Torn in Half

This evening I went to the Newcomer's Feast, which will probably be my last SCA event in Aneala (aka Western Australia). I leave in 8 weeks and although there's a couple of events between now and then, I either can't go or they're not major ones.

I had a wonderful time, but after court was closed I got a heavy, sad feeling and although I would normally stay to help clean up, I realised that bailing before bawling is usually the best option. The tears started on the way to the car and lasted most of the way home. I'm feeling a little better now that I'm home and out of my very warm bliaut and showered and in comfy clothes, but I can feel that the tears are still lurking. One of the GPYP tenets is to give sorrow words, so this is me, wording my sorrow.

I have made a whole lot of wonderful friends in the SCA here in Perth. I love the way they play the game, and although I'm still a newcomer and still feel on the outre at times, there are some people with whom I've developed great bonds and friendships, and whom I will miss dreadfully when I leave.

I know I need to go and I would regret turning away and never having the wonderful experiences that are waiting over the horizon in the UK. I need to do this, and yet part of me thinks I'm incredibly stupid to be taking my life apart. Bits of it didn't work at all, but other bits work very well and I feel awful leaving them behind.

I want to be in two places at once, and I can't, and right now I feel like it's tearing me into two pieces.

I also feel lonely at the moment. I watch and admire and adore the couples in good, healthy relationships - I can see pretty clearly which ones are and aren't, these days - and I want that. I know I'm supposed to be building my life and being whole and happy by myself, but sometimes I just want someone else to share things with. I know it will come in time, and I should enjoy the moment, but I right now I'm just impatient. I want real love, and I want it now, damn it.

I'm sure tomorrow I'll get up and go on, but tonight my spirit is sore.

Freedom

Today is an important day.

Today, I am not with an arrogant alcoholic.
Today, I am not with a crazy-making drama-llama.
Today, I am not with a manipulative liar.
Today, I am not with an emotional abuser.
Today, I am not with a thick-as-a-brick idoliser.
Today, I am not with a self-absorbed twat.
Today, I am not with an incompatible kid.
Today, I am not with a deadbeat loser.

I call that a win.

Don't you?

More On That . . .

The author of Getting Past Your Past talks about "D-BOM" moments. The name comes from the saying "dawn breaking over Marblehead", which is from Massachusetts apparently and, in my own words, means 'finally realising something you immediately realise that should have known already'. The GPYP method of recovery leads to many of these. And in relation to the housemate business, I've had one.

If looking after myself and doing the right thing by myself means letting someone down, then that's OKAY.

Especially if it's someone so utterly unrelated as a potential housemate I've only just met!

The unhealthy me of even a few months ago would have agonised over the decision and probably ended up going through with the house-sharing arrangement because I would not have been able to stand the idea that I was letting this person down. I would have said "but I SAID I would . . . I SAID so . . ." and let fear of others' disappointment or disapproval rule my decision-making process. I would have quailed at the idea of backing out, and convinced myself that it was best to leap in head first and take this opportunity, rather than waiting for the right opportunity to come along. Hell, I've done it enough times with relationships!

But the me of today thought, what does it matter? He's just some guy who's looking for a housemate. He'll find another one. I am under no obligation to him, the universe or anyone else to go live in a suburb I hate in the wrong part of town and make myself miserable for a year, just because some guy might think I'm a cow for changing my mind.

In fact, I realised he's welcome to think I'm a cow for changing my mind. He can even call me one, if it helps. It doesn't make my decision any less right! If he did react that way, his negative emotions would be about him and his needs, not about me and mine. Not my problem.

I have the right to put my needs first!

D-BOM!

Growing Again

As you all know, I'm a big fan of Getting Past Your Past. Today's entry was this guest blog, which is one reader's suggestion on how to deal with the inner voice that harps on about how much one is unloved, unwanted, unsatisfied etc. The blogger suggests that instead of the validating "there there, I know!" responses most of us give ourselves, we should actually just meet those needs. Nevermind that they were not met by someone else in our past: meet them, now. Give that voice nothing to complain about.

WOW.

I cried when reading it, and later realised that, in an unconscious way, I've just done exactly that.

When we were kids and teens, my brother and I were both miserable at school, but we expressed it in different ways. I withdrew, he acted out. His way of asking for help was recognised, and he got switched between schools fairly regularly in an attempt to find the best environment for him. My way of asking for help wasn't actually noticed, ever. My parents never once came sailing in and dragged me out of a school I hated then hunted around for a better environment for me. They didn't know I wanted them to.

