term BtN or real life friends and you’re really curious to see how she’s changed, email me and I’ll send you a pic after the social (the addy is on my blogger profile).

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Jemima has mostly settled in to the new place, although she’s not entirely happy as my parents already had a cat, Mia, and she’s been bullying Jem a bit. She’s a big 10-year-old sook who doesn’t want to share her territory lol. But we’re sorting things out by keeping Mia outside during the day (Mia doesn’t hunt) so that Jem can have peace and quiet and access to the food, water and litter tray. Jem sleeps in my room at night, quite often creeping under the covers and snuggling up next to me. Awww!

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I got a new job! And just as effortlessly as last time, too. The job at Subway was proving too far away from Mum’s place for me to keep working there, so I went around the local major shopping district with resumes and handed them in anywhere there were “help wanted” signs. That was Tuesday; by Friday I had a job. I’m going to be doing reception / retail sales for a branch of a major chain of optometrists / spectacle dispensers. Any more detail would give away my workplace lol. It’s MUCH better pay ($21/hour before tax compared to $13.50/hour – woohoo!) and far less mucky and annoying. Yay!

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I think that’s all for now. I have a week off next, then two weeks in which I have 4 exams. After that, things start to get interesting!