Rock and a Hard Place

As you're probably aware, teaching in the UK is getting worse and worse. Shifting goalposts, enormous workloads, constant negative feedback, absurd performance pay, and so on. I'm going crazy with stress and can't keep up with everything I'm supposed to be doing unless I have absolutely no life. I could work 12 hour days 7 days a week and still never get on top of it all.

I keep reaching breaking point, then finding I can go that little bit further, then reaching breaking point again. I almost resigned for Christmas, but I was too scared of the money issues. Now I'm invested in these kids and want to see out the year, but the fight-or-flight response is on constantly and I'm living through a rollercoaster of adrenaline. This has to be my last year of this. Come summer, I am done with classroom teaching.

I'm going to try to get a job back in the heritage sector, with supply teaching as my stopgap until something in that field comes through.

But this comes with a price. I was hoping to have a baby in the next year or so, but we can't really afford one if I'm not in a full-time, decently-paid job in which I am entitled to paid maternity leave. Statutory maternity pay isn't really enough for very long, and I'd be wary of not having a job to go back to anyway. So if I take the plunge, and get out of teaching and into something else, I have to put off having a baby until I'm in whatever that something else turns out to be. At nearly 33, that's not a decision to be taken lightly.

And yet, it's simply not safe, mental health wise, for me to suck it up long enough to have the baby.

I can't balance it, and I don't know what to do.

A Year of Living Christinely

Back in November, I tried for the umpteenth time to do NaNoWriMo. And, like most years, Stuff happened. It seemed to happen with particular vigour this time: a chest infection, an OFSTED inspection and the winter vomiting bug , all in a row. By the time the crises were over, I was too far behind to catch up. Again.

But finally it dawned on me that writing a set amount each day until it's done is what a lot of real authors do anyway. They just don't try to cram it into one manic month. I knew this, but I didn't, too. I guess it finally sank in!

I mulled this over in the last couple of weeks of the year, then in the last few days after Christmas knuckled down and chose a plot and sorted out my characters, and on the first of January the words started to flow. In the first five days I've already written around 2750 words - which is more than I've managed in some NaNoWriMo attempts!

My target for each day is a mere 250 words. That's less than this blog post will be by the time it's finished. At that rate, I should finish the first draft sometime in October. With 9 weeks of holiday between now and then, and with the potential for days when inspiration comes thick and fast, it could be sooner.

Now, it's not speedy and it's surely not as much as I'm capable of, but it's doable no matter what happens. If the munchkin gets chicken pox or we all have gastro for the third time this winter or the boiler breaks or whatever... I can still crank out a measly 250 words every. single. day.

This book is getting written, damn it!

I'm trying to make a few little lifestyle changes alongside the writing effort, too. This year looks to be an astonishingly stable one for me: job, house and relationship are all firmly set and highly unlikely to change. This year should be a bit of a breather, a chance to put things in place and get into a routine with the certainty of (hopefully!) knowing what's coming next. We're finding ways to take a more structured approach to managing the household, and I'm looking at a routine to work on my fitness without costing us any money and with minimal time loss in our already-hectic schedule. Small steps, but good ones.

I'm not making any resolutions, except to stick to the goals I've got: get fitter, write book, maintain house, teach well, love my family and enjoy myself.

Happy New Year!

Yes, yes, update...

Sorry it's been so long... I've been mired down in marking assessments and writing job applications, so getting a blog post out has seemed nearly impossible.

Today I'm just sitting around exhausted because I've spent the afternoon doing a demo lesson and being interviewed for a teaching position which, I learned an hour later, I didn't get. I'm not too disappointed - it was only my first interview of the job-hunting season, and I had very positive feedback despite not quite squeaking in to the position on offer. But I feel a bit deflated and thus blogging seems more appealing than the big pile of marking in my bag!

So... what's new...

E and I are moving in together in July/August, hence the job search. My current position ends at the close of the summer term, and it makes much better financial sense for me to move to her town rather than for her to move to London. I hate job applications and the whole process is making me quite fretful and cross, especially as I have to deal with the awkwardness of taking days off to go to interviews. I'm spending a lot of time quite exhausted and dreary, and can't wait for the half-term break next week. It will be a real relief to be getting all these things done without actual work getting in the way! I have piles of marking to do and reports to write and IEPs to renew and ARGH.

