Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Not Hiding.

Warning: Very Serious Personal Revelations Ahead. May Not Be Comfortable Reading For Some.

One of my goals for this year is to live a 100% authentic life. I no longer care to hide and suppress elements of my personality just because others may not understand or approve.

Being open about my faith was one of these things. People have to accept that I am a Christian (whether they like it or not) or get out of my way, period. I've discovered a few people who think I'm a nut, but mostly people have been supportive and appreciative about it. I've got so comfortable about it now that I can drop the words "and on Sunday after church" or whatever into a sentence without self-consciousness.

There is another thing I want to be open and unselfconscious about, and unfortunately in many peoples' minds it will be completely incompatible with the aforementioned Christian faith. I don't believe it is, but revealing it may mean that some of my strongest Christian friends will pull away.

Still, I'm not hiding any more. Come what may, the friends that accept me for all of who I am are the ones that truly matter.

Which is why I'm putting out there the fact that I am bisexual. I first realised I was when I was 19, but that was an "oh duh" moment; the attraction to women as well as men had been there for as long as I could remember.

I have told only a handful of people this fact, and only in the past year. But I'm really tired of people not knowing. And I'm really tired of believing that I have to keep it a secret because I don't want to rock the boat, or put people off, or because having kids was my ultimate goal and that's so much harder in a girl-girl relationship.

Enough hiding. I am who I am. Wherever it takes me and whatever it means.

Ironically, I suspect that in the balance of things the majority will be more tolerant of my sexuality than my faith . . . *sigh* What a strange postmodern world this is!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Character Interview #1: Eveth

I'm doing a series of interviews with the 10 key characters of my WSTBIP (that's "work soon to be in progress" hehe). These are meant to better develop each character's voice and backstory, and give me a sense of how they will react when the story gets going.

Without giving too much away, the characters are all in their 20s, and have suddenly been nominated by their world's deities as having sorceric powers, and a key role in keeping peace and fairness across the 10 kingdoms that make up their continent. This is unexpected and is the result of the tragic untimely demise of the previous 10 sorcerers. The last set of questions relate to this experience.

The first interview is with Eveth, my MC. She is 25, blonde and a little bit chubby. Please feel free to post more questions for her in the comments - it would be an interesting exercise! Also feel free to throw out ideas, impressions and so on. Anything is useful, really.

Before The Story

Growing Up

What is your earliest memory?
* Going for a walk outside with my older sister. I fell over in the wildflowers and we both did a lot of giggling.

What was your favourite childhood game?
* My sisters and I had a doll each and a play house amongst some trees behind our house. When our chores were done we would spend hours playing house.

How did your parents discipline you?
* They were very firm about boundaries and would give us extra chores if we crossed them. Generally we were pretty good kids.

Describe your Local School experience (7-10yo)?
* I loved learning but felt out of place at the village school. It was a very small school and I was much smarter than most of the kids. They weren’t really curious about anything.

Describe your Forming School experience (11-14yo)?
* Forming school was a very trying time. It was a bigger school but I still stood out. The teachers loved my academic turn, but I was singled out for derision by my generally stolid peers.

Describe your Vocative School experience (15-18yo)?
* I loved vocative school! I went to a university-directed school that none of my siblings had attended. I was new and unknown and with people who understood my feelings about knowledge and the world.

Describe your University experience (19-22yo)?
* University was great. I missed my family but loved being in the city and seeing and learning so many new things. Training as a doctor was a dream come true.


Describe your parents?
* My father is the cornerstone of the family. He is strong, sensible, level-headed and humorous. He is fairly fixed in his beliefs but not afraid to listen to others.
My mother is loving, kind and wise, and very traditional in her beliefs and outlook on the world.

How many siblings do you have? Name and describe them?
* I have three brothers and six sisters. My brothers Phan and Noli are both older than me and married, and Phan has three children. They are both good men and good farmers. My older sister Shai is married and has a son, and lives in the village. She is very house-proud and in love with her little family. My next-youngest sister, Cali, is also married and lives on a farm where she works hard. My younger brother Tor is learning farming at Father’s right hand. My sister Desath is Mother’s helper and expects to be betrothed soon. My three little sisters Ren, Liath and Tireth are all still at school. Tireth is still a little girl and very sweet, but Ren and Liath are going through a silly stage.

How is your relationship with your siblings?
* We all love each other dearly, but I don’t feel like I have anything in common with them these days apart from the in-jokes and secret games of our childhood.

What other blood family members are significant in your life?
* My grandmother was a very intelligent and strong woman, and gave me a lot of inspiration to be everything I have become, before she passed. If we start getting into aunts, uncles and cousins we’re going to have to discuss half the village.

