2008, The Closing Scene

A cool breeze - more like a gale - did finally come up, and that combined with washing my hair had pretty much taken care of the headache. But it was still bugging me a little, so I thought I'd go and take another dose of painkillers, since the others should have worn off by now. I went to find the glass I'd used . . . and discovered that I never took the first lot. The little glass of aspirin dissolved in water was still sitting there, entirely un-drunk.

No wonder they didn't help, and no wonder I had no specific memory of what time I took it - I didn't take it!

I've taken them now, and hopefully the much-abated headache will shortly be gone for good.

So . . . 45 minutes left of 2008. What a year! I've come so unbelievably far this year, and learned so much. I've done things I never imagined I would do, both good and bad. I've gone from a position of great weakness and doubt to such strength and confidence. And I've shrunk by 9kg :) I've finally finished playing the best friend in the movie of my own life (to quote "The Holiday"). I've been through the emotional wringer and come out calmer than I've ever been. It's been great. It's been terrible. It's been both at once.

To quote Dickens, who had rather a way with words:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

I have plenty of hopes and aspirations for 2009. Here are some of them, edited from my post on GPYP:

I’m going to spend the year standing up for myself and doing what is right for me. I’m not going to do things that aren’t right for me, even if people try emotional blackmail. No more crazy dances. No more reactivity.

I’m going to spend the year believing in my ability to explore my interests. That means being whole-hearted in my teaching, playing in a concert band, singing in a choir, joining a writers' group, studying hard and living well.

I’m going to learn how to have ‘down time’ again. I have to give back my education department laptop so this is a good time to learn to just BE rather than spending huge blocks of time dithering on the internet while half-watching the TV. I’ll still have my PC and I’ll still have my TV but they are going to be separate and they are going to be limited.

I’m going to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. I’ve lost 9kg so far and if I can just stick to the weight watchers plan consistently until July I will have lost the remaining 20kg that will put me at the absolute perfect weight for my height. I’m going to be slender again in 2009 and I’m going to stay that way.

Bananaheads will not happen next year. If men happen, they will not be bananaheads.

Above all, I hope 2009 is just a little bit easier than 2008 has been. I'm intensely grateful for all of the soul-growth I've experienced this year, but . . . I can has brake naow? Pleez?

To all my readers, whether you're regulars or passers-by: Happy New Year! And may 2009 be filled with love, wellness, satisfaction, hope and opportunity beyond your wildest dreams.

With all the very best of love,
Signing off for 2008,
Christine.

See you in 2009!

RIP Phyllida.

Quick Quote

"if he really wanted me and our relationship, I wouldn’t need to be a detective to figure it out."

From a poster named Stronger on the GPYP comments.

This is so applicable to S and I that I yelped when I read it. Those five weeks of crazy-making were stupid and unfair. He should have had the balls to come out and tell me one way or another right from the start, instead of leading me in that crazy dance of withdrawal and denial and hysterics because he didn't have the guts to say what needed to be said. And I should have realised that if he wanted me in his life I would be in no doubt about it.

Another lesson learned . . .

Changing Hurts.

Growing pains of the soul and mind are no less painful than those of the body.

At the moment I'm digging deep into my childhood, doing the work I need to do to understand why I get pulled into negative relationships time and time again. Part of the answer is the straightforward issue of being an Aspie growing up in a neurotypical word which has given me a desperate need to belong, to be normal, to be seen as fitting in. Sticking with bananaheads because being in a grown-up relationship made me one of the "real people" is part of my problem.

But the more painful issue is one of sibling dynamics. Throughout my childhood, my brother was the one who acted up and acted out. Not that he had no reason - diagnosed with ADHD and undiagnosed with Aspergers, he didn't exactly have it easy. But his problems were so visible. He got into trouble, he had manic episodes, he broke windows, he had to change schools so many times because the staff were running out of patience with his issues. Not all the time - not every day - but he was certainly a high-maintenance child.

I was the opposite. I never acted out, and when my problems did bubble to the surface, they came in the form of hysterics and inconsolable tears. I was a withdrawn, introverted child, the polar opposite of my brother. My problems were no less severe - diagnosed ADD and undiagnosed Aspergers - but I was no trouble. My brother received the lion's share of everyone's attention, because he had to. He needed it, for sure. But I needed it too . . . and never got it. That is the great unmet need of my childhood - for someone to look past the fact that my brother was loud and I was quiet, and realise that I needed help too.

Time and time again, when my brother worked himself up into a state and started acting out, my parents would rescue him - new school, new counsellor, new hobby etc. For years and years and years I waited for my parents to rescue me too. I just knew that sooner or later they would realise just how much pain I was in, how much I was struggling at school, and pull me out, find me a school that would work for me. It never happened . . . because they never knew. And I never asked for help. How could I ask, when my brother so clearly needed their attention more than I?

One effect of this dynamic is relatively easy to deal with: I need to learn to acknowledge my own needs, recognise them as valid, and be prepared to stand up for them. Another effect . . . not so easy. I have to ask myself: do I get into these relationships where I am still suffering and still living out that silently-going-crazy coping role because I am still waiting to be rescued? Is the part of me that puts up with these relationships that same little girl who waited all those years for someone to notice the pain? Am I unable to say no to crazy-making situations because it's my way of giving the universe / my peers / my parents / others one last chance to do what I needed them to do all those years ago?

I have to put that pain to bed forever before I can let someone into my life. I need to make peace with the fact that child-Christine and teen-Christine are never going to be rescued. I have to learn to live with how it was, not how it should have been.

I haven't the faintest idea where to start, but I'll get there somehow.

I'm watching "The Holiday" this evening and want to share this quote:

Iris: "I wanted to get away from one guy, an ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me."
Arthur: "So, he’s a schmuck."
Iris: "As a matter of fact he is a huge schmuck . . . how did you know?"
Arthur: "He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out."

EXACTLY.