Lonesome

This weekend, my wife and I were invited to the birthday celebrations of an old friend of hers, up in Scotland. We could only afford for one of us to go, so I encouraged her to book flights and get on up there and have fun. I've actually been looking forward to it: the munchkin is away too, so I am getting my first 100% solo weekend since E and I first got serious, and my first nights alone in a bed since we moved in together in September 2011.

I won't say I haven't enjoyed some solo time, because I have. I've watched things that E won't watch with me (LotR, yay!) and got a heap of stuff done around the house that is just easier with no one else underfoot. Plus, loooong uninterrupted bath, exercising with no one around to see, and so on. A break from people is good.

But now I'm starting to feel a little lonely, and more significantly, I'm channelling the deep, disturbing loneliness of so many solitary hours in my 20s.

I get what I call 'location flashbacks' all the time. There is usually no rhyme or reason to these: as in, I'll be fishing my travel card out of my purse and suddenly an image of the intersection of Roe Highway and Kalamunda Road will pop into my head. These images never make any sense or have any discernible trigger, so I generally ignore them.

Today, however, all of the images have been of my house in Goomalling or my flat in Sydney. The two places where I spent the longest, loneliest hours of my life so far. The two had a lot in common: removed from my family and existing friends, struggling to make new friends in a new place, very uncertain about myself and my life.

In both of those places, I was surrounded by silence. I remember it well... long empty day after long empty day. I pottered about, frittering away time, lost in my depression and confusion and ennui and need. I told myself I enjoyed the quiet, that I could never stand living with a housemate, but in the end it was a comforting lie. I did not like being alone, and it was not good for me.

I've learned a lot since then - about myself, about how to make friends, about how to meet my own needs and not fear them. But for some reason today's empty, silent house has really thrown me.

It's a good reminder, I think. Even though the two members of my little family, with all their quirks, may sometimes drive me to long for silence... I don't really want it. Not a return to the long, empty solitude and the deep sadness that went with it. My life now is full, happy and satisfying, and I'm very grateful for that. The years of loneliness are gone, and I don't need to fear them any more.

Typing all this out has helped me process what I've been feeling this evening, and I'm not feeling maudlin and desperate like I was at the beginning. But I'm posting it nonetheless... to remind me why people are a good thing!

Coming up for air.

Sometimes we get a wake-up call in our life.

Since January, I have been working in a school that demands extremely high levels of planning paperwork, which undergo constant monitoring. The workload is demanding, the management style highly critical and perfection-oriented, and 100% commitment is expected.

And I've been giving it, more than I ever have before.

I've been working 9, 10, 11 hour days and more. Plus hours upon hours on weekends to do the stuff I just can't fit in during the week. I've dropped out of a sport I loved because I had no energy for it, stayed in when I needed fresh air, given up opportunities for socialising, sacrificed sleep, dropped the housework ball more times than I can count, grouched at my family, and felt like an escapee whenever I found five minutes in which to pursue my own interests. My life these past few months has been a work-induced blur.

I thought it was the right thing to do, because this job was important. It was my key to ongoing employment: getting it right, showing my commitment, being the best I could be might lead to a permanent contract, and thus stability and financial security.

So, last week it came to crunch time. I interviewed for my own position along with potentially 1-2 more positions in Key Stage One. My lesson was good. My data analysis task was rated excellent. My panel interview went as smoothly as you could hope. I know the kids, I know how the school works, I have the knowledge and experience to make this work.

But they said there was someone better. I will not be needed next year.

Oh no, feel free, I'll just stand here while you punch me in the gut.

I got the call very late at night, and my deputy head - who had said that she wanted me in the job - sounded as gutted as I was. But that's as may be. I went quickly through the stages of grief: only a little denial before anger set in, barely a moment for bargaining before I hit a huge pile of depression. But after a good night's sleep and the first few conversations in the morning, I'd made it to acceptance.

Thursday and Friday were hard. In fact, they sucked. People were either shocked, or consoling, or avoided me. I was disconnected, suffering resurgence of the cricked neck that had plagued me earlier in the week, and feeling rejected and wistful and exhausted.

On the weekend, my body asserted itself, and gave me a sore throat and lost voice: the one complaint that can truly keep me home from work. Go, body. Today (Monday) was spent largely in bed.

The upshot of all this is that it's time to take stock. I've allowed myself to be overcome by this school's demands, which are far in excess of any other school I've taught in, and do not necessarily serve the needs of the pupils any better than systems at other (often much better) schools in which I've taught. There's only so much I can do to reel it in - as long as I'm there and needing a reference when I leave, most of their demands have to be met - but I'm going to try.

I'm going to leave early enough to see full daylight every day.
I'm going to source plans where I can and quit re-inventing the wheel.
I'm going to make sure I have the energy to go to gymnastics.
I'm going to get home early enough to have some alone time every day.
I'm going to use that time to do things for me.

and...

I'm going to start working towards what I really want in life - which is not to be a slave to an education system that lets down its staff as much as its pupils. I have some dreams and some half-formed plans, and I'm going to do at least one thing every day that is a step on the road to getting there. I got out of mainstream education once, and fell back into it... time to look at getting out again.

Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

400th Post :)

I've got a lot done today, more than I expected, and I'm feeling quite successful. I tidied my bedroom, swept and mopped most of the floors, did three loads of washing, made my rest-of-the-week lunch casserole, cleared all the 'stuff' out of my car, detailed the inside and washed the outside, and started my uni work for the semester, successfully writing two programs in C (my first ever code!! YAY!).

I'm a bit tired and sore but so pleased with the amount I've got done. And I'm excited about getting the laptop - I've been trying to use my PC the last few days, and its internet connection has become extremely unreliable and it's soooo slow, and the screen tracking has become really laggy and awful. Mum was horrified when I told her how little RAM it's got (only 736 MB, and that's AFTER having scraped together extra for it a few years ago o_O). It's a five year old machine that's been tinkered with to give it a bit of extra life, but it's nearly at the end of it's usefulness. I'll sell the screen (it's a flatscreen so it should be saleable) and give the tower to the "8 Ball" programme at uni, which donates computers to financially disadvantaged students. It's fine for basic word processing for someone who can't afford anything else and is desperate! It's certainly a thousand times better than the one I had in first-year uni lol. But I need something faster now. I'm thinking of a Toshiba Satellite L300 at the moment, pending reviews and advice!

I picked up my ring today :)

It's so pretty and sparkly! Simple and subtle but lovely. I'm very happy with it and glad that I bought it.

I've had a few off days this week - I've been working through some grief issues that resurfaced around reminders of Aspergers and relationship issues. Nothing too dramatic but it cost me half a night's sleep on Sunday night. I'm still a bit mind-numbed from that bad night.

I finally managed to get my Murdoch password issues sorted today, and I'm officially enrolled in two units! *squee* I'm taking Introduction to Creative Arts and Introduction to Computer Science this semester. I'm expecting the latter to be a breeze (first-year level arts unit? Psh!) but the CS unit will be a huge challenge. I'm looking forward to it though! I just hope my computer stands up to the software lol.

School is going fine, and yesterday the ICT teacher (who is a guy in his 40s or 50s) told me that he was really impressed by how I handle the kids at the swimming pool when we take them to their swimming lessons. I was really touched, because the compliment was given in private and he has nothing to gain by 'cultivating' me so it was a genuine compliment that he went to the effort to pay. It means a lot, especially given how many bitchy and negative people have participated in my development as a teacher so far! The kids are very frustrating at the moment - the swimming lessons wear them out and the heat is getting to them, so they're ratty and bratty and whingy. The boys also all seem to be going through a stage where they want to be able to dish out insults and so on as 'joking around', but can't take it in their turn, so we're constantly having kids complaining that someone else called them a name, right after we've heard them call the other child a name first! It's driving my co-teacher and I up the wall.

Very tired today, early night for me!

Making Plans

I'm still working through those boxes, throwing away amazing amounts of stuff as I go. Whole piles of the stuff. Undergrad lecture notes from 10 years ago - I don't care how many funny apropos elephants I drew in the margins. Goodbye! Et cetera.

In between times I'm procrastinating on the internet and looking at various things I want to join or do after I move.

I've found the church I want to get involved with, a very active and progressive Anglican parish with its base in an adjacent suburb. Closely involved with that church, and located in its buildings, is a choir I want to join. The choir practises will take care of my Wednesday evenings rather nicely, and worship is at the very civilised time of 9:30am on Sundays.

The concert band I want to join rehearses in the city on Tuesday evenings, so that will be my once-a-week trek out of my normal area! That will be my flute outlet.

There are two local swimming pools, one in the same suburb as work and one in the suburb adjacent to my house. The former is an open-air one that is only open in the warmer months, and only has one swimming lane open when I'd like to be there, so I will probably go to the latter, which is indoor and has more room for laps. I'm aiming to stop and swim for half an hour on the way home from school on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It won't take long out of my day to slip into bathers, go for a swim, fling on some dry clothes, drive home and then shower and do my hair and stuff. So it should work pretty well.

So my week will look like this:

Monday - School 8am-5pm, swimming
Tuesday - School 8am-5pm, concert band 7:30pm
Wednesday - School 8am-5pm, swimming, choir 7:00pm
Thursday - School 8am-5pm
Friday - School 8am-5pm, swimming
Saturday - NOTHING! (well probably grocery shopping lol)
Sunday - Church 9:30am

On the days when I don't swim I'll probably aim to go for an evening walk at least, but I know that once I'm teaching again my feet will be very sore in the evenings and walking may not be a possibility (hence the swimming).

I'm really looking forward to all of this!

. . . and K-Mart has 30% off womens' swimwear if I try on my swimsuit and find that it's too big. Of course they do o_O

Guilt, Lack of . . .

It's amazing what can happen when one takes guilt and self-negativity out of one's life.

Since New Year's Day I've allowed myself a period of complete time off. No housework except the minimum necessary to keep the house from descending into total slobbery; no have-to-do lists; no exercise if I felt it was too hot; no fussing about preening and looking gorgeous if I was staying home and just felt like vegging, etc. And most importantly, absolutely no guilt or self-criticism permitted over any of my relaxation time. No harassing myself over what I was or wasn't doing. Complete emotional time off.

