And sometimes things end.

It's bewildering that one can live, ignoring the bad stuff and highlighting the good stuff, while the fun dwindles and the fights increase, until one day, with barely a sputtering spark, the whole thing is just over and done with.

It's odd that once it's out there in black and white, the pressure is off and respect can return.

It's amazing that you can cry, grief rising up from the bottom of your heart, while feeling relief so intense it's almost joy.

It's strange that you can miss someone when they're right there next to you.

It's breathtaking to find out how many friends you have and how much they care.

It's marvellous to feel free and alive again.

It's surreal to learn that hugs are inside you.

It's a blessing to know oneself.

Here's to adventure.

Sad

Mum phoned me this morning in tears to say that the family cat, Mia, who has had cancer for a couple of years, finally needed to be put down. She'd become very weak and was shaking a lot, breathing strangely and not moving around much. They've waited because she wasn't in pain even though her left ear and eye had gone funny, but it was time.

I raced up the hill and gave Mia a cuddle before my stepdad took her to the vet. She was still aware and greeted me and purred when I stroked her, but she was also clearly very unwell. I stayed with Mum for an hour, chatting to her and 13yo sis and comforting each other. It wasn't until I left that I suddenly started bawling my eyes out, and on the way up to the highway I passed my stepfather returning from the vet where Mia was put down, which *really* set me off. Soon I found I was crying my heart out, not just for Mia, but for Phyllida too even though I thought I'd cried myself out over her before; and for my maternal grandfather, who is having regular mini-strokes and getting more fragile by the week, and probably won't see out the year. I had to go to a particular shop half an hour away and I cried nearly all the way there, and I'm still on the verge of tears now even though it's hours later and I've been racing around doing errands and things. I just feel hurt all through.

My housemate is away all weekend so I'm alone. I have friends who will drop everything to look after me or will include me in their plans, but I think maybe I do need to be alone. Grieving has to be done, it can't just be ignored. I obviously have some things about Phyllida and my grandfather that need to be processed and have been kick-started by losing Mia, and I need to address them. It's time to write some not-to-be-sent letters again.

Dark Heroes

I watched the movie version of "Phantom of the Opera" this evening for the first time since seeing it at the movies back in 2005. I liked it much better the second time around, and was quite riveted despite having seen the movie before, read the book and watched the stage version twice. I honestly couldn't remember how they got out of parts of it!

When I first saw Phantom, on stage when it came to Perth in 1998, I was utterly entranced. Like many teenaged girls, I had a fascination with "dark heroes" - male characters who are heroic in some way (usually, by being the love / lust / serious attraction interest of the heroine) yet also the villain, agitator or in some other way diametrically opposed to the heroine. Jareth in Labyrinth, Angel/Angelus in Buffy, and of course the Phantom, all have elements of this. I used to have a whole list of them, and frequently wrote them into my stories. Kidnappers, usurpers and enemies who became love interests abounded.

Sometime in my early 20s, when I had internet access on my own computer, I googled dark heroes to see if anyone else was as interested in them as I was. I promptly stumbled upon a wonderful article expressing the opinion that dark heroes encourage women to believe that abuse is an acceptable price to pay if you really love someone, or that true love comes with control, etc. I'd already been in several controlling relationships by that stage, and the article made me deeply uncomfortable. I knew it was true. The fact that I felt such an intense yearning towards these fictional relationships, and the fact that I fell for men who treated me like that? Not such a coincidence actually.

It's taken me a long time and several more bananaheads to REALLY learn the lesson, and start fighting back against those beliefs. Dark heroes are not fun. Dark heroes are not nice. Dark heroes are not heroes at all. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Bang head against wall if necessary.

For some reason, this evening, I felt like dipping my toe in the Dark Hero waters and seeing how I reacted. I was going to watch Labyrinth as well after Phantom, but it got too late. As I mentioned, I was riveted. I also sang along as much as possible, albeit sometimes an octave below Emmy Rossum :D And I found that the bits that triggered a strong emotional longing were the bits between Raoul and Christine, not the bits involving Phantom.

