Impatient & Lonely

I have been in a bit of a mood the last couple of days. There's a good (biological) reason for that, although of course I only figured that out after the teary meltdown!

Through all these little mood swings I've been in the grip of an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I realised that, for the first time since coming to the UK, I'm actually getting significant uninterrupted swathes of me-time. When I was first here the share house was a novelty and I had nice girls to talk to, and then I was with my ex and had to be constantly alert and sensitive to his moods. I couldn't listen to my own music or just zone out or work on something pointless and ridiculous for hours. I've loved having that back this week - I'm starting to feel like myself again - but at the same time, there's a loss there. Fuelled by the fact that there is someone from Perth whom I'm missing like crazy (he knows who he is), I'm flailing around just wanting someone to cuddle up to. It's a very physical sort of loneliness, craving contact that no much internet chatting, no matter how affectionate, can quite replace.

And at the same time, I'm almost afraid of finding someone. The ease with which I slipped into yet another dysfunctional relationship scares the pants off me. I absolutely do not want another relationship like that. And in a more general way I'm scared that I'll just find myself back in another monogamous, vanilla, dull relationship like all the others I've had. I've spend my entire adult life hiding what actually interests me because I was afraid (... of everything...). Sometimes I feel like I'll go nuts if I can't start exploring all of that side of myself, right this moment. I want to find people with whom I feel safe sharing the real me and who will understand and I want them now damn it.

But I'm not ready right now... the ongoing mental arguments with the ex are proof of that, although they're easing. I want all this and I want to be ready for it now, and it's incredibly frustrating that I'm not.

And there's no solution but time. I'm doing everything else I can, I just have to wait. Meh.

If I had a dollar

For every time I've dreamt about my teeth falling out, I'd go and buy a book on dream interpretation. And I don't even believe in dream interpretation!

Last night's dream was impressive - an all-singing, all-dancing parade of classic dream symbolism. Alongside the falling-out teeth (two molars, which when returned to their sockets and kept under pressure, did stay in eventually), there was me in a nightie in a public place; friends who were oblivious to my presence and dressed in significant clothing (best friend from primary school in her wedding dress!); me digging through a box containing every pair of jeans I've ever owned, and trying to find my current ones; and a few other things from the early part of the dream that have now slipped my mind but that also made me wake up wondering what they meant.

There are two obvious interpretations: one, that it's a dream about change and fear of it, brought on by the imminent start of term; two, that it's my subconscious trying it on and waving every symbol it can think of in my face. :)

Some of it may have been brought on by what I did last night. I had to take back the DVDs I got out last week, and decided to get just one out to watch last night. I got out "Stardust", which I've been wanting to watch for a while. S introduced me to it last year, and after we watched it together he suggested that we use the end credits song for our wedding song. I loved movie, song and suggestion, and it became "our" song.

(Of course, I then bought it on iTunes so I could listen to it, occasioning a typically critical comment from S: "why did you do that? Now you'll listen to it over and over and get sick of it, and we won't be able to use it after all". There was, you understand, no precedent whatsoever for this comment. Git.)

So anyway, I watched Stardust. I wanted to see it without the filter of S's presence. I loved it still - funny, clever, great themes, etc - and even managed to sit through the song at the end, although part of me wanted to switch it off and make it go away. I didn't feel angry with S exactly (more frustrated with myself for having put up with so much crap) but I did feel sad and lonesome, somewhat aided and abetted by the two jewellery catalogues that came in the post yesterday, one containing a ring that was slightly similar to the ring that S had bought for me.

I guess after that it's not really surprising that I had bizarre dreams!