Feasts, Friends and a New Year...

Last weekend I took my first step into autocrating SCA events, running a Winter Feast at the marvellously-named Place House Hall in Ware, Hertfordshire. It's a medieval hall, small but picturesque inside, and it makes a lovely venue. My best mate A was my feast cook and mentored me through the autocrating process admirably. We had a couple of food stuff-ups along the way, but between the two of us we put an elegant and extensive repast on the table in a fantastic location. I also introduced my Thamesreach Singers group with great pride - we sang six period pieces very competently, to the general approval of the attending populace. It was a great night, and a successful start to event-running for me. Yay :)

Term has been underway for a little over two weeks now. I'm so glad to have my own class again, and I've had compliments from every quarter about how quiet and settled they are under my guidance. I feel competent and confident, quite unlike a lot of my earlier teaching experiences! My class are lovely, and I can have a giggle with them and still get them to work, which is great. I am really enjoying myself, and never go to work feeling any apprehension. What a lovely change from so many past workplaces.

These past few weeks I've been struck with joy and gratitude for the friendships I have. E, of course, first and foremost, who is best friend and lover and everything in between. I had never, ever imagined that a relationship could feel like this! Every day I relish it a little bit more for its marvellous perfection, and each day I'm a little more convinced that trying to be in relationships with men was a big part of what I was getting wrong all these years. Being with E just works.

As well as E, I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by a group of people who know the real me, nothing hidden and nothing to hide. And they love me, and care for me, and look out for me, and appreciate me. And beyond them, a wider group of people who perhaps don't know me as well, but nonetheless care for me greatly and will always be there for me. I had the strange experience before Christmas of walking into a pub where a corner was filled with these people, and seeing every face in the group of about 15 light up as I walked in, just because I was there. How bizarre and heady for someone whose deepest demon is invisibility!  I feel so secure in myself these days, and it shows in the quality of my friendships.

These wonderful relationships stand in stark contrast to the negatives, backhanded positives and subtle undermining I was used to from various family members and a few extinct friendships. Every now and then something of that behaviour will intrude from people from my past, and it's amazing how poisonous it feels when once it was normal. I am finding myself better able to ignore it now ... a few peoples' email addresses have been blocked so that I need only read their communications if I feel like it! And I have learned not to react, and only to respond if absolutely necessary. Poison and misery are not things I choose to engage with these days.

So generally... I'm busy, and happy, and loving my life more with every week that passes. It feels good!

Weekend Away

This past weekend I went to Newmarket, near Cambridge, for the local SCA shire's Yule Ball. I had a great time and was able to wear my brand-new cotehardie, which I've been working on, on and off, since July. It turned out very well and was widely admired. I also managed to spill wine on it, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't. ;) It'll come clean!

The weekend also marked a milestone for me, in that I drove using my newly-minted British licence for the first time, all the way from London to Newmarket and back, in a big hire car, with 4-5 passengers and loads of baggage, over icy streets in parts no less! I was very nervous beforehand, and when we set off from my friends' house for the long evening journey to Newmarket my legs were shaking! But all went well, and I feel moderately confident about driving in London now. Not something I want to do every day, but if it has to be done, I can do it.

I'm the only driver of that group of people, and I have no doubt that I will be doing it again, as we as a group have formed an SCA household. It's been coming for a while, but we had an impromptu meeting in the car on the way home and got our name, charge, badge and motto established and talked a bit about what we want to do as a household. It's a true household of kindred spirits - some are actual kin, others just spiritual kindred. The level of closeness is amazing, and it spins me around that I'm part of it. I have several other friends that close in Australia, people I am completely comfortable and open with, but for sheer amount of time spent together I don't think I have ever been as close to anyone as I am to the couple who are the core of the household. The experience of complete loving-friendship-trust-openness is heady and wondrous. I've craved that kind of connection for a long time, and now that I have it I can't quite believe it. It takes my breath away.

And yet, as always it seems with me, the awareness of that connection leaves me wistful about an even deeper connection that I lack. I have a safer, more complete connection with these friends than I've had in any actual relationship I've been in. In fact these friendships characterise everything my 'love' relationships have not been. My whole dating history is characterised by sad, sour, unsafe, angry, dramatic, unloving, denigrating and ultimately short relationships. (The only former partner with whom I had a good, healthy connection is 14,500km away and may never live in the same city as me again, so although I think the potential for this kind of connection is there, I can't count on it ever being a regular part of my life.) With that one exception, I have never been able to relax and love and trust anyone like I love and trust these friends, and being in their presence, as much as I love it, reminds me of what I've never had.

And it hurts.

I want so badly to find my way to that deeper level of connection. There must be more wonderful, self-loving, accepting, dear, true people in the world! In London, even! But I don't know how to find them, and the odds of them being both free and interested in me seem so minuscule.

I'm still so full of doubt about myself, my identity and where I fit in the world. Finding one place that I fit, one set of hearts with whom I click, throws into stark contrast the emotional chaos surrounding the rest of my life.

Argh, I don't know... I want to just be happy about what I've got but the ache won't go away.