As a teenager, I was almost unbearably attracted to the words of "The Music of the Night" . . . 'floating, falling, sweet intoxication' indeed! This time I was drawn to the clean, honest affection of "All I Ask of You" instead, but with nowhere near the intensity of my teenage years. Part of that is no doubt just growing up and being less emotional about everything lol. But I suspect progress nonetheless.

Thinking and Doing

I'm at a stage in my personal healing journey now where I'm consolidating what I know and beginning to apply it. I've discovered the behaviour patterns that get me into emotional messes; I've established the childhood situations and patterns that led to these behaviours; I've identified the false beliefs and messages that have maintained the patterns; and I've learned the beliefs and patterns that need to replace my old, mess-making mindset if I'm going to live healthily. I know all this now. While I still find the odd unexplored corner, the framework is there. I know who I am and where I'm coming from. All I have to do is go out and live what I've learned.

Remember the old friend I had a catch-up with a while back, which might have been a date but wasn't? He's been quite annoying since then, inviting me to a couple of social things he's doing with his each week. Luckily they've all clashed with things I was already doing, so it hasn't been much of an issue, but yesterday he sent me a message to say that since he'd failed to get me to any of the social gatherings, he was inviting me out for dinner again. And I realised that I was going to have to draw a line right there before this goes any further. I'm not interested in dating him, and I'm not interested in seeing him constantly as a friend. I have a lot of friends I see semi-regularly (like Beth :-) *waves*) and that's what I want and need. I don't want OR need an enmeshed, intense, see-each-other-constantly friendship at the moment, especially not with someone who is ever so slightly pathetic and annoying and interested in me. That's a burden I DO NOT WANT.

So I sent him a polite response explaining that while I did want to catch up again sometime, I wasn't looking for an intense friendship and didn't want to be constantly invited to things. I felt horrible doing it - not so much because I felt bad for him (his reactions and emotional health are his business, my side of the street is clean so it's not my problem) but because of the fears I have myself of being judged as mean, displeasing etc. I've been trained through my particular life path to put others first and sublimate my own needs, to live up to the label of "supportive", "coper", "the strong one", "not as needy as your brother". So it's very hard for me to simply close the door on someone and say "No, your expectations are unreasonable or undesirable to me, and I have no intention of meeting them so please cease and desist. Back off." But that's essentially what I said (as gently and politely as could be done while still being clear and firm!).

He hasn't replied, and I know that when he does I'll have to keep a tight rein on my reactions. Whether or not I send a response to his response will depend on what he says; it's not really relevant anyway. What I need to control is how I respond within myself. I do NOT want a negative, accusatory response to send me into an emotional tailspin. Any reactive statements on his part are to do with him, not to do with me, and I have to remember that. I have to live the things I've learned, remember to deconstruct the emotions and ignore the false messages. I'm allowed to set boundaries, I'm allowed to have standards, I'm allowed to tell people to back the hell off and get off my lawn because I do not want them there*. I can. And I will. It doesn't make me bad, it doesn't mean I'm breaking the rules because I'm supposed to cope and not have needs of my own. It's a basic right. That's the message, now I have to believe it!

* He's not, like, actually on my lawn. Metaphor. :)

I have to be at school early tomorrow, as almost the entire staff are going to a PD at another Montessori school, so we're taking the school bus together (it's a pupil free day). Then we're having a short staff meeting, then people can kind of drift off. It's a long weekend too (Labor Day holiday on Monday) so the kids get 4 days off and we get three, but two short teaching weeks. I need it! We're 4 weeks into the term now, time for a slight breather lol. Nearly halfway through the term already, can you believe it? It'll be Easter before I've blinked twice, and the year is just going to slip away. Amazing how time passes.

Bah

Sometimes my brain sucks :(

Yesterday I sent an email to the Archaeology school at UWA asking for information about possible excursions about our term theme. The email I got back was from a girl I knew during my time there who has now got a job with the department. I was reflecting on who else had been around at the time and what I could tell her about where everyone had got to. And my thought ran "X has just had a baby, Y is married, both of them are still archaeologists . . . " and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Most of my archaeology cohort have made it in archaeology, and a lot of them are married and/or have kids. I've changed careers and have neither. Go me.

I know, I KNOW. Different people, different paths, and I need to make peace with mine. But right now I feel like a complete failure, y'know?

