Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Sunday, October 5, 2008


I'm feeling lost and despondent at the moment. I'm very angry with S and have no real outlet for it - there's only so many times you can rant to family and friends or write not-to-be-sent letters, and I don't want to turn this blog into a negative space. I want inner peace, but it's going to take a while. I thought I was okay, and I'm surprised that I've fallen into this low. Of course, being me, I've been doing a bit of research into grief, and you would be amazed how many websites in the 'surviving a break-up' vein contain the words "you thought you were okay, but then...". Heh.

I'm hurting and lonely and craving any kind of comfort. My sleep patterns are all out of whack, I can't concentrate on anything properly without dropping back to the arguing-in-my-head pattern. I've totally lost interest in getting done any of the stuff I wanted or needed to do these holidays, and can't really imagine doing anything except sitting around for the next week. I hate feeling like this and I wish there was someone I could call but it's after midnight. 

I wish I could come to some conclusion about what the hell actually happened. The "too stressed to be in a relationship" line just doesn't wash or tally with so many other things. Did he get cold feet, realise that he didn't love me as much as he thought? Am I being naive about the new female housemate, did he meet someone else? Was it my weight loss . . . things started going weird right after I started losing more than a kilo a week, might that have had something to do with it? When I think about how he used to nag me about my weight, then sabotage my weight-loss at every turn . . . it makes me so damn angry. At least I know I did nothing to cause this, I have no bad behaviour to feel guilty over. In fact I wish I'd done anything sooner, refused to put up with his abandonment earlier, demanded answers when they were first indicated rather than waiting until it became an act of desperation.

And I know that I will never get answers to the above, and don't even need to - worrying through it is all part of the process of getting over him. But I want to sleep, relax, do anything without thinking of it all. Really badly.


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