Learning

In past relationships, one of the major problems I have had is that my lack of assertiveness and self-belief has meant that I failed to put appropriate boundaries in place. And because I didn't have good boundaries I kept winding up with guys who wanted (consciously or unconsciously) a girlfriend whose lack of boundaries meant that they could put all of their problems, and responsibility for their emotions, onto someone else. When I think of the times that S used to get himself so worked up over me "upsetting" him that he'd throw up . . . I should have just told him that it was his problem not mine! I tried to once but I was too scared of a breakup at that point. I know now that if a guy breaks up with you because you're setting appropriate boundaries, you didn't want to be with him anyway.

So, anyway . . . back when S and I broke up, I joined a Facebook group for singles in my area. I think it was more to remind myself that there were lots of singles out there, than because I wanted to meet someone; and I'd almost forgotten about it.

On Thursday, a guy messaged me from the singles group saying he'd seen my profile on there and thought I sounded nice and interesting. I looked at his profile and he clearly had done more than look at my photo because we did have quite a lot in common, and he sounded quite nice too. I sent him a message back talking a bit about our shared interests and saying that yes, I'd like to chat sometime. I also discovered that we have one real-life friend in common, so I've sent her a message to find out about him :-D

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the computer with Facebook open when a message popped up from this guy (we will call him D). We started to chat a bit - just about general "how's life" stuff - and then the phone rang. It was Mum, needing to sort out various logistics. When I got back to the computer, I found he'd sent a couple more question messages ("written anything lately?" was one of them) then gone offline. I immediately sent him a message saying something like "oops sorry I disappeared, the phone rang and I had to take it, I'll be back online later :-)". For a few seconds, I started to feel really awful - what if he was angry / worrying / going to be narky and resentful? And then I said STOP. Firstly, his emotions are not my problem. Secondly, if he was any of those things towards a girl he'd just started chatting to, and couldn't accept that sometimes people just have circumstances that interrupt a conversation, then I wouldn't want to be friends with him anyway, let alone take things further one day. I know how past boyfriends would have reacted to that - sulking sarcastic sneering snapping selfishness! I don't WANT any more of those, so who cares how he reacts? If it's the wrong reaction I'll just say goodbye and forget about it.

And, lo and behold . . . this morning I found a message from him basically saying "no worries, I had to go out anyway" and then moving straight on to chatter about other interests.

Healthy-minded people attract other healthy-minded people. Have I finally attracted one? And does it work even if I'm not being actively healthy where he can see me? It doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps I'm radiating that health in ways I don't understand . . . even on the internet.