I picked up my ring today :)

It's so pretty and sparkly! Simple and subtle but lovely. I'm very happy with it and glad that I bought it.

I've had a few off days this week - I've been working through some grief issues that resurfaced around reminders of Aspergers and relationship issues. Nothing too dramatic but it cost me half a night's sleep on Sunday night. I'm still a bit mind-numbed from that bad night.

I finally managed to get my Murdoch password issues sorted today, and I'm officially enrolled in two units! *squee* I'm taking Introduction to Creative Arts and Introduction to Computer Science this semester. I'm expecting the latter to be a breeze (first-year level arts unit? Psh!) but the CS unit will be a huge challenge. I'm looking forward to it though! I just hope my computer stands up to the software lol.

School is going fine, and yesterday the ICT teacher (who is a guy in his 40s or 50s) told me that he was really impressed by how I handle the kids at the swimming pool when we take them to their swimming lessons. I was really touched, because the compliment was given in private and he has nothing to gain by 'cultivating' me so it was a genuine compliment that he went to the effort to pay. It means a lot, especially given how many bitchy and negative people have participated in my development as a teacher so far! The kids are very frustrating at the moment - the swimming lessons wear them out and the heat is getting to them, so they're ratty and bratty and whingy. The boys also all seem to be going through a stage where they want to be able to dish out insults and so on as 'joking around', but can't take it in their turn, so we're constantly having kids complaining that someone else called them a name, right after we've heard them call the other child a name first! It's driving my co-teacher and I up the wall.

Very tired today, early night for me!

Not a Date

I'm rather enormously proud of myself today, because I kept my head, acted with dignity, and did not get into a relationship I shouldn't have. YAY!

The not-a-date was very pleasant, overall. A and I still have a lot in common and we chatted extensively about our shared interests. At a certain point in the evening the conversation panned out exactly as I expected - he asked whether I was still seeing someone as he remembered I'd been in a serious relationship when we knew each other. I responded exactly as I intended - I explained that the relationship I'd been in had been abusive. Since I didn't feel I wanted to go out with A, I added that I'm not really dating at all at the moment. Since he is basically a decent and gentle guy, he didn't pursue it any further. We plan to hang out again at some point because we can both be unashamedly geeky around the other, but on a strictly friendship basis.

I think this is the first time EVER that I haven't ended up in a relationship with a guy who was interested in me. I've previously been so flattered that I've been sucked into a relationship despite all the red flags. The only exception was the one date I went on in Sydney, where the guy was so hideously unattractive and so blatantly condescending that I refused a second date quite comfortably. Every other time I've shut down the critical part of my brain and gone ahead with it.

The red flags in this case were not huge. I don't find him attractive in the slightest - facial features, body shape etc are all more off-putting than appealing to me so that would and should scupper a relationship right there. There were a few other things, less superficial but perhaps more important. For starters, he didn't dress in a way which I felt was appropriate: black t-shirt with a slogan on it, black shorts, boots, a quirky hat, and an earring - his "style" - which to me shows a lack of social adaptability which would bug me no end in a relationship. Taking out a girl whom you hope to ask out requires a different dress code! There were also several instances which showed that we weren't on the same level of social and emotional maturity, which would make us a poor match. None of this makes him a bad or wrong person, or makes me a bad or wrong person. We're just not the right people for each other.

So . . . I'm flattered, I'm calm, I'm at peace, and I'm still entirely single. And I'm okay with that. The right person will happen at the right time. In the meantime I will continue to make sure that *I* am becoming the right person, the strong, reasonable, boundary-setting, dignified, peaceful, joyful woman who can have good relationships. All in good time. :)

Well, I'm here.

I'm on horribly slow dialup, a temporary service provided by my ISP until my broadband gets connected. It's maddening - I can't believe the internet was ever this slow, let alone slower! - but at least I could clear the 50 emails and check a few sites lol.

I didn't end up getting packed on Sunday - an idiot at the removals office read the name of my town, associated it with the name of a very similar-sounding town 200km south, and sent them there instead. This was not discovered until I phoned mid-afternoon to see where they were and the guy asked which major town I was near, and was then like ". . . oh." So they came at the crack of dawn, 6:30am, on Monday, and packed and moved me all in one day.