*sigh*

Processing

I am going to write this and subsequent posts on the assumption that the ex has sensibly deleted the bookmark and is no longer reading this blog, as I have done for his. He deleted and blocked me on facebook, so I think it's safe to say that this blog is an ex-free zone and I can speak my mind freely. If I'm wrong, well... he's reading this and knowing that a) I don't want him here, and b) anything he reads from this point on is at his own risk. So.

I moved out on Saturday, finally. It was very nasty, in the end. On Thursday we were having a great time. He was saying he was still attracted to me, and was so glad we'd stayed friends. He was telling me what he was getting me for Christmas and gave my sore shoulders a massage. And I thought: yeah. A truly amicable breakup. How nice.

On Saturday he was in a foul mood, called me an ungrateful little shit, accused me of a number of things he'd invented in his own head, and forced me to move out a day early with wet clothes and hot soup in tow. It was ugly and horrid and I ended up calling friends in tears - wonderful true real friends who came running and soothed me and looked after me until I was laughing again. The next day, at some point, I found he'd deleted and blocked me. The same man who'd begged me to stay friends when we broke up.

*sigh*

But honestly, in a way I'm glad. This kind of come-here-go-away, I-love-you-I-hate-you crap was the theme throughout our relationship. When he was in a good mood it was wonderful. When he was in a bad mood there was nothing I could do right, and his complete lack of trust coupled with an inability to understand that he could be wrong made getting through to him a nightmare. Everything I said was twisted against me, even as I was accused of doing the same to him. Every attempt at reasoning was met with wild histrionics. It was impossible. Seeing that again one last time at least takes away any need to be friends, and any possibility of nostalgic backsliding. I am so totally uninterested in ever going there again.

I had truly hoped that we could be friends, as we do share some fun interests. But at the end of the day, I have a wonderful set of friends who are also safe, stable, excellent people. I don't want or need friends who act in such an ugly and unloving way. Anyone who swings between those extremes has problems... and is not my problem.

Naturally I've been processing all this madly over the past two days. My brain won't be still. I'm constantly trying to rationalise and reason and find a way to explain things that, at least in my head, might actually get through to him. I know this is a phase and it'll go away as I get through the natural grieving process, but it's making me a bit batty. I don't want to argue with him one second longer. I've had enough.

This evening I suddenly remembered that I'm not obliged to make sense of him any more. His mood swings, his inventions, his OCDs, his deliberate non-listening followed by accusations of having never been told... none of it matters, and none of it is my problem. His twisted logic can't hurt me any more, so when I remember bits of it I don't have to sort through it for some kind of pattern or sense. I can shrug my shoulders, roll my eyes, say "rubbish!" and move on. Hurrah.

Life is picking up and moving forward, and I am already so much happier than I could ever have been in that relationship. I can see my future life taking shape in a glorious way, full of love and security and hearts and people and community and place and kin and home. It looks good :)

I can't believe it ...

This should not still be happening.

How can any parent or caregiver, no matter how tired they are or how annoying their child is being, not realise that HOT CARS KILL BABIES AND TODDLERS?!

They even have signs up at many shopping centres warning people that children can die if they're left in a car on a hot day. Thank God passers-by decided to smash the windows and extract the child before he suffered any serious harm. I hope the mother faces some serious consequences.

Parents & caregivers, do not leave your children in the car. Ever!

A Stiff Lesson

In early December I had my Implanon contraceptive implant taken out, and I decided not to have another one put in. I realised that having the first one put in coincided with the beginning of my major weight-gain problems, so I might as well try without it for a while. I'm not sure I ever want to go back to hormonal contraceptives, but that's a thought for another day.

The upshot of all this is that, after a six-year hiatus, I'm relearning what a normal menstrual cycle looks like.

I don't remember stiff swollen legs as being part of that, but I can't think of any other reason why I would have them. And of course I'm a lot heavier than I was then, which could contribute to the difference. Either way, ugh. They feel horrible and look absurd. Puffy and hard to the touch and sore and stiff to move. Blech.

*

Recently I became involved in a Facebook spat in which a male acquaintance made a joke trivialising rape, and he and a group of other male acquaintances began abusing a female friend of mine who called them out on it. They started claiming that feminism has gone too far and society now discriminates against men. One guy cited violence against men and its low reporting & conviction rates as an example of this. No. Violence against men is trivialised by the male-dominated and patriarchal justice system, and the reason why it is trivialised is that our society still believes that men are superior creatures and should be impervious to an attack by a mere woman. It's a sexist attitude against women that keeps violence towards men out of the spotlight.

I was reminded of this the other night when I was watching Sydney's "Carols in the Domain" on TV. The male presenter was the first on stage and introduced the female presenter. She walked out, and he said "doesn't she look gorgeous? Couldn't you just wrap her up and pop her under your tree?" UGH. NO. She is a person, not a thing. GAAAAAG. The female presenter looked askance at him; my family were staring at the TV in astonishment. From his still-gleeful expression, I'm sure he had no idea he'd said anything inappropriate.

When that kind of attitude is so prevalent even amongst those in the midst of the politically correct media spotlight, how can anyone claim that we've gone too far? Utterly ridiculous.

