Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Thinking and Doing

I'm at a stage in my personal healing journey now where I'm consolidating what I know and beginning to apply it. I've discovered the behaviour patterns that get me into emotional messes; I've established the childhood situations and patterns that led to these behaviours; I've identified the false beliefs and messages that have maintained the patterns; and I've learned the beliefs and patterns that need to replace my old, mess-making mindset if I'm going to live healthily. I know all this now. While I still find the odd unexplored corner, the framework is there. I know who I am and where I'm coming from. All I have to do is go out and live what I've learned.

Remember the old friend I had a catch-up with a while back, which might have been a date but wasn't? He's been quite annoying since then, inviting me to a couple of social things he's doing with his each week. Luckily they've all clashed with things I was already doing, so it hasn't been much of an issue, but yesterday he sent me a message to say that since he'd failed to get me to any of the social gatherings, he was inviting me out for dinner again. And I realised that I was going to have to draw a line right there before this goes any further. I'm not interested in dating him, and I'm not interested in seeing him constantly as a friend. I have a lot of friends I see semi-regularly (like Beth :-) *waves*) and that's what I want and need. I don't want OR need an enmeshed, intense, see-each-other-constantly friendship at the moment, especially not with someone who is ever so slightly pathetic and annoying and interested in me. That's a burden I DO NOT WANT.

So I sent him a polite response explaining that while I did want to catch up again sometime, I wasn't looking for an intense friendship and didn't want to be constantly invited to things. I felt horrible doing it - not so much because I felt bad for him (his reactions and emotional health are his business, my side of the street is clean so it's not my problem) but because of the fears I have myself of being judged as mean, displeasing etc. I've been trained through my particular life path to put others first and sublimate my own needs, to live up to the label of "supportive", "coper", "the strong one", "not as needy as your brother". So it's very hard for me to simply close the door on someone and say "No, your expectations are unreasonable or undesirable to me, and I have no intention of meeting them so please cease and desist. Back off." But that's essentially what I said (as gently and politely as could be done while still being clear and firm!).

He hasn't replied, and I know that when he does I'll have to keep a tight rein on my reactions. Whether or not I send a response to his response will depend on what he says; it's not really relevant anyway. What I need to control is how I respond within myself. I do NOT want a negative, accusatory response to send me into an emotional tailspin. Any reactive statements on his part are to do with him, not to do with me, and I have to remember that. I have to live the things I've learned, remember to deconstruct the emotions and ignore the false messages. I'm allowed to set boundaries, I'm allowed to have standards, I'm allowed to tell people to back the hell off and get off my lawn because I do not want them there*. I can. And I will. It doesn't make me bad, it doesn't mean I'm breaking the rules because I'm supposed to cope and not have needs of my own. It's a basic right. That's the message, now I have to believe it!

* He's not, like, actually on my lawn. Metaphor. :)

I have to be at school early tomorrow, as almost the entire staff are going to a PD at another Montessori school, so we're taking the school bus together (it's a pupil free day). Then we're having a short staff meeting, then people can kind of drift off. It's a long weekend too (Labor Day holiday on Monday) so the kids get 4 days off and we get three, but two short teaching weeks. I need it! We're 4 weeks into the term now, time for a slight breather lol. Nearly halfway through the term already, can you believe it? It'll be Easter before I've blinked twice, and the year is just going to slip away. Amazing how time passes.


Hehe Ikea again? :P

I can't do tomorrow, Tyron and I are going to have lunch and check out the new ferris wheel thingy in the city so I'm going to be busy most of the day. But I'm free-ish the other two days (barring church and swimming!). Love to catch up if we can find a mutual time hehe.

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