The good news is I've lost a stone and I'm back in size 14 clothes for the first time since I was about 23. I'm feeling rather good about that! Two stone to go (a stone is 14lb/6.3kg, for those not familiar with this quaint yet satisfying English unit of weight).

I have no inflammation according to the blood tests, so I'm just working on easing the pain at the moment. I need to go back to the doctor for another physio referral and to find out why the muscles in my upper arms have suddenly turned bumpy, but I think I'll now wait until I move to do that. For the time being, it's going alright.

So everything's ticking along, and hopefully I will manage not to drop with exhaustion before the summer holidays hit...

Oh yeah, I have a blog...

Well, that was a bit of a hiatus. Sorry about that. Life's been ticking along at a rapid pace, and has been distinctly lacking in long, quiet, blogging-suitable alone times. Which is a good thing, in a way, but also means I have been keeping everyone waiting for an update!

I managed to finish the term without going insane, but I am still very much feeling that I don't want to be back in a mainstream classroom. Supply is fine, but the whole-deal classroom teaching thing just isn't doing it for me any more. I've found a couple of really neat museum education jobs to apply for, so the plan is for me to get a reasonable junk job / work supply and keep on sending in applications to kinds the jobs I want, until I get one. So I've been doing a lot of applying for jobs, and a lot of pounding the pavement handing CVs to any shops or cafés willing to take them. It's frustrating, and means I haven't really had a holiday, but it's all for the bigger picture so I don't mind too much. What makes it even nicer is that it's *our* bigger picture, something SK and I have agreed upon together.

I spent most of the first two weeks of the summer frantically making SK a full set of Viking garb ahead of Ffair Rhaglen VI, our first SCA event together and SK's first SCA event of any sort. It's an incredible camping event, held amongst the ruins of a medieval castle in Wales. During the day the public were allowed in, but we didn't demo, exactly - rather we just went about our merry business as if they weren't there (apart from chatting to interested-looking ones - recruitment is a good thing!). Several times I had a funny feeling of dislocation as if they were the ghosts from another time and we were the reality. Total immersion events are awesome! In the evenings we had the place to ourselves. On the Saturday night there was a masked ball, where we danced bransles by flaming torchlight in the courtyard of the castle, to live music using medieval instruments... it was amazing. And on the Sunday night, under clear cold skies, we had bardic circles and some impromptu dancing (yay for spontaneous Goddesses), while the leading edge of the Perseids meteor shower lit up the sky with sporadic falling stars. That is a night I will never, ever forget - it was truly breathtaking.

SK barely stopped grinning his face off the entire weekend, and also won some lifelong allies by wading through the castle's moat and battling through thick brambles to rescue a hat that had blown off the head of a lord while he stood chatting to some mundanes. The hat had on it site tokens and award tokens going back years, and the lord was devastated to have lost it, so SK was roundly applauded for his gallantry. He's a good 'un ;)

We made some new friends and I reunited with some friends from the Winchester Pilgrimage, and I'm once again amazed at the way the SCA brings me into contact with kindred spirits. Sometimes I just want to stand around going "SQUEE FRIENDS!!!!!" and jumping up and down :D

Some pics from Raglan Castle:

 Fighting in the courtyard

This was really very close to us, and apparently worried some people on top of the castle's tower! 

 Yes I know it's not really a TARDIS, but...

Various views of SCA period tents and the castle itself:

My other big adventure for that weekend was that, halfway to Wales, SK decided that his legs were tired, and therefore I was driving. o_O It was my first experience of driving in the UK. Luckily his car is small, the road layout is similar, and we were mostly on the motorways. It was a little nerve-wracking and some laws are different (you can change lanes in roundabouts! You can change lanes without indicating!) but SK is a good teacher and I did fine. Driving over the Severn Bridge was a big thrill. The whole thing was a grand experience.

My biggest bit of news at the moment is that, resulting from some conversations at Ffair Rhaglen, I am now the chatelaine of Thamesreach. It's my first SCA office and I'm both excited and intimidated over it! I'm also putting together a costing / bid for my first run at autocrating an event (a winter feast, probably in February). I feel enlivened and excited. Good times :)

Since moving in with SK I've begun running regularly. He's a keen runner and cyclist (he's run marathons, and recently cycled from the southwesternmost point to the northeasternmost point of Britain ... yeah, he does that :D) and has been kicking my butt about fitness. We live close to a big park, so I've been running a ~5.5km course around that, approximately every second day. I think I'm about two runs away from being able to do the whole thing without dropping to a walk, which will be awesome! I'm booked in to run in a 5km fundraising run on the 18th of September so the aim is to be well and truly ready for that.