*

I got a book store gift card from the school board at the staff Christmas lunch (as did the rest of the staff), and I spent it buying reducing the cost of "French for Dummies" and "German for Dummies". I'm determined to have the basics of both languages before I go to the UK, so that I feel more comfortable in the solo continental travelling that I'm sure I'll be doing. I want to brush up my Italian too. I can still mumble a few phrases - last night I was with an Italian-Australian friend of mine and managed to say "I speak a little Italian, but not well. I studied it for two years at university." clearly and correctly, so I must still have some of the knowledge stuck away in there! But I'll leave that until I get French and German sorted.

Am I crazy? It's possible :P

Dark Heroes

I watched the movie version of "Phantom of the Opera" this evening for the first time since seeing it at the movies back in 2005. I liked it much better the second time around, and was quite riveted despite having seen the movie before, read the book and watched the stage version twice. I honestly couldn't remember how they got out of parts of it!

When I first saw Phantom, on stage when it came to Perth in 1998, I was utterly entranced. Like many teenaged girls, I had a fascination with "dark heroes" - male characters who are heroic in some way (usually, by being the love / lust / serious attraction interest of the heroine) yet also the villain, agitator or in some other way diametrically opposed to the heroine. Jareth in Labyrinth, Angel/Angelus in Buffy, and of course the Phantom, all have elements of this. I used to have a whole list of them, and frequently wrote them into my stories. Kidnappers, usurpers and enemies who became love interests abounded.

Sometime in my early 20s, when I had internet access on my own computer, I googled dark heroes to see if anyone else was as interested in them as I was. I promptly stumbled upon a wonderful article expressing the opinion that dark heroes encourage women to believe that abuse is an acceptable price to pay if you really love someone, or that true love comes with control, etc. I'd already been in several controlling relationships by that stage, and the article made me deeply uncomfortable. I knew it was true. The fact that I felt such an intense yearning towards these fictional relationships, and the fact that I fell for men who treated me like that? Not such a coincidence actually.

It's taken me a long time and several more bananaheads to REALLY learn the lesson, and start fighting back against those beliefs. Dark heroes are not fun. Dark heroes are not nice. Dark heroes are not heroes at all. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Bang head against wall if necessary.

For some reason, this evening, I felt like dipping my toe in the Dark Hero waters and seeing how I reacted. I was going to watch Labyrinth as well after Phantom, but it got too late. As I mentioned, I was riveted. I also sang along as much as possible, albeit sometimes an octave below Emmy Rossum :D And I found that the bits that triggered a strong emotional longing were the bits between Raoul and Christine, not the bits involving Phantom.

As a teenager, I was almost unbearably attracted to the words of "The Music of the Night" . . . 'floating, falling, sweet intoxication' indeed! This time I was drawn to the clean, honest affection of "All I Ask of You" instead, but with nowhere near the intensity of my teenage years. Part of that is no doubt just growing up and being less emotional about everything lol. But I suspect progress nonetheless.

Thinking and Doing

I'm at a stage in my personal healing journey now where I'm consolidating what I know and beginning to apply it. I've discovered the behaviour patterns that get me into emotional messes; I've established the childhood situations and patterns that led to these behaviours; I've identified the false beliefs and messages that have maintained the patterns; and I've learned the beliefs and patterns that need to replace my old, mess-making mindset if I'm going to live healthily. I know all this now. While I still find the odd unexplored corner, the framework is there. I know who I am and where I'm coming from. All I have to do is go out and live what I've learned.

Remember the old friend I had a catch-up with a while back, which might have been a date but wasn't? He's been quite annoying since then, inviting me to a couple of social things he's doing with his each week. Luckily they've all clashed with things I was already doing, so it hasn't been much of an issue, but yesterday he sent me a message to say that since he'd failed to get me to any of the social gatherings, he was inviting me out for dinner again. And I realised that I was going to have to draw a line right there before this goes any further. I'm not interested in dating him, and I'm not interested in seeing him constantly as a friend. I have a lot of friends I see semi-regularly (like Beth :-) *waves*) and that's what I want and need. I don't want OR need an enmeshed, intense, see-each-other-constantly friendship at the moment, especially not with someone who is ever so slightly pathetic and annoying and interested in me. That's a burden I DO NOT WANT.

So I sent him a polite response explaining that while I did want to catch up again sometime, I wasn't looking for an intense friendship and didn't want to be constantly invited to things. I felt horrible doing it - not so much because I felt bad for him (his reactions and emotional health are his business, my side of the street is clean so it's not my problem) but because of the fears I have myself of being judged as mean, displeasing etc. I've been trained through my particular life path to put others first and sublimate my own needs, to live up to the label of "supportive", "coper", "the strong one", "not as needy as your brother". So it's very hard for me to simply close the door on someone and say "No, your expectations are unreasonable or undesirable to me, and I have no intention of meeting them so please cease and desist. Back off." But that's essentially what I said (as gently and politely as could be done while still being clear and firm!).

He hasn't replied, and I know that when he does I'll have to keep a tight rein on my reactions. Whether or not I send a response to his response will depend on what he says; it's not really relevant anyway. What I need to control is how I respond within myself. I do NOT want a negative, accusatory response to send me into an emotional tailspin. Any reactive statements on his part are to do with him, not to do with me, and I have to remember that. I have to live the things I've learned, remember to deconstruct the emotions and ignore the false messages. I'm allowed to set boundaries, I'm allowed to have standards, I'm allowed to tell people to back the hell off and get off my lawn because I do not want them there*. I can. And I will. It doesn't make me bad, it doesn't mean I'm breaking the rules because I'm supposed to cope and not have needs of my own. It's a basic right. That's the message, now I have to believe it!