Tuesday I went back to clean the old house, but it was hot and I was tired and my 12yo sister came with me to "help" but finding jobs for her to do turned out to be a nuisance, so I put off finishing the clean until Thursday. On Wednesday I unpacked, again with 12yo sister's help, rather more successful this time but I'm still only half unpacked. Thursday I finished cleaning the old house, handed over the keys and said goodbye to that town. It hasn't sunk in yet, no doubt it will!

And that brings me to Friday. I've got to unpack and sort enough boxes today so that my housemate can move in comfortably tomorrow. I've got a long day ahead of me and I'm still quite tired, and aching all over because my body is not used to this kind of exercise! It's probably doing me the world of good to do a week's hard physical labour, but my thigh muscles and calf muscles and back muscles think I'm an idiot.

I think I got bitten by a spider for the first time ever on Wednesday. I was unpacking kitchen stuff when my right big toe started to ache and itch and burn like crazy. Not quite get-me-to-a-hospital painful (which since I had no petrol and a twelve year old in tow is a good thing!) but very sore. Rubbing and massaging didn't help so I just sucked it up and got on with unpacking with a limp. Later I had another look and there was a dark red spot right where the centre of the pain had been. No lump or obvious puncture wounds, just discolouration. Later I did find a small garden spider of some sort in the kitchen, but I've no idea whether it was that or any other spider. It stopped hurting by that evening and the spot is gone now, so whatever it was that bit me, it clearly wasn't one of the dangerous ones!

I'm really liking the new house. It's a 1950s cream brick house with wooden window and door frames, fairly run down but with recently re-tiled floors which lift the whole thing. The neighbours have sheep, I'm getting used to the railway freight line right across the road, there's a tiny general store around the corner, and the house and its environs just have a nice feel to them. For the first time ever, I can imagine staying put in a rental house! I'd like to stay here until I'm ready to buy, if I can. I really like it and I feel at home at long last. In all areas of my life - accommodation, job, location, hobbies, I'm happy with my life and plans RIGHT NOW. Not the plans for later, the plans I'm working towards eventually, but the plans for the next few weeks and months. This is a new experience!

*blinks*

It's really odd when one's past and one's present collide.

Back in September 2005 I attended a Railway Heritage conference in Tamworth NSW and gave a presentation about what happens when a railway line is stripped and used as a public walk trail. It was called "Railways as an Archaeological Resource: Relics, Recognition and Reuse".

Part of the conference package was that attendees were to receive a copy of the written version of the papers presented at the conference. I chose not to turn mine into a paper - it was a great presentation but as it was only observations and heritage & conservation commentary I decided it wasn't substantial enough for a paper. I was still supposed to get copies of the other papers, but I'd completely forgotten about it.

Since that conference, I've moved states and changed careers. So it was extremely weird to get a call from the organiser at the University of New England (New England NSW, not New England in the USA), wanting to find out my current postage details so that they could send me my copy of the papers! I'm sitting here in a small town with one more uni degree and a year's teaching experience, and this ghostly hand reached out from my archaeology past to give me something I'd forgotten I was getting. Most peculiar!

Giving that presentation was one of my earliest steps on the road to healing, too. I was terrified of public speaking throughout my undergrad uni days - I got used to it, sure, but I never liked it. Offering to do a conference paper was so out of my depth that I wondered if I'd gone mad. But I wanted that opportunity. I was sick with nerves beforehand, and I was trembling so much when I started that I wasn't sure I could hold the laser pointer steady enough for it to be any use . . . but my presentation worked. I was talking about railways to a room full of railways buffs, which has got to have helped :D They laughed when I wanted them to laugh, they were very interested in what I was talking about, and they used up the entire question time afterwards asking me stuff (and stuff I could answer, too!) and just discussing what they'd seen. It was a true "oh wow!" moment for me, when I finally began to have some sense of myself as existing outside of my insecurities. I must find out sometime whether the video that was taken on the day is available. I'd like to be able to watch that and remember how much courage that day took, and how far I've come since then.

These days, get me in front of an audience and I'll never shut up :)

Guilt, Lack of . . .

It's amazing what can happen when one takes guilt and self-negativity out of one's life.