Si recently acquired a new heart rate monitor and gave me his old one, so you can see my more recent running stats here (that was today's, click through to see the others).

It's been interesting for me, as I've learned to run and to keep running, just how much emotion is caught up in it. When I'm pressing myself to keep going, just another minute, just to the end of that... I'm pushing against a whole avalanche of negative emotions. At first it was distress, hoping I'd collapse or break down so I wouldn't have to keep pushing, and an overwhelming belief that I couldn't do it. Then that phased into anger. Boiling, frustrated anger at everything and everyone who has ever fed me negative self-belief, intentionally or otherwise. I had no idea I was still so angry inside. When I got tired the anger would dissipate into grief for all the mistakes and stupidity and neglect and wrongheadedness that went into moulding those self-beliefs in the first place. Crying while running has become very normal for me over the past few weeks!

Today I tried listening to music while running, as I'm now confident enough in the route to afford the distraction. I was amazed at how that changed the dynamic. The running became something that my feet were just doing in time to the music. I still had to push and encourage myself, but a lot of the fight went out of the activity. I found that listening to the music freed me from the desperate, churning thoughts and let my mind rest while my body got on with it. There was still a little grief flowing through (I chose uplifting music and some of it reminded me of the murk from which I've emerged) but I generally felt better about myself, about running and about my life as it is now. I think I'll keep listening to music - while I do like the catharsis of using exercise to work through this stuff, sometimes one just needs to give it a break.

Ok, this has been a huge post and I hope everyone's appetite for updates is now sated! I shall attempt to be a little more forthcoming from now on. You can expect squeaky excited posts as the season turns ... my first northern autumn! Deciduous trees! Whee! ... etc ;)

I'm glad I'm in London, glad I'm living with SK, and glad my life is moving forwards. Oh, and I've lost 5cm off my waist. Good night :)

PS: The old template was borked (as are a lot of others from the site where I got it) so I'm trying this one on for size. I like the general look but I'm still fidgeting with details. If anyone can tell me how to move the blog title down, I'd be very appreciative! My html-fu is letting me down.

Almost there...

It's two days before the end of term. I've been AWOL for a while, I know... the whompingness of my life has kept me fairly silent as I work through it.

The class I've had have been difficult and generally un-fun, so I've been hating school and wishing desperately that I'd chosen a different career. Again. I'm so burned out that I can't imagine going back to a full-time, classroom teaching position in 5 weeks' time :( I want to do a sideways shuffle into museum education. Just have to find a job! It's been 5 years but I have finally started to miss the heritage sector. So I've got a long stretch of job applications coming up.

Life otherwise has been pretty stable ... sightseeing, running in the park, learning to live with a partner, generally getting on with the business of becoming.

And trying not to fall into my usual pattern of life!

The other thing that has kept me from blogging is a sad mystery. A friend - more than a friend - has suddenly withdrawn from me. She won't answer my messages, won't talk to me in chat programmes, ignores threads in which I've commented, etc. I don't know why, and I don't understand. I'm angry and hurt and don't know what to do about it. I have issues with being abandoned by loved ones, and every fibre of my being wants to flail around madly shrieking and prodding and doing anything I freaking can to get her attention and make her snap out of it. I know that's an unhealthy reaction so I'm sitting on my hands and trying to alternate pretending that I haven't noticed with just not going near her online. Neither is satisfying. There's nothing I can do except grieve and hope that she comes around before I decide that too much damage has been done.

I'm not taking a full 5 weeks' holiday this summer (I need money before that, so I'll have to get work of some sort whether it's ongoing or not!) but I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks' rest, and an SCA trip to Wales as a bonus! It should be a good summer, I hope.

The Latest

My passport, complete with Right of Abode certificate, came back last week, so I'm all set to go!

I keep opening it up and looking at it. It's really here and I'm really going :)

It's just over 13 weeks until I leave. I'm gearing up to the next level of preparations now - making sure my immunisations are up-to-date, getting a federal police clearance, researching likely bank accounts, and so on. I'm starting to get a definite feel for what my first days there will be like, and I'm also looking ahead, working out which tours I'd like to take eventually. I'm going to see Russia, and Egypt, and Petra, and ... everything!

