Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Working it Out

Part of GPYP's programme of getting mentally healthy is to grieve for and let go of all of your unfinished business by following letting go rituals (the old 'write a letter and burn it' thing). My unfinished business is about three key issues, but dozens of people. So writing letters to all of them isn't really a functional way of dealing with this. Instead I've started a file on my computer titled "I Should Have Told You.doc". One of the three issues is the fact that I was the 'coper' in my family, the one who kept quiet about her needs as much as possible because others were clearly more important and their needs more significant. So, as they come to mind, I am writing down every significant thing that I should have told the people who helped build and reinforce my feelings of insignificance and inadequacy, either inadvertently or deliberately.

The first is, of course, about S, because I can get that over with quickly. I should have told him that his controlling behaviour was totally unacceptable - even if it meant that he broke up with me. I'm sure there'll be others about him and my other exes that will come out. But I'm just writing down whatever comes into my head. Family, friends, ex-friends, exes, anyone.

I'm going to do this for a couple of months until I feel that I've got in there all of those needs or defiances I never uttered. Then I'll print it out (probably in a significantly fancy font on heavy paper) and burn it. Not quite sure how I'm going to burn it in summer when there's a total fire ban, but still. I'll find a way, or wait until next winter! But those things are going to be gone. I'm going to say them, then burn them, and move on.


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