Since New Year's Day I've allowed myself a period of complete time off. No housework except the minimum necessary to keep the house from descending into total slobbery; no have-to-do lists; no exercise if I felt it was too hot; no fussing about preening and looking gorgeous if I was staying home and just felt like vegging, etc. And most importantly, absolutely no guilt or self-criticism permitted over any of my relaxation time. No harassing myself over what I was or wasn't doing. Complete emotional time off.

Well. That worked rather differently to expected.

After only a couple of days of chilling out and feeling utterly guiltless about it, I felt like doing some of the things that actually needed to be done, like phone calls about my house move and so on. And I found I didn't want to slouch around the house in old clothes - in fact I've delighted in keeping my hair shiny and freshly-washed, and in wearing clothes that look and feel good. And after a week - ie today - I started wanting to do the housework, wanting to get some exercise (I've just come back from a half-hour walk around town) and wanting to do everything that needs to be done.

Guilt from outside is a great de-motivator. Nothing is more off-putting than feeling like someone is oppressing you into doing something. But it can work that way from the inside out, too. Once I stopped harassing myself, I found that I could actually handle these things with equanimity. . . I even found myself annoyed because I'd run out of dish-washing detergent and couldn't do the dishes, rather than seeing it as a wonderful excuse. Who would've thought?

Disassociation

The brain does very weird things sometimes.

Hornets (aka huntsman wasps or spider-killing wasps - big-ass waspy things) are one of the few insects I really can't deal with. Most I'm quite comfortable with or can at least handle with a minimum of fuss. But hornets - especially the slim ones, that are shaped like a normal wasp but twice the size - give me the creeping horrors. I scream and run away from them like I scream and run away from nothing else.

Yesterday I was thinking about this, and wondering why. I cast my memory back over various events involving wasps and hornets, and the only thing I could come up with was when I saw my cousin Vanessa get stung by small wasps when I was about 14.

Except . . . something about the memory was off. I "knew" it had been Vanessa that got stung, but I could remember the flailing from my own perspective. What?

So I sent my brother an email, and he confirmed that it was me that got stung by the wasps. Vanessa was there, along with our friends from across the road, Shane, Donna and Sarah; but I was the only one that got stung. For some reason, since then I'd altered the memory, disassociated myself from being the victim and put my cousin in that role instead.

I wonder why on earth I did that?

There's one other occasion from my childhood when I know I disassociated a memory. When I was about 11, my friend Erin and I were mucking around in the kitchen, "cooking" (which usually meant either screwing up and wasting ingredients, or getting bored and giving up halfway through). We'd opened a can of something, and from what I remembered, Erin cut her thumb on the edge of the can, right across the knuckle, and it was rather scary and bled everywhere. It was years and years later that I suddenly went "wait a second, the scar from that is on MY THUMB". It's still there today, for that matter. One slightly jagged cut scar, right across the knuckle of my left thumb. But at some point my brain had gone "do not want" and started telling me that it was Erin's thumb that got cut, not mine.

It makes you wonder what else in one's memory isn't real! *cue Matrix soundtrack*

And I still haven't figured out why I'm so scared of hornets in particular. Maybe it is just simply the fact that they're big, solitary, unfazed by most attempts to kill them, and they come at you at head height with malice aforethought. That's enough, right?

Hmm

I've been lonely this evening. It's the first time I've felt this way for ages - ever since I broke up with S I've relished my quiet, stress-free, crazy-free evenings. But up until recently I had days full of people, both wanted and unwanted, and my evenings of solitude were a luxury.

Today, however, my house has felt distinctly empty and I've felt very isolated.

It's not a raging, desperate feeling. I'm well on top of it, and I'm certainly not about to go rushing around trying to fill the emptiness with anyone or anything. I'm just a little curious about why this feeling has come about at this point in time. Is it simply the unmet need at the moment (I'd like someone to chat to or hang out with, and currently there's no one available)? Or is it coming from somewhere else?

Hmm.

2008, The Closing Scene

A cool breeze - more like a gale - did finally come up, and that combined with washing my hair had pretty much taken care of the headache. But it was still bugging me a little, so I thought I'd go and take another dose of painkillers, since the others should have worn off by now. I went to find the glass I'd used . . . and discovered that I never took the first lot. The little glass of aspirin dissolved in water was still sitting there, entirely un-drunk.