Do you have a spouse or significant other?
* No. I had a few boyfriends at university, but they never amounted to much. I’m from an old-fashioned family and we just wanted different things. I've grown up a bit more now and my expectations are different. I wish I could go back and change some of the things I did and said back then.

Do you have any children? If not, why not?
* No husband yet.

Daily Life

What do you do for work?
* I’m a doctor in the town of Dreana. Myself and several other doctors run a small pay-as-you-can clinic for Dreana and the surrounding villages and farms.

Why do you like your job? Why did you choose it?
* I love helping people and being of service. Every single thing I do makes someone’s life a little bit better. I chose it because it came naturally to me and was acceptable to my parents as a life pursuit for their only academic child!

How do you get to work?
* I ride into town and board during the week, and go home to Glerna on the weekends.

What do you do for fun?
* Read, do intricate beadwork, weave, sew, preserve flowers and essences.

What is your home like? Who do you live with?
* On the weekends I live with Mother, Father, Tor, Desath, Ren, Liath and Tireth. We all live together in the farmhouse my father inherited from his grandfather. It has three levels, white walls, and a high peaked thatch roof. It's a funny old house but we love it. During the week I live with Karal (another doctor) and his wife Mitri. We share three rooms above the clinic. It's a dull house on a dull street, but we try to make it quiet and friendly.

Describe a typical evening at your house?
* At Karal and Mitri’s house we wash up, have dinner, and retire to our own rooms. I work on something until it gets too dark, then go to bed.
At home, we have dinner all together (8 people are never quiet!) then after the chores are done we sit around near the fire, doing small work and talking about anything that comes to mind. It’s cheery and refreshing.

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
* My life has been pretty mild. Probably my grandmother passing away when I was at university.

What (or who) do you miss that is gone from your life?
* My grandmother.

What (or who) do you miss that you never really had?
* A few boyfriends at university . . . I wish what might have been if we’d been on the same page. I miss the family of my own that I might have now if things hadn’t been different.

What are your attitudes towards your every day life?
* I'm trying to be patient with it. It’s a good life and I'm comfortable and not unhappy. I want more but I don’t know what and how exactly so for now, I’ll just carry on.

How do you feel about change?
* Too much change too often isn’t fun, but occasional change is nice. I don't like getting into a rut.

What's the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person?
* I've had to tell a few patients that they were dying, and tell people that their loved ones are dying or dead. That’s part of my job as a doctor, but it never gets easier.

Who do you hate?
* I don’t really hate anyone. I dislike a lot of the girls I grew up with. They’re so narrow and blinkered.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
* My doctor’s degree. I worked very hard for it and have more education than anyone else from my village. For a woman that’s a massive achievement.

What would you change about yourself, if you could?
* I’d like to lose some weight, and some of my discontent & frustration.

After Anointing

How do you feel about being anointed as a sorcerer?
* I’m overwhelmed. I can’t even begin to imagine why I’ve been chosen. I just keep staring at the marks on my hand and marvelling that Holy Breica has chosen me. I hope I can live up to what needs to be done.

How do you feel about your new powers?
* I'm not sure if I like them. It seems like cheating to be able to do things this way. I was brought up thinking that you must put your back into things to get them done! This is all too easy. And the telepathy . . . wow, my family are close but there’s nothing like meeting someone else’s mind.

What do you like about what has happened?
* This was meant to happen, or the Gods and Goddessess wouldn’t have made it happen. I like knowing that I have an inescapable purpose and am being pulled in the right direction. There was a lot of doubt in my mind back in Dreana. I wasn’t sure whether I was doing the right thing. Now, I must be.

What do you dislike about what has happened?
* I used to think that perhaps I’d feel truly at home in Glerna one day. The right man or the right circumstance and suddenly I'd feel like just one of the villagers again. That’s gone, and I suspect any chance of romance and a family along with it. I hope I'm wrong but what marriage could survive one half being a sorcerer? I still want children, but would I have time to raise them? My life has changed forever.

What do you want to achieve as a sorcerer?
* I’d like to see the Governments take more responsibility for providing health care for their citizens. A government-sponsored clinic in each town would go a huge way to repairing some truly horrible situations.

What do you think you have gained as a sorcerer?
* The ability to do wide-scale good rather than small-scale good.

What do you think you have lost as a sorcerer?
* Connectedness. I've been irrevocably set apart, and I don't know if I can ever reconnect with anyone again.

What do you think will be your biggest challenge now?
* Learning everything I have to learn in order to do this job the way it’s meant to be done. Last week I was a doctor at a town clinic; this week I'm supposed to negotiate with royalty over. How does that work? Where do I start? I'm so lost.