Work is tiring (6 days a week, many 8-10 hour shifts) but it's paying the bills and letting me save up, and that's what I need.

I'm spending my evenings sorting boxes while watching Babylon 5 - I'm going to re-watch the entire 5-series arc before I go, just for the hell of it! Anything to help the time pass in a meaningful way. Right now, 13 weeks feels like both forever and no time at all. It's an awkward headspace to be in.

A few days ago I spent a day worrying that I would find my London experience similar to my Sydney experience - lonely and dreary - but I realised that that isn't going to happen. In Sydney I was constantly broke, which meant that I went nowhere and did nothing. My depression, faith crisis and non-existent self-esteem meant that I pursued no hobbies, made few friends, and had no connect with anyone or anything. In London I'm going to be part of a church community and part of the SCA, and I'm going to connect with community garden groups, music groups (I want to join an amateur choir), organic living groups, and so on - just people, people, people. I'll meet other teachers, other expats, and so on. I will be fine.

So here I am - writing and revising lists constantly, trying to keep on top of what I already know and still need to find out, and working and waiting for the time to come.


30by30 update: 2 down, 28 to go. On schedule!

Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

Quick check-in

Yes, I'm still alive :)

I've been at the new school for two days now and it's delightful. Everyone is nice, everyone is relaxed (even when they're frantically busy!), everyone is helpful, everyone seems to love their job. My co-teacher is great fun and my classroom is gorgeous. The whole thing just feels right.

And I scored an electronic organ! It recently stopped working and the school can't really afford luxuries like repairing an organ they don't need and only inherited in the first place, so they were just going to get rid of it until I sputtered and put my hand up and asked if I could have it. So I borrowed Dad's trailer today and brought home an organ. I'm still waiting for G (housemate) to get home to help me get the thing OFF the trailer, mind you. And I won't get it repaired until I've got the money. But once I've repaired it, it's mine! Mwahahaha!

Anyway . . .

I'm happy, the living arrangements are working out really well (G and I are two peas in a pod and we work perfectly as housemates, I couldn't be more pleased), and I feel like crying every time I reflect on how lucky I am. This is a good thing!

Adding: G decided to go late night shopping, so I decided to go get the organ off the trailer by myself, despite it being a huge heavy thing. This went fine until I stood it upright. I managed to catch my ankle with either the foot or a pedal as I was trying to prevent it from dropping the last 10 centimetres and slamming into the concrete. So now I've got my ankle elevated and an improvised icepack on it (farewell frozen beans, I never really loved you anyway). There's already a spectacularly blue line of bruising where it landed, and I'm just hoping I haven't done any internal damage. I most definitely do not have time for that!

I did, mind you, stop the organ from slamming into the concrete :D

Interesting

I've rarely had a holiday as long as this one since I finished school. Most summers when I've been studying I've still had a part-time job, and I've never taken this long off a full-time job. And when one's only been studying the holidays don't quite have the same impact, especially if you're not on campus every day.

So . . . what's interesting is that I've found that there's actually a limit to how long I want to be on holiday, and this is about it. I'm bored. I'm restless. I'm getting irritable because I've done all my holiday pastimes to death and they're not as much fun any more. My sleeping schedule is even starting to right itself as I feel more and more like I've had enough of this structureless lifestyle. I want to go back to work. Yes, I said it. I WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO!!!

I'm writing this down with every intention of reading it when things start to get exhausting towards the end of this year. I don't want to forget that this feeling is possible. No matter how much I may long for the holidays during term, I wouldn't want them to go on forever.

It's also interesting that this is the first time EVER that I've gone back to full-time work after a holiday or break without a sense of sickening dread. The archaeology job made me constantly sick with anxiety, and the public school wasn't much better, even before I started working there I was at a fever-pitch of nerves. With the Montessori school I'm just eager to get started. Yet more evidence that things are finally going right!

I'm HAPPY! o_O

Ouch

I'm still sorting through those boxes of papers and bits and pieces. There's so much accumulated stuff there, and reading parts of it (particularly when flipping through old notebooks to see if they're still usable) is quite painful. It's like reliving the past 5 years of my life, the problem being that I already lived them and they were sodding miserable. In one notebook I found pages and pages of journaling from when I was making up my mind / screwing up my courage to quit my archaeology job and leave Sydney. I was living in a constant state of fear and anxiety in that job, never knowing where the next blow was coming from, constantly on that fight-or-flight edge. I had to slam that notebook shut and chuck it away as fast as I could. I know now that a lot of my problems in that job were generated by my own issues as an Aspie - all the misunderstandings and confusions - but it was still a crazy-making place regardless. I've worked as an undiagnosed Aspie in places that were not that manic. It was not just me! But remembering what I went through at the end there was gut-wrenching.