* He's not, like, actually on my lawn. Metaphor. :)

I have to be at school early tomorrow, as almost the entire staff are going to a PD at another Montessori school, so we're taking the school bus together (it's a pupil free day). Then we're having a short staff meeting, then people can kind of drift off. It's a long weekend too (Labor Day holiday on Monday) so the kids get 4 days off and we get three, but two short teaching weeks. I need it! We're 4 weeks into the term now, time for a slight breather lol. Nearly halfway through the term already, can you believe it? It'll be Easter before I've blinked twice, and the year is just going to slip away. Amazing how time passes.

If I had a dollar

For every time I've dreamt about my teeth falling out, I'd go and buy a book on dream interpretation. And I don't even believe in dream interpretation!

Last night's dream was impressive - an all-singing, all-dancing parade of classic dream symbolism. Alongside the falling-out teeth (two molars, which when returned to their sockets and kept under pressure, did stay in eventually), there was me in a nightie in a public place; friends who were oblivious to my presence and dressed in significant clothing (best friend from primary school in her wedding dress!); me digging through a box containing every pair of jeans I've ever owned, and trying to find my current ones; and a few other things from the early part of the dream that have now slipped my mind but that also made me wake up wondering what they meant.

There are two obvious interpretations: one, that it's a dream about change and fear of it, brought on by the imminent start of term; two, that it's my subconscious trying it on and waving every symbol it can think of in my face. :)

Some of it may have been brought on by what I did last night. I had to take back the DVDs I got out last week, and decided to get just one out to watch last night. I got out "Stardust", which I've been wanting to watch for a while. S introduced me to it last year, and after we watched it together he suggested that we use the end credits song for our wedding song. I loved movie, song and suggestion, and it became "our" song.

(Of course, I then bought it on iTunes so I could listen to it, occasioning a typically critical comment from S: "why did you do that? Now you'll listen to it over and over and get sick of it, and we won't be able to use it after all". There was, you understand, no precedent whatsoever for this comment. Git.)

So anyway, I watched Stardust. I wanted to see it without the filter of S's presence. I loved it still - funny, clever, great themes, etc - and even managed to sit through the song at the end, although part of me wanted to switch it off and make it go away. I didn't feel angry with S exactly (more frustrated with myself for having put up with so much crap) but I did feel sad and lonesome, somewhat aided and abetted by the two jewellery catalogues that came in the post yesterday, one containing a ring that was slightly similar to the ring that S had bought for me.

I guess after that it's not really surprising that I had bizarre dreams!

More On That . . .

The author of Getting Past Your Past talks about "D-BOM" moments. The name comes from the saying "dawn breaking over Marblehead", which is from Massachusetts apparently and, in my own words, means 'finally realising something you immediately realise that should have known already'. The GPYP method of recovery leads to many of these. And in relation to the housemate business, I've had one.

If looking after myself and doing the right thing by myself means letting someone down, then that's OKAY.

Especially if it's someone so utterly unrelated as a potential housemate I've only just met!

The unhealthy me of even a few months ago would have agonised over the decision and probably ended up going through with the house-sharing arrangement because I would not have been able to stand the idea that I was letting this person down. I would have said "but I SAID I would . . . I SAID so . . ." and let fear of others' disappointment or disapproval rule my decision-making process. I would have quailed at the idea of backing out, and convinced myself that it was best to leap in head first and take this opportunity, rather than waiting for the right opportunity to come along. Hell, I've done it enough times with relationships!

But the me of today thought, what does it matter? He's just some guy who's looking for a housemate. He'll find another one. I am under no obligation to him, the universe or anyone else to go live in a suburb I hate in the wrong part of town and make myself miserable for a year, just because some guy might think I'm a cow for changing my mind.

In fact, I realised he's welcome to think I'm a cow for changing my mind. He can even call me one, if it helps. It doesn't make my decision any less right! If he did react that way, his negative emotions would be about him and his needs, not about me and mine. Not my problem.

I have the right to put my needs first!

D-BOM!

Ha!

Christine 1, Bananaheads 0.

On Saturday I had a meeting with a guy who is also trying to set up a share house. We got along alright and it seemed to be viable, so I gave a tentative answer of "yes, start looking and we'll go from there". But on the 2 hour drive home I started critically analysing the guy's actions and words and how they compared, and I realised that he was not as great as he was making himself out to be. When I looked back over the conversation, he talked over the top of me repeatedly, and I had to keep repeating myself because he wasn't actually listening when I was speaking. He was only interested in one suburb (the one adjacent to his work) and wanted all his own stuff in the house ("just sell yours!" - no thanks, I like my stuff). He also wanted to just lie about my having a cat on the rental application, which I was in no way okay with.

When I got home I found an email from another house seeker who is actually looking in the area I want to live (she works a couple of suburbs away from me) which reminded me that there are other options out there. So I sent the guy an email explaining that the suburb he wanted was too far away, and also not really my sort of suburb, because I was a hills girl and wanted somewhere in a natural setting, rather than sterile newly-established suburbia which is where he is looking.