What do you think about the other anointed ones?
* I like most of them. I already know I get along best with Lindon, I like his witty and laid back style. Passira and Calique are both sweeties. Ashamy . . . wow, what a woman! I love her fire. Valo is so quiet, but there’s a sense of humour lurking in there that promises to be good fun once he lightens up. Dahann is a bit much, so outspoken and opinionated. Sirinie is a bit brusque and standoffish, but I suspect that’s shyness? Tal seems like a bit of a stuck-up arrogant git, to be honest. Not sure about him at all.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Still here ... honestly ...

I can't really apologise for failing to blog lately. I haven't even been trying. Putting words to my life right now just gives me flaily panicky feelings most of the time.

So here's some things that have been happening . . .

I leave for the UK in 3 weeks tomorrow. All the paperwork is done and I'm almost half packed (or something like that ...). Right now there is a lot of chaos around and bits and pieces of things I need to get done, which isn't really very much fun. I'm not having second thoughts exactly, but I'm finding myself frequently almost paralysed with fear that this will go horribly wrong.  My chief fear is running out of money. Logically I know that I will have work, and it is going to be steady work, and if the teaching work is not quite enough I can waitress or something too, but I'm terrified of being alone in a strange city with no money. Silly terror since I will plan to avoid exactly that and will know well in advance if that is a likely outcome, but still. I am so scared it hurts.

I just need to breathe. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it ok.


I got 82% on my first assignment for the year. It was a theology assignment so that's quite impressive - my first essay in a new discipline! When the tutor starts the comments with the words "your essay's only weakness...", you know you've done okay. I'm still enjoying both the theology and the literature units, and still thinking about doing higher level study in both of them. I just can't make up my mind which order to do them in! Master of Ministry first, or literature PhD? Hmm. Oh well, I won't finish the BA until mid-2013 so I have a while to decide.


I'm struggling a little at the moment with the feeling that I've managed to get my 20s and 30s arse-backwards. I spent the whole of my 20s chasing the dream of settling down and having a family, and failing at it miserably. Now I'm about to enter my 30s and getting to the age where time for that is ticking away rapidly, and yet I've suddenly discovered the joy of being free and untethered, and I want to get out there and have random relationships and new experiences and not aim to be tied down at all for a good while yet. And through that I risk running out of time to have a family.

There's nothing I can do about it except trust that it will work out okay (and remember that the women in my family have had healthy pregnancies well into their 40s so I shouldn't fear running out of time all that much), but I can't help the feeling of wanting to stamp my feet and shriek that it's not fair. It's like I'm trying to cram everything that my 20s should have been into the last few precious months before I hit my 30s, and I'm getting so confused about what I want and where I want it. I think, overall, that the London move will make this easier not harder - new people and places and contexts in which I can safely explore my real, full identity without the weight of peoples' presuppositions and past knowledge. I am determined not to hide anything about myself amongst my new friends in London. I've spent so much time concealing so much of me in Perth that I'm now hemmed in to the outer identity I've woven. There's a few people who get the full version of Christine (hi, Hilary) but not many. I want everyone to know the whole Christine from now on, and it's easier to begin that with a clean slate in a new city. I hope.


I'm currently enjoying a ... thing ... with a guy, which is very sane and comfortable and enjoyable and undemanding and affectionate and lovely. We both know it's going nowhere because I'm leaving the country, but it's enough for right now. How ironic that the "thing" that is ostensibly not a relationship is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. What was that phrase again? Oh yeah, "arse-backwards". That's the one. *headdesk*


My grandfather is in hospital with "multiple infections", after having been hospitalised for pneumonia and sent home again. He is quite ill and very uncomfortable. A small part of my brain is in full-scale freak-out over this, but the rest of my brain can't deal and has just shut the door and said kindly but firmly that we'll deal with that if and when we have to, and not before. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about this - afraid that it's an unnatural Aspie reaction that people would find cold and heartless - but it's the only way I can cope at the moment. I have so many things on my "oh hey there potential meltdown" list that the only way I'm surviving is by refusing to acknowledge them. I'm pretty sure there'll be an episode of rather cathartic stormy weeping when I hit a calm spot, but I'll deal with that later too.


I am trying to sell my car. I've never sold a car before. I don't really want to sell this one. Bah.


I have reached the point where I need to rehome my beautiful wonderful cat, Jemima. This is another thing I know I'll cry about when I finally let go, but I can't let go just yet. If you're in the Perth area and want a cat, consider giving Jemima a home. She is a darling. This is where she is right now . . . I was lying on the bed under a brown blanket doing uni readings, and she lay down next to me pressed right up against my body. When I got up and went back to the computer, she made a nest out of the blanket and curled up in it. D'awwww.


This song by Kelly Clarkson is where I am at right now:


I think I've pretty much covered everything. Welcome to my life right now. It is complicated!

Now that I've got all of this out of my system I'm hopeful that I'll be back to regular blogging. I've been frozen in silence for a while, but I've broken through, so now there may be a flood ...