I've found some good stuff, too, of course - old cards and letters from caring friends, photocopies of good papers that still interest me, random photographs, etc. And a few bits of humour.

The following was written on a piece of notepaper from that same archaeology job. It was fairly early in my career there, and was inspired by two draft reports I'd received back from the client in a heavily, and idiotically, edited state. "C" is the client's comment; "A" is the snarky answer I wished I could give! All of the comments are real and came from high-profile public clients.

C: There does not appear to be an executive summary.
A: Appearances can be deceiving. Executive summary is on second page.

C: Significant vistas: you have not addressed the view of the building from the grave on the hill.
A: You can't see the building from the grave on the hill.

C: Spelling error: unkempt
A: No, that's the correct spelling.

C: The "grassed area" you refer to is not grassed. Do you mean that it should be grassed?
A: No, I mean that it is grassed. What you mean is that it is wild grass, not lawn. Would you prefer "abandoned lot" to "grassed area"?

C: "Possibly Pinus radiata" - is it possible to be more positive?
A: If it was, would we have said "possibly"?

C: Is this paragraph out of place?
A: . . . No?

C: The diagram only has 4 layers . . .?
A: There are four lots of information represented in the diagram

C: I disagree that this item has heritage significance and should be retained.
A: Me expert, you client. You don't have to like my findings.

C: This information is not referenced. Please cite your source.
A: That would be your email on the subject directing me to include this information.

C: Please remove all interpretation schemes and suggestions from the report as it is not part of the scope of this project.
A: You mean the ones you requested at the last minute, right before the report was due?

C: The section on indigenous heritage has disappeared.
A: You did mark it as "irrelevant: remove" in the last edited version.

C: I don't understand this sentence.
A: That's not my fault, please consult a dictionary.

C: "Item is of little significance." Do you mean it is of no significance?
A: No, I mean it is of little significance.

C: "Maintenance is the responsibility of the client" - this is incorrect. Maintenance is the responsibility of the tenant.
A: Remember those emails I sent asking for information on who is responsible for maintenance? This is why answering them would have been good.

C: ?
A: Are we playing guess-what-I-don't-like-about-this-section? "?" what?!

Any theories on why I burned out after 18 months of consulting? Anyone?

Too Easy?

Do you ever get the feeling that things are just going too well and you're beginning to wonder where the catch is?

I'm feeling like that right now.

I got into the uni course I desperately wanted.

I wanted out of the education department, applied for one perfect job, and got it.

I just found out that since I resigned at the end of the year, the education department will move me back to Perth.

WHERE'S THE CATCH?

When will my luck run out?

I'm worried that the catch might be housing. It's more expensive in Perth but there are some not unreasonable places around, I just have to snag one. And I'm looking into sharing as well - keeping an eye on the share house adverts. I guess I'm feeling a little het up about it because there's currently nothing I can do - I can't start house-hunting until after Christmas because I don't have any money! I just want it settled and sorted and I feel kind of like it's going to get out of hand if I don't do something RIGHT NOW.

Of course . . . I could pack. That would help. But . . . nah :D

Day After

I signed my resignation form, cleaned out my classroom and handed over my keys today. It's really happening, I guess! It hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I'm on holidays from now until the 28th of January, and I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself, especially as I have only just enough money to get by on until I get paid on Christmas day. Plus it's 38 C here (100 F), very hot and rather humid, so I'm reduced to sitting in the living room in front of the air conditioner. I'm slightly hung over from the staff Christmas party last night (I was plied with wine and champagne by my congratulatory friends, and consequently got rather mellow) and generally feeling dozy. YAWWWWN!

I GOT IT!

Oh heavens, I actually got it!

Dear Christine

Following our phone conversation I am formally offering you the position
of upper primary teacher at (the school's name).

You will be team-teaching with (another female teacher) and I will give her your
contact details in order that she can arrange to meet up with you. The new
term starts on Feb 2nd but the teachers will be back on Jan 28th.