Well, I just got a response, suggesting a place much closer to where I want to live. Okay, but it's a 3x2 apartment that would be WAY too expensive for two people, and with three or more it would be way too crowded (I had said I needed two small rooms or one big one); it'd be totally unsuitable for a cat, and even more sterile and prissy than the suburb we were originally looking at. Way to miss the point! For an added bonus, he also called me Christy instead of Christine. *headdesk*

Not going there. NEXT!

LOL People

I found out a short while ago that some people I know online - people I respected online - have been publicly and complicitly bitching on their blogs about a whole lot of people on the website we frequent. I was amongst those being called names by these people.

I have done a huge amount of emotional growth this year, and changed a great deal, so it was interesting to observe the way I reacted to this. My first reaction resembled the old me, who was so riddled with insecurity that any external challenge to my self-belief had to be exterminated with extreme prejudice (misuse of phrase intentional! ). I wanted to go roaring in there and blast them.

But then the new me took over, and gently pointed out: "Why bother?".

And that's the end of it, really. Why bother? I can't control their reactions, their emotions, their beliefs. If they're so heavily invested that the naming tastes and interactions of internet acquaintances require such vitriol, that's their loss. I've been there and done that, and I know how bad it was for me, and what a negative headspace I was in until I kicked the habit of behaving like that. I occasionally slip up - as do we all! - but I no longer let fury at others define me. And I like it this way.

I am living healthily in mind, body and soul, and I do not let my past define, control or delude me. I know who I am, and I no longer have any need for this . . .



In other news, thank goodness it's the weekend. I'm EXHAUSTED. Four teaching days left . . .

ADDING: Lol again. I just found an entry by one of the above bloggers where this person bitched about a thread I'd started asking people what their favourite cat colouring was. This blogger compared my question to asking whether a boy or girl baby would be better (yeah because people totally choose that) and generally went on about how pathetic it was. I'm giggling madly over here. I haven't ever heard of anyone choosing a cat based on anything other than its appearance, whether they've gone for a particular breed or a particular colour of moggie. Honestly, if you're going to bitch about someone, at least choose something logical!

What would we do without nutty people to laugh at . . .

Limbo

When my DVD player is left on pause or a menu screen for more than a couple of minutes, the picture disappears and is replaced with a simple screensaver: the logo of the DVD player brand in an oval that slowly moves across the screen, "bounces" off the "side" of the screen, moves off in a new direction, "bounces" again etc.

That is what my mind is like at the moment, and I'm having trouble shaking it long enough to do anything useful, even things that absolutely critically must be done by tomorrow.

The three "sides" are the three options I listed the other day.

Option 1: The principal isn't offered a position elsewhere and retains her position at our school, and I don't get a job elsewhere. This will be HIDEOUS. The woman has it in for me now because she knows that I know that she isn't doing her job properly. The mere thought of it makes me feel sick, and that's without even considering the fact that I'll also still be putting up with this particular set of idiotic parents and ratbag kids as well.

Option 2: The principal gets a job somewhere else and/or is refused the continuation of her job at our school, and I don't manage to get a job elsewhere and am therefore stuck at the school for the time being. This is an unknown quantity. I have no doubt that one of this principal's outgoing acts as principal would be to badmouth everyone who has ever had a negative word to say about her, staff and parents and kids alike (and I will by no means be the only staff member on her hit-list!). However any decent principal would take that kind of thing with a grain of salt and get to know everyone for themselves. So it could be awful or it could be fine. I'd still be stuck with the other issues with this school and this town.

Option 3: I get a job elsewhere and go. I can't get a job anywhere else in the state system (staffing were like "oh well it's better for the school to have stability so we will probably just ignore any application or take away your ability to get permanency if you did move, which you couldn't because we wouldn't move you . . ." - I fail to see how sending staff members crazy because they're in a placement they hate benefits the system!). I'm applying for everything eligible that comes up in the private sector. There's one job at a Montessori school which I want so much it hurts, and I'm just trying not to think about it because I can't afford to get my hopes up. This is obviously my preferred option.

So basically I'm sitting here switching my mind between the three options, going "that is unbearable and likely - that could happen but I don't know when we'll find out - I want this so badly but can't do anything more to help it along". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

AAAARGH

Learning

In past relationships, one of the major problems I have had is that my lack of assertiveness and self-belief has meant that I failed to put appropriate boundaries in place. And because I didn't have good boundaries I kept winding up with guys who wanted (consciously or unconsciously) a girlfriend whose lack of boundaries meant that they could put all of their problems, and responsibility for their emotions, onto someone else. When I think of the times that S used to get himself so worked up over me "upsetting" him that he'd throw up . . . I should have just told him that it was his problem not mine! I tried to once but I was too scared of a breakup at that point. I know now that if a guy breaks up with you because you're setting appropriate boundaries, you didn't want to be with him anyway.

So, anyway . . . back when S and I broke up, I joined a Facebook group for singles in my area. I think it was more to remind myself that there were lots of singles out there, than because I wanted to meet someone; and I'd almost forgotten about it.

