Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Monday, September 15, 2008

Life, the next bit

Monday today, and it didn't take long for most of the staff to find out what my weekend was like. The reaction was unanimous:

a) No one is in the least surprised that we broke up;
b) Everyone is proud of me for being positive and focusing on the future;
c) Everyone is agreed that I Should Not Put Up With That Crap, and if the relationship is to continue then Things Have To Change;
d) Everyone said some variation on You're Well Shot Of Him, There's Plenty More Fish In The Sea, You Need To Look After Number One or You Could Do So Much Better.

Lunch time culminated in a roll-call of all local young single guys . . . aaaack they're going to try to marry me off to one of the locals! Lol.

I have felt a huge surge of confidence in myself today. This morning I got to school feeling in control and full of energy, rather than dreary and tired after yet another miserable evening. The day flew by and I taught a whole lot of interesting, solid lessons. After school, rather than feeling exhausted and defeated, I was able to tackle everything I needed to do right away, and the lesson ideas came easily and pleasantly. I got so much done. Then this evening I came home knowing I could spend the evening living in my house and doing what needed to be done, rather than (as formerly) hanging around waiting for S to come online because he would sulk if I wasn't available; or (as latterly) hanging around hoping that S would speak to me and tell me what the hell was going on. Now I've eaten a lovely dinner and I'm feeling relaxed and happy and full of hope for the future.

Maybe S and I can work things out. I don't know. What I do know is that I want to be with someone who tackles life with courage and enthusiasm, rather than treating everything as a disaster that can never be rectified. Can an inflexible, sooky 35-year-old drama llama learn to live joyfully? Maybe he can. But I've had enough of relationships that suck the joy out of life. My whole world this year has been about constantly bolstering and reassuring S and walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him, without the least bit of support in return. I am not a doormat. I want to live, not be trampled and torn. Enough is enough.

PS: I forgot, it was Jemima-Cat's second birthday yesterday. My itty bitty kitty is all growed up! :-D

PPS: I also forgot to post my weigh-in yesterday. It was 74.6. I lost 800g last week and I've now lost 6.8kg overall. Another 1.3kg and I will have lost 10% of my starting weight, and another 3.2kg to go before I reach my initial 10kg goal! I'm really doing this! 18.2kg to go . . . I'm really looking forward to being thin! And as nice as 'thin and engaged' would have been, 'thin, single and looking' does sound awfully appealing lol.


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