I will post out to you more information about the position, a contract,
info about the Montessori workshop in January and some general info about
(school name). Meantime if you have any questions do not hesitate to contact me
by email or by mobile on (phone number).

Congratulations on a successful interview and welcome to the (school name)
community.


Warm regards
(principal's name)
Principal

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

They've rearranged things slightly, so I'm now having the upper primary (years 4-6 I think) instead of the middle school (years 7-9) which is PERFECT for me. And the team teaching will be wonderful. And with any luck I'll get to do some music. I have plans to join a few music organisations around Perth once I get back as well.

I'm going to thoroughly enjoy my Christmas week, then launch into finding a house in Perth and getting myself sorted for the move. Ohhh this is going to be so much fun!

I am over the moon . . . can you tell? :)

A little request and so on . . .

First up, if you're a praying sort of person, please spare a moment for the people injured in this crash. On my way back from Perth this afternoon I came across this accident only minutes after it happened. There were already about eight cars parked on either side, and a big truck wanting to get past, so I didn't stop but instead turned around and took back streets past the scene. I felt a bit silly for having gone around and thought it would probably have cleared by then anyway, but as I headed towards Northam I was passed by two ambulances, two marked police cars, one unmarked police car and a fire engine, all with their sirens and lights blazing, heading back towards the accident. As it says in the article, it was actually pretty serious (from what I saw it looked like a head-on). It's 10:30pm now and the radio says the road is still closed (it happened at about 5:30pm). It feels vaguely personal because I was there just after it happened, so if you have a moment, send a thought their way.


I had the job interview today, and I got a really positive vibe from it. The three interviewers nodded regularly at what I was saying, responded well to the things I expected them to relate to, and laughed at my jokes, which is always good! They made certain they had my contact details before I left, which is also good. They have promised to let me know by Friday, so three more days and most of the uncertainty will be gone. I'm extremely happy with how the interview went, so if I don't get it, it will be because someone else was better than me, not because I stuffed up or wasn't good enough, if you know what I mean? They're looking for someone who is strong in the humanities-literacy side and can teach the arts. Hello, me! I'm actually a perfect fit for what they're looking for, and they asked whether I would be willing to teach music across the board (yes yes yes!). I don't know how many other applicants there were, so I can't really say whether I'm confident. I'm just happy with how it went and would be very glad to get the job. I will let you all know!

We had a dinner for our graduating year sevens this evening, attended by only one of the three year sevens! I'm so immensely proud of her, she's our school captain and has just blossomed from being nervous about speaking in public to being a funny and confident speaker. I made a small speech too, and we gave her the year book, and generally ate and enjoyed ourselves lol. A nicely printed version of my speech was in the year book (as a letter), along with the letters for the two girls that weren't there. One of those girls is of course the lass who is being charged with assault, and the principal complimented the way I'd written her letter. I'm glad - it took me *ages* to write a one-page letter for her. What do you say to a 12-year-old in that kind of strife?! I tried to be positive and compassionate and encouraging, but without ignoring the trouble she's in or treating it as the "elephant in the room", and I think it came out well-balanced.

I'm quite exhausted after teaching all morning, driving to Perth, having the interview, driving back to Little Country Town, getting changed yet again and then going out to dinner. Time for bed, I think! Two teaching days left . . .

But what do I WANT?

The interview with the Montessori school is tomorrow, and I'm totally torn about the outcome. I do want to be back in the city, rather desperately. There are so many things I'd like to do, plans I'd like to make etc. But moving will be difficult. Affording the move will be difficult. There are disadvantages as well as the good stuff.

There are things I will miss about this town, like the space and the peace and the choir and some of the kids. But there are also things I will most definitely NOT miss.

On the balance I think I do want the Montessori job, but there will be some very hard stuff to get through if I get it.

In other news, I'm icing my head because I managed to swing my flute case into the corner of my eye socket & eyebrow while I was getting out of the car this evening. Nice look if I have a big bruise for the interview tomorrow!

Not Good

*sigh*

Over the weekend one of the girls in my class, along with two girls from the private primary down the road, dragged an older girl out of her house and pretty much bashed her unconscious, broke all the windows in her house and stole various stuff from the family.

The bashed girl's family (including 5 and 7 year old girls from our school) have fled town for their own safety. The girl herself survived with a lot of bruises and a broken nose and has been discharged from hospital. The three girls involved in the bashing will be charged with aggravated burglary and assault occasioning grievous bodily harm.

