Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Months and Meltdowns

Yesterday at work I had a completely unexpected teary meltdown. I was thinking about the things I still have to do before I leave, and one of the biggest of those is re-homing my lovely cat, Jemima. One minute I was making a calm plan for this in my head, the next minute my eyes were full of tears that just wouldn't stop coming. I managed to keep it to the 'seeping eyes, possibly hayfever' level for a couple of hours (with a brief interlude of sobbing in the ladies') before someone got suspicious and asked what was wrong, at which point I completely lost it for a couple of minutes. Thankfully work was quiet and I was able to blot and sniff and breathe deeply lot and regain my composure.

I realised later that I'm almost certainly premenstrual and thus hormonal, and that's probably why a sad necessity that I have accepted for months suddenly turned me into a blubbering mess. I took a vitamin B tablet as soon as I got home yesterday, and I'll take another one in a minute, and hopefully that'll keep me from being too drippy. I'm still getting used to having a monthly cycle after so long!

I'm still feeling quite torn up about Jemima. I can't take her to the UK (it would be prohibitively expensive, and also bitterly unfair when she hates travelling, and would also completely destroy the freedom of movement I need to make this UK experience everything I want it to be ... it just wouldn't work). And staying here in Australia and never having any of those wonderful experiences, for the sake of a cat who can't possibly understand the sacrifice, is absurd. I am certain I will find a loving home for her amongst my many friends and acquaintances. Someone will take her and love her and look after her, and send me pictures occasionally. But that knowledge doesn't stop me from feeling terribly sad about it. Jem has been one of the only constants in my life since I got her 3.5 years ago, and for significant portions of time, my household has consisted solely of myself and Jemmy. I will miss her SO much.

Hugs and chocolates please? Well, maybe not chocolates, but hugs would be welcome :)

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Today is an important day.

Today, I am not with an arrogant alcoholic.
Today, I am not with a crazy-making drama-llama.
Today, I am not with a manipulative liar.
Today, I am not with an emotional abuser.
Today, I am not with a thick-as-a-brick idoliser.
Today, I am not with a self-absorbed twat.
Today, I am not with an incompatible kid.
Today, I am not with a deadbeat loser.

I call that a win.

Don't you?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Matters of the Heart

Twice recently, an old friend has come in to do a bit of shopping while I've been on the checkouts at work.

This friend was part of my close group in year 12, and the subject of a crush that lasted most of the year ;) We were friends first, and spent a lot of time chatting on the phone and in person that year; by the end of the year he was well aware of the crush, but managed to gently make clear the fact that while he loved the friendship, the feelings weren't reciprocated enough to start anything at that point. And I was ok with that - a little disappointed of course, but hey, I was 16 and it was a crush. No biggie.

I've hardly thought about him since then, except for the odd memory or a do-you-remember session with other friends from that group. I ran into him once at uni when he was getting his degree and chatted briefly, and we're facebook friends (though he is not a very active user) but otherwise he's not been on my mind at all.

So why, tell me, does my heart leap when I see him in person? And why does seeing him for a few minutes at work leave me with a head full of him and an irresistible desire to stalk his facebook photos to see his face?

It doesn't make any sense. It was a schoolgirl crush, 13 - count 'em, 13 - years ago. It's utterly idiotic that when he came in to work for the second time I caught my breath and blushed as soon as I saw him. WTF.

He hasn't shown any particular interest, either. He was really pleased to see me the first time, and the girl on the checkout next to mine got all giggly because he obliquely asked whether I was single, but I think that was just conversation. He hasn't made any overt effort to contact me or anything (and with FB, I'm right there) so I doubt there's any interest beyond reminiscent friendship there. Certainly nothing to spark off this ridiculous pseudo-crush my emotions seem to be having off in a corner by themselves.

WHAT THE HECK. That's all I'm asking.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Giving and Getting

I was reading an "agony aunt" type blog today in which the original correspondent had asked whether she should feel guilty about refusing a charity donation request at work.

The blog writer acknowledged that we are allowed to be choosy about when and where we donate. But then she went off into a long, passionate exposition about the difference between keeping our own money for our needs, and depriving others of the basic needs of life for the sake of our wants. She reminded the readers that we are hugely affluent compared to the vast majority of the world's population, and we should be grateful and humble and giving, not constantly blowing all our money on the latest 'thing'.

One burning burst of guilt later, I now have a World Vision sponsor child. I've been meaning to do it for ages but have never quite got around to it - you know? But I have no excuse. I have the money, I have a computer, it only takes a few minutes. So I made myself do it. My sponsor child is a 5-year-old girl from Sri Lanka.


I got all of my readers and unit info for my three classes this week. All three have exams, which will be all sorts of exciting as I'll be in London by the time exam week rolls around. I'm going to email the three tutors and introduce myself so that they know well in advance what is going on!


I'm currently suffering terrible headaches due to a prodigious set of neck & shoulder muscle cramps. I've been to the physio today ("... you've made a real mess of this, haven't you!" he said) and I'm going back on Friday. Unfortunately it's being caused by the register work, and I can't afford to give that up so I'll just have to keep treating it for the time being.


This weekend I have a Saturday off finally, and I'm spending it sewing my latest bliaut and helping my friend L sew her first ever garb. Should be fun!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Latest

My passport, complete with Right of Abode certificate, came back last week, so I'm all set to go!

I keep opening it up and looking at it. It's really here and I'm really going :)

It's just over 13 weeks until I leave. I'm gearing up to the next level of preparations now - making sure my immunisations are up-to-date, getting a federal police clearance, researching likely bank accounts, and so on. I'm starting to get a definite feel for what my first days there will be like, and I'm also looking ahead, working out which tours I'd like to take eventually. I'm going to see Russia, and Egypt, and Petra, and ... everything!

Work is tiring (6 days a week, many 8-10 hour shifts) but it's paying the bills and letting me save up, and that's what I need.

I'm spending my evenings sorting boxes while watching Babylon 5 - I'm going to re-watch the entire 5-series arc before I go, just for the hell of it! Anything to help the time pass in a meaningful way. Right now, 13 weeks feels like both forever and no time at all. It's an awkward headspace to be in.

A few days ago I spent a day worrying that I would find my London experience similar to my Sydney experience - lonely and dreary - but I realised that that isn't going to happen. In Sydney I was constantly broke, which meant that I went nowhere and did nothing. My depression, faith crisis and non-existent self-esteem meant that I pursued no hobbies, made few friends, and had no connect with anyone or anything. In London I'm going to be part of a church community and part of the SCA, and I'm going to connect with community garden groups, music groups (I want to join an amateur choir), organic living groups, and so on - just people, people, people. I'll meet other teachers, other expats, and so on. I will be fine.

So here I am - writing and revising lists constantly, trying to keep on top of what I already know and still need to find out, and working and waiting for the time to come.

30by30 update: 2 down, 28 to go. On schedule!