No wonder they didn't help, and no wonder I had no specific memory of what time I took it - I didn't take it!

I've taken them now, and hopefully the much-abated headache will shortly be gone for good.

So . . . 45 minutes left of 2008. What a year! I've come so unbelievably far this year, and learned so much. I've done things I never imagined I would do, both good and bad. I've gone from a position of great weakness and doubt to such strength and confidence. And I've shrunk by 9kg :) I've finally finished playing the best friend in the movie of my own life (to quote "The Holiday"). I've been through the emotional wringer and come out calmer than I've ever been. It's been great. It's been terrible. It's been both at once.

To quote Dickens, who had rather a way with words:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

I have plenty of hopes and aspirations for 2009. Here are some of them, edited from my post on GPYP:

I’m going to spend the year standing up for myself and doing what is right for me. I’m not going to do things that aren’t right for me, even if people try emotional blackmail. No more crazy dances. No more reactivity.

I’m going to spend the year believing in my ability to explore my interests. That means being whole-hearted in my teaching, playing in a concert band, singing in a choir, joining a writers' group, studying hard and living well.

I’m going to learn how to have ‘down time’ again. I have to give back my education department laptop so this is a good time to learn to just BE rather than spending huge blocks of time dithering on the internet while half-watching the TV. I’ll still have my PC and I’ll still have my TV but they are going to be separate and they are going to be limited.

I’m going to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. I’ve lost 9kg so far and if I can just stick to the weight watchers plan consistently until July I will have lost the remaining 20kg that will put me at the absolute perfect weight for my height. I’m going to be slender again in 2009 and I’m going to stay that way.

Bananaheads will not happen next year. If men happen, they will not be bananaheads.

Above all, I hope 2009 is just a little bit easier than 2008 has been. I'm intensely grateful for all of the soul-growth I've experienced this year, but . . . I can has brake naow? Pleez?

To all my readers, whether you're regulars or passers-by: Happy New Year! And may 2009 be filled with love, wellness, satisfaction, hope and opportunity beyond your wildest dreams.

With all the very best of love,
Signing off for 2008,
Christine.

See you in 2009!

RIP Phyllida.

More On That . . .

The author of Getting Past Your Past talks about "D-BOM" moments. The name comes from the saying "dawn breaking over Marblehead", which is from Massachusetts apparently and, in my own words, means 'finally realising something you immediately realise that should have known already'. The GPYP method of recovery leads to many of these. And in relation to the housemate business, I've had one.

If looking after myself and doing the right thing by myself means letting someone down, then that's OKAY.

Especially if it's someone so utterly unrelated as a potential housemate I've only just met!

The unhealthy me of even a few months ago would have agonised over the decision and probably ended up going through with the house-sharing arrangement because I would not have been able to stand the idea that I was letting this person down. I would have said "but I SAID I would . . . I SAID so . . ." and let fear of others' disappointment or disapproval rule my decision-making process. I would have quailed at the idea of backing out, and convinced myself that it was best to leap in head first and take this opportunity, rather than waiting for the right opportunity to come along. Hell, I've done it enough times with relationships!

But the me of today thought, what does it matter? He's just some guy who's looking for a housemate. He'll find another one. I am under no obligation to him, the universe or anyone else to go live in a suburb I hate in the wrong part of town and make myself miserable for a year, just because some guy might think I'm a cow for changing my mind.

In fact, I realised he's welcome to think I'm a cow for changing my mind. He can even call me one, if it helps. It doesn't make my decision any less right! If he did react that way, his negative emotions would be about him and his needs, not about me and mine. Not my problem.

I have the right to put my needs first!

D-BOM!

Clarity

I stutter when I get nervous. I always have done. I hate hearing myself do it, but of course getting worked up about the stuttering makes me stutter even more! And since I've always been nervous in just about every social setting, even with family I've known all my life, there's been a lot of stuttering over the years.

Last night, Stepdad's family Christmas. I've known this lot since I was in my early teens, consider them family, and yes, have always had stuttering moments around them, particularly when speaking to my step-uncles and the one cousin my age.

This time - not a single stutter. And not because I stayed silent, either :D In fact I was in conversation pretty much constantly, and my voice never so much as wavered. I felt 100% secure in myself the entire time.