These girls are twelve years old.

I've been trying my heart out all year to get this girl to understand that she is responsible for her actions, understand that other people have significant rights that cannot be messed with, understand that life is beautiful and special and should be treasured not thrown away. But when her mother is an alcoholic who regularly gets up in peoples' faces and has been known to bash people (she even threatened me once), what can you say to make a difference?

I'm just feeling broken. This girl is quite intelligent and creative and in a good environment she would have blossomed and could have done great things. Now? If she ever comes back from this and makes good in her life then she will be one of the extremely rare lucky ones. A GBH charge at 12 does not make for a bright future.

:-(

Sometimes There's Nothing You Can Do . . .

I'll freely admit that my tiredness is often my own fault. I don't go to sleep early enough or with enough dedication sometimes. Other times it's insomnia, or just difficult circumstances, but most often it's just my bad sleeping habits.

Last night, however, was SO NOT MY FAULT.

At 9pm I was dozing off on the couch, so I decided I'd go to bed early and get a long night's sleep before getting up early. So I took a sleeping tablet, read for a little while then switched the light out. Despite the fact that the tablet was pulling me under, I had trouble getting off to sleep because the bogong moths were being noisy and the people across the road from me were talking out the front of their house and receiving text messages rather noisily. Just as I was dropping off at about 10:30 I heard a rumble of thunder. Then I awoke again at about 11:30 when a cracker of a thunderstorm went over. I was too much under the influence of the sleeping pill to wake up properly and enjoy it, but it was too noisy, between the constant thunder and the rain and I suspect hail too, for me to get back to sleep. Finally after about an hour I did drop off again. Then at about 4am I was awoken by a cacophony from my study, which is full of boxes and stuff I'm trying to sort into them. I went in and found a dead mouse in the doorway and Jemima chasing a very much live rabbit around the boxes. I chased the cat out, but I couldn't catch the rabbit so I shut the study door with the rabbit still inside, put the mouse in the bin and went back to sleep. About an hour and a half later I awoke to a funny noise and found that it was getting light and Jem had another rabbit, this one dead, on the floor of my bedroom. I hissed at her, put the rabbit in the bin (picking it up in an old cloth!) and went back to bed yet again. Just as I was dropping off, the sun rose, shining through my open window straight into my eyes. I groaned, rolled over, dropped back to sleep for about an hour, and then my alarm went off.

I really feel that the universe must have had it in for me last night - I did the right thing, went to bed early, and . . . argh!

(In case you're wondering, I opened the study door before I left for school this morning, and I assume Jemima has caught and dealt with the live rabbit! I don't mind her eating them as they're an agricultural pest, but I really wish she wouldn't bring them inside).

In other news, I'm very excited because I have a job interview at a Montessori school in the hills, in the suburb next to where Mum lives. I want this job so very much, but I have to get through the interview first and that's not for a couple of weeks! December 16th is the day. They've already spoken to my referees which is a good sign lol. I'd love to get back to Perth. I haven't lived in the city or suburbs with a car of my own before, and the possibilities are taking my breath away. Back with my friends . . . able to go where I want . . . NOT doing a 100km round trip every time I need groceries . . . there's even a choir I can sing in which I never knew about! I'm trying not to get too excited because it's by no means certain, but I'm hopeful.

Hatehatehatehatehateit

I'm at home on stress leave today and tomorrow, and I'm scared and angry and miserable.

Last Friday, one of my students king-hit another student while I had my back turned for a moment. I took both boys straight to the principal, told her what had happened and asked her to deal with it. Her way of "dealing" with it was to get both boys' sides of the story, then keep the offending boy in in-school suspension for a couple of hours before sending him back to me at 2pm. He wreaked complete havoc on my lesson, stirring up two other boys and causing my entire afternoon to go all to hell.

I was angry enough over this when I got in on Monday, and then I found that the principal wasn't going to be there on Monday and hadn't left any instructions or requirements for the offending boy. I resorted to the standard punishment - sitting on the bench rather than playing at recess and lunchtime. He refused to comply. Then at lunchtime three of my good girls were found out of bounds riding another child's scooter through the gardens and destroying a small tree; students who were supposed to be doing rubbish duty as a consequence for rudeness refused to comply; and at the end of lunch four boys refused to come down from the top of the play equipment having spent lunchtime throwing stuff on the top of the equipment's shade-cloth. They just laughed at all four of the staff members who told them to come down! When they did finally come down we got the mother of the worst boy (the one who hit the other child) to come and get him. I tried to get on with my lessons in the afternoon but a couple of the kids had realised that there was no higher authority in the school and no one was actually facing any major consequences (this has been a problem for a while because the principal just refuses to impose any higher-level consequences). and proceeded to riot. I got on with things as best I could before asking for help, and when the other teacher took them to buddy class I could hear her screaming at them from two classrooms away!

