Sad

Mum phoned me this morning in tears to say that the family cat, Mia, who has had cancer for a couple of years, finally needed to be put down. She'd become very weak and was shaking a lot, breathing strangely and not moving around much. They've waited because she wasn't in pain even though her left ear and eye had gone funny, but it was time.

I raced up the hill and gave Mia a cuddle before my stepdad took her to the vet. She was still aware and greeted me and purred when I stroked her, but she was also clearly very unwell. I stayed with Mum for an hour, chatting to her and 13yo sis and comforting each other. It wasn't until I left that I suddenly started bawling my eyes out, and on the way up to the highway I passed my stepfather returning from the vet where Mia was put down, which *really* set me off. Soon I found I was crying my heart out, not just for Mia, but for Phyllida too even though I thought I'd cried myself out over her before; and for my maternal grandfather, who is having regular mini-strokes and getting more fragile by the week, and probably won't see out the year. I had to go to a particular shop half an hour away and I cried nearly all the way there, and I'm still on the verge of tears now even though it's hours later and I've been racing around doing errands and things. I just feel hurt all through.

My housemate is away all weekend so I'm alone. I have friends who will drop everything to look after me or will include me in their plans, but I think maybe I do need to be alone. Grieving has to be done, it can't just be ignored. I obviously have some things about Phyllida and my grandfather that need to be processed and have been kick-started by losing Mia, and I need to address them. It's time to write some not-to-be-sent letters again.

Love and Tears

Mum just forwarded to me an email from my aunt, who is currently living in England and was able to go to Phyllida's funeral. From her description it was an absolutely gorgeous service and very satisfying and joyous as well as sad.

I'm bawling my eyes out, but I'm glad too. How strange is that?

UK readers, a request?

My mother's cousin Phyllida is being buried in London today, and I'm finding it really upsetting that I can't find anything about it on the internet anywhere. Everything is on the internet, why isn't there a funeral notice or obituary or SOMETHING I can access?

So if you're reading this from the UK, I have a request - it would be wonderful if you could look in your newspaper and see if there's anything about her that you could scan in and email to me. I don't know why it's so important to me, but it is, somehow, and I would deeply appreciate any help.

Of course, you'll need to know her surname (well, probably . . . there may not be many Phyllidas anyway!), so if you're from the UK and willing to help, email me at Chrisell1980@gmail.com and I'll send you the particulars.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can help.

2008, The Closing Scene

A cool breeze - more like a gale - did finally come up, and that combined with washing my hair had pretty much taken care of the headache. But it was still bugging me a little, so I thought I'd go and take another dose of painkillers, since the others should have worn off by now. I went to find the glass I'd used . . . and discovered that I never took the first lot. The little glass of aspirin dissolved in water was still sitting there, entirely un-drunk.

No wonder they didn't help, and no wonder I had no specific memory of what time I took it - I didn't take it!

I've taken them now, and hopefully the much-abated headache will shortly be gone for good.

So . . . 45 minutes left of 2008. What a year! I've come so unbelievably far this year, and learned so much. I've done things I never imagined I would do, both good and bad. I've gone from a position of great weakness and doubt to such strength and confidence. And I've shrunk by 9kg :) I've finally finished playing the best friend in the movie of my own life (to quote "The Holiday"). I've been through the emotional wringer and come out calmer than I've ever been. It's been great. It's been terrible. It's been both at once.

To quote Dickens, who had rather a way with words:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

I have plenty of hopes and aspirations for 2009. Here are some of them, edited from my post on GPYP:

I’m going to spend the year standing up for myself and doing what is right for me. I’m not going to do things that aren’t right for me, even if people try emotional blackmail. No more crazy dances. No more reactivity.

I’m going to spend the year believing in my ability to explore my interests. That means being whole-hearted in my teaching, playing in a concert band, singing in a choir, joining a writers' group, studying hard and living well.

I’m going to learn how to have ‘down time’ again. I have to give back my education department laptop so this is a good time to learn to just BE rather than spending huge blocks of time dithering on the internet while half-watching the TV. I’ll still have my PC and I’ll still have my TV but they are going to be separate and they are going to be limited.

I’m going to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. I’ve lost 9kg so far and if I can just stick to the weight watchers plan consistently until July I will have lost the remaining 20kg that will put me at the absolute perfect weight for my height. I’m going to be slender again in 2009 and I’m going to stay that way.

Bananaheads will not happen next year. If men happen, they will not be bananaheads.

Above all, I hope 2009 is just a little bit easier than 2008 has been. I'm intensely grateful for all of the soul-growth I've experienced this year, but . . . I can has brake naow? Pleez?

To all my readers, whether you're regulars or passers-by: Happy New Year! And may 2009 be filled with love, wellness, satisfaction, hope and opportunity beyond your wildest dreams.

With all the very best of love,
Signing off for 2008,
Christine.

See you in 2009!

RIP Phyllida.

Christmas Sorrow

Mum's first cousin, Phyllida, passed away from leukaemia overnight Perth time, so Christmas afternoon / evening in London where Phyllida and her family live. She'd been sick for 18 months and had several setbacks recently (of the organ failure variety), and we'd been told a few days ago that there was no hope and little time. Phyllida was the same age as Mum (52) and completely healthy before the leukaemia struck. She was Mum's closest cousin and beloved by the whole family connection because she was just a nice, nice, nice person. She had a husband and a 17-year-old son who must be going through an unimaginable Christmas period dealing with this. I had only met Phyllida a couple of times, and while I liked her a lot I wasn't close to her, so I'm just quietly grieving, as much for the grief my closer relatives are feeling than for my own grief. Mum and my grandparents are devastated, as is a first cousin who lived in London for some time and knew Phyllida well, and other aunts, uncles and cousins who have visited her in London.

Keeping them all in your thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Christmas post in a few days when this has all sunk in.