On Thursday, a guy messaged me from the singles group saying he'd seen my profile on there and thought I sounded nice and interesting. I looked at his profile and he clearly had done more than look at my photo because we did have quite a lot in common, and he sounded quite nice too. I sent him a message back talking a bit about our shared interests and saying that yes, I'd like to chat sometime. I also discovered that we have one real-life friend in common, so I've sent her a message to find out about him :-D

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at the computer with Facebook open when a message popped up from this guy (we will call him D). We started to chat a bit - just about general "how's life" stuff - and then the phone rang. It was Mum, needing to sort out various logistics. When I got back to the computer, I found he'd sent a couple more question messages ("written anything lately?" was one of them) then gone offline. I immediately sent him a message saying something like "oops sorry I disappeared, the phone rang and I had to take it, I'll be back online later :-)". For a few seconds, I started to feel really awful - what if he was angry / worrying / going to be narky and resentful? And then I said STOP. Firstly, his emotions are not my problem. Secondly, if he was any of those things towards a girl he'd just started chatting to, and couldn't accept that sometimes people just have circumstances that interrupt a conversation, then I wouldn't want to be friends with him anyway, let alone take things further one day. I know how past boyfriends would have reacted to that - sulking sarcastic sneering snapping selfishness! I don't WANT any more of those, so who cares how he reacts? If it's the wrong reaction I'll just say goodbye and forget about it.

And, lo and behold . . . this morning I found a message from him basically saying "no worries, I had to go out anyway" and then moving straight on to chatter about other interests.

Healthy-minded people attract other healthy-minded people. Have I finally attracted one? And does it work even if I'm not being actively healthy where he can see me? It doesn't seem to make sense, but perhaps I'm radiating that health in ways I don't understand . . . even on the internet.

Security vs Happiness

There are a number of things that could happen from here.

1. I stay here, and so does the principal, and I have a horrible couple of years until I can get a transfer somewhere else.

2. I stay here and the principal moves on, and things improve or don't but either way I'm not dealing with her.

3. I get a job in the private sector and leave this stupid town and the cow of a principal behind entirely.

Now, all three of those are conditional on other people - on the education department's handling of the principal and on other schools considering me for a job. But the last has the advantage that - even if it doesn't come through and I'm only actively seeking it - I'm not passive.

I realised today that I HATE the public school system. I hate the rigidity and the meanness and the impersonality and the bureaucracy and the whole package. I hate what it does to the kids, and I hate what it's doing to ME. I do not like the person I am becoming as a teacher, and that worries me. The system is still so punitive and negative and them-against-us that I'm starting to buy into it, starting to accept the lies about children and childhood that feed the machine. NO!!!!! That is not what I want out of life and not what I expect from myself. I really feel that I want to get out of the public system entirely.

I just submitted an application to teach at a Montessori school in the suburb nextdoor to where Mum lives - back in my beloved hills. There's two more positions to apply for, at a protestant Christian school two suburbs from where Mum lives. And a few at Catholic schools in the south-west. I'm going to apply and apply and apply until I get something outside of the state system, no matter what. Whether it's in the city or the country, whether it's Catholic or Protestant or Steiner or Montessori or simply Alternative, I want to be out of the impersonal machine and into the world that believes that children are the REASON for what we do, not an impediment to it!

I'm feeling empowered right now. I'm not sitting back and letting stuff happen to me, but going out and looking for a better future. Yay for me.

This may mean being pinched financially, having a more demanding landlord, more house moves and many other things over the coming years. But miserable security is not living.

Hatehatehatehatehateit

I'm at home on stress leave today and tomorrow, and I'm scared and angry and miserable.

Last Friday, one of my students king-hit another student while I had my back turned for a moment. I took both boys straight to the principal, told her what had happened and asked her to deal with it. Her way of "dealing" with it was to get both boys' sides of the story, then keep the offending boy in in-school suspension for a couple of hours before sending him back to me at 2pm. He wreaked complete havoc on my lesson, stirring up two other boys and causing my entire afternoon to go all to hell.

I was angry enough over this when I got in on Monday, and then I found that the principal wasn't going to be there on Monday and hadn't left any instructions or requirements for the offending boy. I resorted to the standard punishment - sitting on the bench rather than playing at recess and lunchtime. He refused to comply. Then at lunchtime three of my good girls were found out of bounds riding another child's scooter through the gardens and destroying a small tree; students who were supposed to be doing rubbish duty as a consequence for rudeness refused to comply; and at the end of lunch four boys refused to come down from the top of the play equipment having spent lunchtime throwing stuff on the top of the equipment's shade-cloth. They just laughed at all four of the staff members who told them to come down! When they did finally come down we got the mother of the worst boy (the one who hit the other child) to come and get him. I tried to get on with my lessons in the afternoon but a couple of the kids had realised that there was no higher authority in the school and no one was actually facing any major consequences (this has been a problem for a while because the principal just refuses to impose any higher-level consequences). and proceeded to riot. I got on with things as best I could before asking for help, and when the other teacher took them to buddy class I could hear her screaming at them from two classrooms away!

By the end of the day I was a crying nervous wreck and told the registrar I wasn't coming in today. I've been to the doctor today and cried at her, and I've got a certificate for today and tomorrow. My stomach is all in knots and I can't breathe properly and I'm feeling sick and strained and awful, not the least because I have to see the principal for a meeting at 8am on Thursday. I know I need to be assertive and firm and somehow MAKE her realise that while my handling of the problems might not have been the best - it is my first year of teaching after all - the heart of the problem is that she won't back us up or impose any serious consequences herself. I need to let her understand my feelings of being unsupported and out of options while not putting her on the defensive, and I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

I hate this!