I also realised this morning that I haven't had any negative self-talk for at least a week.

I AM GETTING WELL!!!!!

Growing Again

As you all know, I'm a big fan of Getting Past Your Past. Today's entry was this guest blog, which is one reader's suggestion on how to deal with the inner voice that harps on about how much one is unloved, unwanted, unsatisfied etc. The blogger suggests that instead of the validating "there there, I know!" responses most of us give ourselves, we should actually just meet those needs. Nevermind that they were not met by someone else in our past: meet them, now. Give that voice nothing to complain about.

WOW.

I cried when reading it, and later realised that, in an unconscious way, I've just done exactly that.

When we were kids and teens, my brother and I were both miserable at school, but we expressed it in different ways. I withdrew, he acted out. His way of asking for help was recognised, and he got switched between schools fairly regularly in an attempt to find the best environment for him. My way of asking for help wasn't actually noticed, ever. My parents never once came sailing in and dragged me out of a school I hated then hunted around for a better environment for me. They didn't know I wanted them to.

That rankled for a long time, and there were echoes of that in my distress throughout this year. "I hate the state school system, I'm so miserable, why won't someone come and rescue ME . . .". But someone did rescue me. I rescued me. I realised I couldn't stay in that environment, I found an alternative and I hauled myself out of one and into the other. It doesn't matter that it was me who came along and helped me when I needed it. Someone noticed, and someone did something about it.

I did need someone to rescue me. But it turned out that someone was me. Fancy that!

LOL People

I found out a short while ago that some people I know online - people I respected online - have been publicly and complicitly bitching on their blogs about a whole lot of people on the website we frequent. I was amongst those being called names by these people.

I have done a huge amount of emotional growth this year, and changed a great deal, so it was interesting to observe the way I reacted to this. My first reaction resembled the old me, who was so riddled with insecurity that any external challenge to my self-belief had to be exterminated with extreme prejudice (misuse of phrase intentional! ). I wanted to go roaring in there and blast them.

But then the new me took over, and gently pointed out: "Why bother?".

And that's the end of it, really. Why bother? I can't control their reactions, their emotions, their beliefs. If they're so heavily invested that the naming tastes and interactions of internet acquaintances require such vitriol, that's their loss. I've been there and done that, and I know how bad it was for me, and what a negative headspace I was in until I kicked the habit of behaving like that. I occasionally slip up - as do we all! - but I no longer let fury at others define me. And I like it this way.

I am living healthily in mind, body and soul, and I do not let my past define, control or delude me. I know who I am, and I no longer have any need for this . . .



In other news, thank goodness it's the weekend. I'm EXHAUSTED. Four teaching days left . . .

ADDING: Lol again. I just found an entry by one of the above bloggers where this person bitched about a thread I'd started asking people what their favourite cat colouring was. This blogger compared my question to asking whether a boy or girl baby would be better (yeah because people totally choose that) and generally went on about how pathetic it was. I'm giggling madly over here. I haven't ever heard of anyone choosing a cat based on anything other than its appearance, whether they've gone for a particular breed or a particular colour of moggie. Honestly, if you're going to bitch about someone, at least choose something logical!

What would we do without nutty people to laugh at . . .

Birthday!

I started this blog when I was 25, and now I'm 28. Yeep!

I've been having a great day, too, despite having had to work. Dad came up for our Presentation Night yesterday, and stayed over. We stayed up until 1am talking, and then this morning he gave me a card with money in it before he left. Yay!

The staff got me a really nice present, too, which I got at lunchtime :D

And then when I went to the post office after school I received a card from my grandmother with scratch-and-win tickets in it, on which I won $20, and more importantly, a package from Murdoch University saying that I got into the course I applied to do! I'm so excited :D I can't wait to enrol! And what a fantastic birthday present!

I'm happy in a way I'm not really used to. I'm very excited over the course, but the happiness itself isn't hysterical, desperate happiness, but rather contentment and recognition that the good parts of life are good no matter what else is going on. This is somewhat new for me, and I'm enjoying it. Y hallo thar, inner peace!

