Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Friday, April 16, 2010

Still here ... honestly ...

I can't really apologise for failing to blog lately. I haven't even been trying. Putting words to my life right now just gives me flaily panicky feelings most of the time.

So here's some things that have been happening . . .

I leave for the UK in 3 weeks tomorrow. All the paperwork is done and I'm almost half packed (or something like that ...). Right now there is a lot of chaos around and bits and pieces of things I need to get done, which isn't really very much fun. I'm not having second thoughts exactly, but I'm finding myself frequently almost paralysed with fear that this will go horribly wrong.  My chief fear is running out of money. Logically I know that I will have work, and it is going to be steady work, and if the teaching work is not quite enough I can waitress or something too, but I'm terrified of being alone in a strange city with no money. Silly terror since I will plan to avoid exactly that and will know well in advance if that is a likely outcome, but still. I am so scared it hurts.

I just need to breathe. I know it'll be ok. I'll make it ok.


I got 82% on my first assignment for the year. It was a theology assignment so that's quite impressive - my first essay in a new discipline! When the tutor starts the comments with the words "your essay's only weakness...", you know you've done okay. I'm still enjoying both the theology and the literature units, and still thinking about doing higher level study in both of them. I just can't make up my mind which order to do them in! Master of Ministry first, or literature PhD? Hmm. Oh well, I won't finish the BA until mid-2013 so I have a while to decide.


I'm struggling a little at the moment with the feeling that I've managed to get my 20s and 30s arse-backwards. I spent the whole of my 20s chasing the dream of settling down and having a family, and failing at it miserably. Now I'm about to enter my 30s and getting to the age where time for that is ticking away rapidly, and yet I've suddenly discovered the joy of being free and untethered, and I want to get out there and have random relationships and new experiences and not aim to be tied down at all for a good while yet. And through that I risk running out of time to have a family.

There's nothing I can do about it except trust that it will work out okay (and remember that the women in my family have had healthy pregnancies well into their 40s so I shouldn't fear running out of time all that much), but I can't help the feeling of wanting to stamp my feet and shriek that it's not fair. It's like I'm trying to cram everything that my 20s should have been into the last few precious months before I hit my 30s, and I'm getting so confused about what I want and where I want it. I think, overall, that the London move will make this easier not harder - new people and places and contexts in which I can safely explore my real, full identity without the weight of peoples' presuppositions and past knowledge. I am determined not to hide anything about myself amongst my new friends in London. I've spent so much time concealing so much of me in Perth that I'm now hemmed in to the outer identity I've woven. There's a few people who get the full version of Christine (hi, Hilary) but not many. I want everyone to know the whole Christine from now on, and it's easier to begin that with a clean slate in a new city. I hope.


I'm currently enjoying a ... thing ... with a guy, which is very sane and comfortable and enjoyable and undemanding and affectionate and lovely. We both know it's going nowhere because I'm leaving the country, but it's enough for right now. How ironic that the "thing" that is ostensibly not a relationship is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. What was that phrase again? Oh yeah, "arse-backwards". That's the one. *headdesk*


My grandfather is in hospital with "multiple infections", after having been hospitalised for pneumonia and sent home again. He is quite ill and very uncomfortable. A small part of my brain is in full-scale freak-out over this, but the rest of my brain can't deal and has just shut the door and said kindly but firmly that we'll deal with that if and when we have to, and not before. I'm feeling a lot of guilt about this - afraid that it's an unnatural Aspie reaction that people would find cold and heartless - but it's the only way I can cope at the moment. I have so many things on my "oh hey there potential meltdown" list that the only way I'm surviving is by refusing to acknowledge them. I'm pretty sure there'll be an episode of rather cathartic stormy weeping when I hit a calm spot, but I'll deal with that later too.


I am trying to sell my car. I've never sold a car before. I don't really want to sell this one. Bah.


I have reached the point where I need to rehome my beautiful wonderful cat, Jemima. This is another thing I know I'll cry about when I finally let go, but I can't let go just yet. If you're in the Perth area and want a cat, consider giving Jemima a home. She is a darling. This is where she is right now . . . I was lying on the bed under a brown blanket doing uni readings, and she lay down next to me pressed right up against my body. When I got up and went back to the computer, she made a nest out of the blanket and curled up in it. D'awwww.


This song by Kelly Clarkson is where I am at right now:


I think I've pretty much covered everything. Welcome to my life right now. It is complicated!

Now that I've got all of this out of my system I'm hopeful that I'll be back to regular blogging. I've been frozen in silence for a while, but I've broken through, so now there may be a flood ...


would really like to meet you in person in London!

your reader A.
Hi A,

Do I know you online somewhere? Or are you a new visitor to my little world?

I will certainly be interested in making new contacts in London, as long as they're not scary stalkers ... :P Tell me about yourself?
Have been followed your writings about a year now...what have happened to you and how you think and live is so similar to mine :) I am in my 30-s, female, now based in UK, but also lived in your homecountry. I don't feel comfortable to talk in this page, but my e-mail is: x

I was about to email you to ask if you had abandoned your blog! I was wondering how your plans are going. I can understand your fears but I'm sure you will be fine!

Hope the last three weeks go smoothly for you,
A, I will send you an email :)

Rosemary: glad you think I'll be fine hehe. I'm looking forward to seeing you again!
Hi Christine,

I think you'll be fine as well! I've been comfronted with similar cross-country or even cross-continental moves, and I think it's perfectly normal to freak out beforehand, but you'll adapt and it will be a great experience, and I hope we'll get a chance to meet up if I come to London or if you come in my part of the world.

Hi, this is Tassie.
Glad to see you back!
I'm sure your move will go well. Keep remembering that this is something you've long wanted to do, and now you're doing it!Many people talk about taking this step, but it's the determined ones that actually set forth. It's only sensible to be aprehensive, but things will soon fall in place.
aaaw, no chance you could bring puss cat over to the uk? even if it meant she went into quarantene for 6 months (that would give you time to get place to live that allowed cats).
Sadly no :( She wouldn't have to be in quarantine as long as she'd been vaccinated against rabies, but I can't afford the flight or a flight carrier for her. She also hates little trips in the car, so making her fly for 20+ hours would be cruel. Once I'm in the UK, I want to be able to travel, and that becomes very tricky if I have a cat that has to be looked after. And then later, if I want to bring her back to Australia, there is a long quarantine and I won't necessarily be able to afford that (they charge you for quarantine and it is pricey!).

All in all, taking Jemima would be expensive, risky and unfair on her. As much as I love her and don't want to be parted from her, it's better for both of us if she stays here.

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