I'm currently doing the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better: applying for positions in private schools. I've found three to positions to apply for and I'm going to look for more. If this principal isn't around next year it won't be so bad, but on the off-chance she will be here I don't want to be. I've had enough.

Working it Out

Part of GPYP's programme of getting mentally healthy is to grieve for and let go of all of your unfinished business by following letting go rituals (the old 'write a letter and burn it' thing). My unfinished business is about three key issues, but dozens of people. So writing letters to all of them isn't really a functional way of dealing with this. Instead I've started a file on my computer titled "I Should Have Told You.doc". One of the three issues is the fact that I was the 'coper' in my family, the one who kept quiet about her needs as much as possible because others were clearly more important and their needs more significant. So, as they come to mind, I am writing down every significant thing that I should have told the people who helped build and reinforce my feelings of insignificance and inadequacy, either inadvertently or deliberately.

The first is, of course, about S, because I can get that over with quickly. I should have told him that his controlling behaviour was totally unacceptable - even if it meant that he broke up with me. I'm sure there'll be others about him and my other exes that will come out. But I'm just writing down whatever comes into my head. Family, friends, ex-friends, exes, anyone.

I'm going to do this for a couple of months until I feel that I've got in there all of those needs or defiances I never uttered. Then I'll print it out (probably in a significantly fancy font on heavy paper) and burn it. Not quite sure how I'm going to burn it in summer when there's a total fire ban, but still. I'll find a way, or wait until next winter! But those things are going to be gone. I'm going to say them, then burn them, and move on.

Hmm

Yesterday was S's birthday. I didn't even realise until towards the end of the day, when I'd written the date several times in succession and noticed that the date (7/11) was the opposite of my brother's (11/7), and then remembered that S's had been the opposite of my brother's (which is just weird as they have the same first name lol). I briefly wondered whether S had expected me to contact him on his birthday, and whether he was surprised that I hadn't contacted him then or at any other time since I got my stuff back. I didn't really need to know, I just vaguely wondered.

Then I got on to thinking about something that happened before S's birthday last year. We'd been out on two successful dates, one to the movies and one to the zoo, on two successive weekends. Then S phoned me up on the Monday or Tuesday and asked if I could go out with him during the day on the Thursday. I was studying and I had to work in the evening, so I said I wasn't sure. He took on a funny hurt tone and said that it was "really important to him". I was a bit taken aback, thought for a moment and remembered that he'd mentioned his birthday at some point. I remembered that it was November but hadn't remembered the exact date he'd given. I guessed that it must be his birthday, and said "oh, it's your birthday, isn't it?". His response was an ever-so-slightly sarcastic "Yay! You remembered!".

A nice, decent, good guy would have phoned up and said "Hey Christine, it's my birthday on Thursday and I'd really love to spend some time with you - are you free?". Conversely, a nice, decent, good guy would not have used his upcoming birthday as a passive-aggressive TRAP to check how much his new girlfriend had remembered about him after two dates.

That, right there, should have been a GREAT BIG RED FLAG. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable and taken aback that he would be sarcastic because I'd forgotten a date he'd probably only mentioned once. And I can see now that his backwards way of finding out whether I remembered, and the fact that he was already trying to set me up to fail at being perfect, should have been a warning to get out immediately.

Something else to look out for in the future!

Quick Quote

"if he really wanted me and our relationship, I wouldn’t need to be a detective to figure it out."

From a poster named Stronger on the GPYP comments.

This is so applicable to S and I that I yelped when I read it. Those five weeks of crazy-making were stupid and unfair. He should have had the balls to come out and tell me one way or another right from the start, instead of leading me in that crazy dance of withdrawal and denial and hysterics because he didn't have the guts to say what needed to be said. And I should have realised that if he wanted me in his life I would be in no doubt about it.

Another lesson learned . . .

Changing Hurts.

Growing pains of the soul and mind are no less painful than those of the body.

At the moment I'm digging deep into my childhood, doing the work I need to do to understand why I get pulled into negative relationships time and time again. Part of the answer is the straightforward issue of being an Aspie growing up in a neurotypical word which has given me a desperate need to belong, to be normal, to be seen as fitting in. Sticking with bananaheads because being in a grown-up relationship made me one of the "real people" is part of my problem.

But the more painful issue is one of sibling dynamics. Throughout my childhood, my brother was the one who acted up and acted out. Not that he had no reason - diagnosed with ADHD and undiagnosed with Aspergers, he didn't exactly have it easy. But his problems were so visible. He got into trouble, he had manic episodes, he broke windows, he had to change schools so many times because the staff were running out of patience with his issues. Not all the time - not every day - but he was certainly a high-maintenance child.

I was the opposite. I never acted out, and when my problems did bubble to the surface, they came in the form of hysterics and inconsolable tears. I was a withdrawn, introverted child, the polar opposite of my brother. My problems were no less severe - diagnosed ADD and undiagnosed Aspergers - but I was no trouble. My brother received the lion's share of everyone's attention, because he had to. He needed it, for sure. But I needed it too . . . and never got it. That is the great unmet need of my childhood - for someone to look past the fact that my brother was loud and I was quiet, and realise that I needed help too.