I think I've lost more weight somehow, too :D

Learning

In past relationships, one of the major problems I have had is that my lack of assertiveness and self-belief has meant that I failed to put appropriate boundaries in place. And because I didn't have good boundaries I kept winding up with guys who wanted (consciously or unconsciously) a girlfriend whose lack of boundaries meant that they could put all of their problems, and responsibility for their emotions, onto someone else. When I think of the times that S used to get himself so worked up over me "upsetting" him that he'd throw up . . . I should have just told him that it was his problem not mine! I tried to once but I was too scared of a breakup at that point. I know now that if a guy breaks up with you because you're setting appropriate boundaries, you didn't want to be with him anyway.

So, anyway . . . back when S and I broke up, I joined a Facebook group for singles in my area. I think it was more to remind myself that there were lots of singles out there, than because I wanted to meet someone; and I'd almost forgotten about it.

On Thursday, a guy messaged me from the singles group saying he'd seen my profile on there and thought I sounded nice and interesting. I looked at his profile and he clearly had done more than look at my photo because we did have quite a lot in common, and he sounded quite nice too. I sent him a message back talking a bit about our shared interests and saying that yes, I'd like to chat sometime. I also discovered that we have one real-life friend in common, so I've sent her a message to find out about him :-D

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the computer with Facebook open when a message popped up from this guy (we will call him D). We started to chat a bit - just about general "how's life" stuff - and then the phone rang. It was Mum, needing to sort out various logistics. When I got back to the computer, I found he'd sent a couple more question messages ("written anything lately?" was one of them) then gone offline. I immediately sent him a message saying something like "oops sorry I disappeared, the phone rang and I had to take it, I'll be back online later :-)". For a few seconds, I started to feel really awful - what if he was angry / worrying / going to be narky and resentful? And then I said STOP. Firstly, his emotions are not my problem. Secondly, if he was any of those things towards a girl he'd just started chatting to, and couldn't accept that sometimes people just have circumstances that interrupt a conversation, then I wouldn't want to be friends with him anyway, let alone take things further one day. I know how past boyfriends would have reacted to that - sulking sarcastic sneering snapping selfishness! I don't WANT any more of those, so who cares how he reacts? If it's the wrong reaction I'll just say goodbye and forget about it.

And, lo and behold . . . this morning I found a message from him basically saying "no worries, I had to go out anyway" and then moving straight on to chatter about other interests.

Healthy-minded people attract other healthy-minded people. Have I finally attracted one? And does it work even if I'm not being actively healthy where he can see me? It doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps I'm radiating that health in ways I don't understand . . . even on the internet.

Security vs Happiness

There are a number of things that could happen from here.

1. I stay here, and so does the principal, and I have a horrible couple of years until I can get a transfer somewhere else.

2. I stay here and the principal moves on, and things improve or don't but either way I'm not dealing with her.

3. I get a job in the private sector and leave this stupid town and the cow of a principal behind entirely.

Now, all three of those are conditional on other people - on the education department's handling of the principal and on other schools considering me for a job. But the last has the advantage that - even if it doesn't come through and I'm only actively seeking it - I'm not passive.

I realised today that I HATE the public school system. I hate the rigidity and the meanness and the impersonality and the bureaucracy and the whole package. I hate what it does to the kids, and I hate what it's doing to ME. I do not like the person I am becoming as a teacher, and that worries me. The system is still so punitive and negative and them-against-us that I'm starting to buy into it, starting to accept the lies about children and childhood that feed the machine. NO!!!!! That is not what I want out of life and not what I expect from myself. I really feel that I want to get out of the public system entirely.

I just submitted an application to teach at a Montessori school in the suburb nextdoor to where Mum lives - back in my beloved hills. There's two more positions to apply for, at a protestant Christian school two suburbs from where Mum lives. And a few at Catholic schools in the south-west. I'm going to apply and apply and apply until I get something outside of the state system, no matter what. Whether it's in the city or the country, whether it's Catholic or Protestant or Steiner or Montessori or simply Alternative, I want to be out of the impersonal machine and into the world that believes that children are the REASON for what we do, not an impediment to it!

I'm feeling empowered right now. I'm not sitting back and letting stuff happen to me, but going out and looking for a better future. Yay for me.

This may mean being pinched financially, having a more demanding landlord, more house moves and many other things over the coming years. But miserable security is not living.