That rankled for a long time, and there were echoes of that in my distress throughout this year. "I hate the state school system, I'm so miserable, why won't someone come and rescue ME . . .". But someone did rescue me. I rescued me. I realised I couldn't stay in that environment, I found an alternative and I hauled myself out of one and into the other. It doesn't matter that it was me who came along and helped me when I needed it. Someone noticed, and someone did something about it.

I did need someone to rescue me. But it turned out that someone was me. Fancy that!

Quick Quote

"if he really wanted me and our relationship, I wouldn’t need to be a detective to figure it out."

From a poster named Stronger on the GPYP comments.

This is so applicable to S and I that I yelped when I read it. Those five weeks of crazy-making were stupid and unfair. He should have had the balls to come out and tell me one way or another right from the start, instead of leading me in that crazy dance of withdrawal and denial and hysterics because he didn't have the guts to say what needed to be said. And I should have realised that if he wanted me in his life I would be in no doubt about it.

Another lesson learned . . .

Setting it Straight

I have mentioned before the wonderful blog Getting Past Your Past, an incredibly empowering resource for people who are grieving over their break-up and are ready to question why it went wrong and what they can do to end up in a good relationship next time. The site advocates using a tool called the "Relationship Inventory" to take stock of what went wrong and right in your last relationship, and what that meant in terms of your own satisfaction. Some of the questions are hard to answer, because they ask you to question your own beliefs and understandings. But when you finish, it feels good. Oh, so good.

These are some of the things I’ve discovered so far.

1. S was controlling, manipulative, jealous, passive-aggressive, inflexible and enormously self-centred.

2. I ignored S’s behaviour because I was busy being the ‘good’ girlfriend and enabling S’s behaviour because giving in to him meant that I was not being a brat.

3. This was an issue for me because I have struggled against a tendency to a volatile temper. I had formerly adopted crazy-making habits and was determined to defeat them, to the point where I failed to maintain basic standards about how I could be treated.

4. I also ignored S’s increasingly crazy-making behaviour because I did not have the self-confidence to admit that I could see that it was going wrong.

5. This was a self-confidence issue for me because I felt that being in a proper adult relationship was a validation of my own status as a genuine adult, meant that I was ‘keeping up’ with my partnered friends and cousins. These are two issues I have struggled with. By backing out of the relationship I would be going back to the ‘single and failing at life’ tag I’d ascribed to myself.

6. I have self-esteem issues for a number of reasons going right back to the first few years of school. One is the simple fact that having an Aspergers brain means that I have felt different, substandard and confused for much of my life. Another is my role of silent child / ‘the one who copes’ in my family structure. The latter has resulted in my aversion towards asking for help and a habit of belittling my own needs because, as a child, my needs were never as great as those of my brother. I have also developed the habit of belittling my achievements, because what I achieved in spite of my minor needs were never as impressive as what others (ie my brother) achieved in the face of his greater needs. This is a false perception, and a belief not shared by other people, who see my achievements independently to others’ and are really very proud of me.

7. In most of my relationships, I have repeated the pattern of accepting what I should not accept, because I lacked the self-confidence to draw the line at the risk of losing the relationship. In these situations I was clinging to the validation that being in any relationship provided, and doubted my own ability to distinguish between acceptable friction and unacceptable behaviour. I broke up with B because of his denigrating behaviour, then reneged and had to find it out again in the repeat relationship. I took it from E until my walk-over-ness drove him away. I caught it in time with N. With C, I allowed actual abuse to drag on for a year before finally refusing to accept it any longer, precipitating the breakup. D drove himself away by buying into his own crazy-making manipulation, but I had realised that the relationship was going to end because of it. With S, I pretended that I could accept and deal with the treatment I was receiving, and although I still have no idea exactly what precipitated the breakup on S’s part, the way he was treating me was appalling and I should not have been allowing it.

8. The key for me to have successful relationships in the future is to develop an unassailable feeling of self-worth, and to be absolutely clear with myself about what I will and will not accept from others. To do this I will need to unpack every layer of my self-doubt, address every false perception, reject every unwarranted label, and replace the falsehoods with positive truths that will support my belief that I deserve only the best treatment from only the best people. Then, and only then, will I be ready for another relationship.



So there it is. I have a LOT of work ahead of me. I don’t know how long it will take, and for some parts I don’t even know how I will achieve it. But I’m going to get there. No more crazy-making, no more doubt. I’m going to get to the bottom of this.