By the end of the day I was a crying nervous wreck and told the registrar I wasn't coming in today. I've been to the doctor today and cried at her, and I've got a certificate for today and tomorrow. My stomach is all in knots and I can't breathe properly and I'm feeling sick and strained and awful, not the least because I have to see the principal for a meeting at 8am on Thursday. I know I need to be assertive and firm and somehow MAKE her realise that while my handling of the problems might not have been the best - it is my first year of teaching after all - the heart of the problem is that she won't back us up or impose any serious consequences herself. I need to let her understand my feelings of being unsupported and out of options while not putting her on the defensive, and I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

I hate this!

I'm currently doing the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better: applying for positions in private schools. I've found three to positions to apply for and I'm going to look for more. If this principal isn't around next year it won't be so bad, but on the off-chance she will be here I don't want to be. I've had enough.

Grump!

I'm in kind of a ratty mood this evening, and have been for most of the day.

I think the day was pretty much doomed from the time I woke up, because just prior to that I was dreaming about S, like he used to be back before he lost interest. *snarls*

The day was mixed up because we had a special sports incursion happening (inflatable squash courts, WTF) and the kids were rowdy because of that and because of the broody weather we're having (35 C and thunderstorms, yay). Most of them weren't straight-out naughty, just noisy and easily distracted and not wanting to get a lot of work done. One girl WAS very naughty and disobedient and I'm going to have to call her mother in for a conference because she's suddenly redeveloped a habit of being rude and defiant that we thought we'd sorted out last term. Not happy.

Then I found out that the principal is strongly considering giving me the next class down (the 2/3/4 class) because a particular parent has caused so much trouble for me this year. Now, I can see where she's coming from - I have NOT enjoyed the stress of dealing with that parent's obnoxiousness, and all three of her kids are in the 5/6/7 class next year. It'll be intense and quite possibly very unpleasant for whomever takes the class next year and I've done my turn dealing with it! But at the same time I love most of the kids in this class and I've invested so much in them, and it'll be VERY hard to turn them over to someone else, even if it's for the best. And there's so many things I'd hoped to do with them next year! And it seems so unfair that one obnoxious parent can make so much trouble that the school has to change an effective staffing arrangement to head off potential issues.

Whatever happens I'll compromise and cope and get on with my job, but they're my first class and I guess no class anywhere will ever be quite the same. So I'm feeling kind of sad and down and uncertain. The 2/3/4s are a nice age group too and I'm sure I'll have fun, but I'll miss my bright, on-the-ball, savvy older kids.

On the upside, the principal is talking about making my role as a music teacher more official, and having me teach in the classroom for 4 days and take all 3 classes in succession for music on the 5th day. Which would be AWESOME. I suggested that I could teach drama as well, and she said that was a really good idea too, so I might be doing both. The current 2/3/4 teacher would do the same for everyone for Phys Ed if that went ahead, which would be a really great way of doing things and I really like the thought. That would go a long way towards making up for the change of classes! So it's not all bad. I guess the inevitable end-of-first-year-of-teaching separation tears are just coming early lol.

So . . . yeah. I'm just kind of cranky and out-of-sorts. Probably what I need is a good solid walk in the fresh air. But, thunderstorms. Lots of them. I love thunderstorms but going walking during one is just plain stupid.

*sigh*

Okay, so . . .

. . . first, I found out that I have to spend two years instead of one doing my GradDipEd. Second, I found out yesterday that my work can't keep me on next year. It's not because I've done anything wrong, it's just that they need a strong finance person (which I'm not!) and they can't afford two assistants. But it means I'll have to get back on the job search merry-go-round. I got this job very easily and I'm sure it won't be that easy next time!

So I'm just waiting for the third thing (these things all come in threes, you know!). If it's three bad luck things in a row, I don't want to even think what the third thing might be. But if it's just three life changes . . . maybe I should buy a lotto ticket lol. Now *that* would really mess up my plans!