Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Feeling Grey

For the last few days I’ve been feeling dreary and unhappy for no reason I can readily define. I’m fine when I’m around friends and family, or talking to them online or on the phone – their love, approval and admiration fills me with light. But once I’m alone with my own thoughts I fade away into a sort of listless sadness in which I feel lost, awkward, meaningless and utterly dulled.

There’s plenty of niggling little reasons why I might be feeling this way. Physically, I’m worn out and achy from the sheer drudgery of moving and cleaning house and working at Subway, my ankle isn’t getting any better and my old wrist/hand injury has flared up. That doesn’t make me feel great, of course.

It could be the house move, but I’m loving the new house and that just doesn’t feel like the problem.

I’ve got the usual nagging student anxieties of course – money, assignments, readings etc. And then there’s various other things . . .

. . . I’m anxious about Jemima, who hasn’t settled in yet, and who has a lump on her back where the immunisation went in last week – I know temporary lumps can often result from immunisations, and it’s too early to worry, and she’s not sick or in pain, but I’m worrying . . .

. . . .a cousin’s wedding last week dragged up a family row from last year that I really didn’t want to remember . . .

. . . a vague case of “itchy feet” has me half making up my mind to move to London with a cousin and teach there for a year, just to see if I can . . .

. . . my high school sweetheart is getting married next month, and while I wouldn’t want to be marrying him now, the news has made me reminisce about those good old days, when I was less careworn than I am now . . .

. . . and for some reason I’m really craving physical contact at the moment – my family and friends hug me when they see me of course, but I don’t see my family or my huggy friends anywhere near often enough.

So while there’s plenty of candidates, I just can’t put my finger on anything specific that’s making me feel so drab and languid. But it’s not a comfortable way to feel, no matter what the cause.

Maybe it’s just the weather!


Post a Comment