Time and time again, when my brother worked himself up into a state and started acting out, my parents would rescue him - new school, new counsellor, new hobby etc. For years and years and years I waited for my parents to rescue me too. I just knew that sooner or later they would realise just how much pain I was in, how much I was struggling at school, and pull me out, find me a school that would work for me. It never happened . . . because they never knew. And I never asked for help. How could I ask, when my brother so clearly needed their attention more than I?

One effect of this dynamic is relatively easy to deal with: I need to learn to acknowledge my own needs, recognise them as valid, and be prepared to stand up for them. Another effect . . . not so easy. I have to ask myself: do I get into these relationships where I am still suffering and still living out that silently-going-crazy coping role because I am still waiting to be rescued? Is the part of me that puts up with these relationships that same little girl who waited all those years for someone to notice the pain? Am I unable to say no to crazy-making situations because it's my way of giving the universe / my peers / my parents / others one last chance to do what I needed them to do all those years ago?

I have to put that pain to bed forever before I can let someone into my life. I need to make peace with the fact that child-Christine and teen-Christine are never going to be rescued. I have to learn to live with how it was, not how it should have been.

I haven't the faintest idea where to start, but I'll get there somehow.

I'm watching "The Holiday" this evening and want to share this quote:

Iris: "I wanted to get away from one guy, an ex-boyfriend who just got engaged and forgot to tell me."
Arthur: "So, he’s a schmuck."
Iris: "As a matter of fact he is a huge schmuck . . . how did you know?"
Arthur: "He let you go. This is not a hard one to figure out."

EXACTLY.

Setting it Straight

I have mentioned before the wonderful blog Getting Past Your Past, an incredibly empowering resource for people who are grieving over their break-up and are ready to question why it went wrong and what they can do to end up in a good relationship next time. The site advocates using a tool called the "Relationship Inventory" to take stock of what went wrong and right in your last relationship, and what that meant in terms of your own satisfaction. Some of the questions are hard to answer, because they ask you to question your own beliefs and understandings. But when you finish, it feels good. Oh, so good.

These are some of the things I’ve discovered so far.

1. S was controlling, manipulative, jealous, passive-aggressive, inflexible and enormously self-centred.

2. I ignored S’s behaviour because I was busy being the ‘good’ girlfriend and enabling S’s behaviour because giving in to him meant that I was not being a brat.

3. This was an issue for me because I have struggled against a tendency to a volatile temper. I had formerly adopted crazy-making habits and was determined to defeat them, to the point where I failed to maintain basic standards about how I could be treated.

4. I also ignored S’s increasingly crazy-making behaviour because I did not have the self-confidence to admit that I could see that it was going wrong.

5. This was a self-confidence issue for me because I felt that being in a proper adult relationship was a validation of my own status as a genuine adult, meant that I was ‘keeping up’ with my partnered friends and cousins. These are two issues I have struggled with. By backing out of the relationship I would be going back to the ‘single and failing at life’ tag I’d ascribed to myself.

6. I have self-esteem issues for a number of reasons going right back to the first few years of school. One is the simple fact that having an Aspergers brain means that I have felt different, substandard and confused for much of my life. Another is my role of silent child / ‘the one who copes’ in my family structure. The latter has resulted in my aversion towards asking for help and a habit of belittling my own needs because, as a child, my needs were never as great as those of my brother. I have also developed the habit of belittling my achievements, because what I achieved in spite of my minor needs were never as impressive as what others (ie my brother) achieved in the face of his greater needs. This is a false perception, and a belief not shared by other people, who see my achievements independently to others’ and are really very proud of me.

7. In most of my relationships, I have repeated the pattern of accepting what I should not accept, because I lacked the self-confidence to draw the line at the risk of losing the relationship. In these situations I was clinging to the validation that being in any relationship provided, and doubted my own ability to distinguish between acceptable friction and unacceptable behaviour. I broke up with B because of his denigrating behaviour, then reneged and had to find it out again in the repeat relationship. I took it from E until my walk-over-ness drove him away. I caught it in time with N. With C, I allowed actual abuse to drag on for a year before finally refusing to accept it any longer, precipitating the breakup. D drove himself away by buying into his own crazy-making manipulation, but I had realised that the relationship was going to end because of it. With S, I pretended that I could accept and deal with the treatment I was receiving, and although I still have no idea exactly what precipitated the breakup on S’s part, the way he was treating me was appalling and I should not have been allowing it.

8. The key for me to have successful relationships in the future is to develop an unassailable feeling of self-worth, and to be absolutely clear with myself about what I will and will not accept from others. To do this I will need to unpack every layer of my self-doubt, address every false perception, reject every unwarranted label, and replace the falsehoods with positive truths that will support my belief that I deserve only the best treatment from only the best people. Then, and only then, will I be ready for another relationship.



So there it is. I have a LOT of work ahead of me. I don’t know how long it will take, and for some parts I don’t even know how I will achieve it. But I’m going to get there. No more crazy-making, no more doubt. I’m going to get to the bottom of this.