Well. That worked rather differently to expected.

After only a couple of days of chilling out and feeling utterly guiltless about it, I felt like doing some of the things that actually needed to be done, like phone calls about my house move and so on. And I found I didn't want to slouch around the house in old clothes - in fact I've delighted in keeping my hair shiny and freshly-washed, and in wearing clothes that look and feel good. And after a week - ie today - I started wanting to do the housework, wanting to get some exercise (I've just come back from a half-hour walk around town) and wanting to do everything that needs to be done.

Guilt from outside is a great de-motivator. Nothing is more off-putting than feeling like someone is oppressing you into doing something. But it can work that way from the inside out, too. Once I stopped harassing myself, I found that I could actually handle these things with equanimity. . . I even found myself annoyed because I'd run out of dish-washing detergent and couldn't do the dishes, rather than seeing it as a wonderful excuse. Who would've thought?

A little request and so on . . .

First up, if you're a praying sort of person, please spare a moment for the people injured in this crash. On my way back from Perth this afternoon I came across this accident only minutes after it happened. There were already about eight cars parked on either side, and a big truck wanting to get past, so I didn't stop but instead turned around and took back streets past the scene. I felt a bit silly for having gone around and thought it would probably have cleared by then anyway, but as I headed towards Northam I was passed by two ambulances, two marked police cars, one unmarked police car and a fire engine, all with their sirens and lights blazing, heading back towards the accident. As it says in the article, it was actually pretty serious (from what I saw it looked like a head-on). It's 10:30pm now and the radio says the road is still closed (it happened at about 5:30pm). It feels vaguely personal because I was there just after it happened, so if you have a moment, send a thought their way.


I had the job interview today, and I got a really positive vibe from it. The three interviewers nodded regularly at what I was saying, responded well to the things I expected them to relate to, and laughed at my jokes, which is always good! They made certain they had my contact details before I left, which is also good. They have promised to let me know by Friday, so three more days and most of the uncertainty will be gone. I'm extremely happy with how the interview went, so if I don't get it, it will be because someone else was better than me, not because I stuffed up or wasn't good enough, if you know what I mean? They're looking for someone who is strong in the humanities-literacy side and can teach the arts. Hello, me! I'm actually a perfect fit for what they're looking for, and they asked whether I would be willing to teach music across the board (yes yes yes!). I don't know how many other applicants there were, so I can't really say whether I'm confident. I'm just happy with how it went and would be very glad to get the job. I will let you all know!

We had a dinner for our graduating year sevens this evening, attended by only one of the three year sevens! I'm so immensely proud of her, she's our school captain and has just blossomed from being nervous about speaking in public to being a funny and confident speaker. I made a small speech too, and we gave her the year book, and generally ate and enjoyed ourselves lol. A nicely printed version of my speech was in the year book (as a letter), along with the letters for the two girls that weren't there. One of those girls is of course the lass who is being charged with assault, and the principal complimented the way I'd written her letter. I'm glad - it took me *ages* to write a one-page letter for her. What do you say to a 12-year-old in that kind of strife?! I tried to be positive and compassionate and encouraging, but without ignoring the trouble she's in or treating it as the "elephant in the room", and I think it came out well-balanced.

I'm quite exhausted after teaching all morning, driving to Perth, having the interview, driving back to Little Country Town, getting changed yet again and then going out to dinner. Time for bed, I think! Two teaching days left . . .

Survived

I'm worn out, but the party, although small, was wonderful fun and I'm glad I went to the effort after all! The highlight of the night was walking out of town to beyond the street lights to look at the stars.

I'm vegging out today, relaxing and resting and trying to get my head around the last 9 teaching days of the year.

Beyond Tired

I stayed up until 1am last night trying to get my reports done, but didn't manage it because blasted SIS timed out and wiped some of my comments AAARGH. So I got up early, went in early and fixed it all up (and of course the principal decided she wanted them Monday anyway - gah gah gah I knew she would do that but of course I couldn't take the risk that she wouldn't GAAAAAH). So now I'm trying to get the house ready for having people up tomorrow. It was supposed to be a party but since I'm in the country hardly anyone has decided to come so there's only a handful of people coming up. I'm going to love having them here, but it feels so insane to be trying to get my house into order for five to ten guests! I'm trying to stay awake and functioning and keep tidying the house until midnight, then I intend to sleep until 8, get up, do some housework, go to Big Country Town to shop, come back, do more housework and hopefully finish up by the time people arrive (why oh why did I say 1pm . . . yeah it was so people could spend the afternoon then go back to Perth but OMG 1pm hardly any time at all). I'm unbelievably tired and just want to crash out but I have to get some more tidying done first. Once the stayovers leave on Sunday I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day!

Human Dithering

Some self-help websites encourage people to get up and do things. They recommend that you stop sitting around, break out of the apathy and become a "human doing" instead of a human being.

Others recommend that you stop being a "human doing" - especially if all of your frantic activity is to avoid facing up to your issues - and learn to really be a "human being". GPYP calls this "making peace with the peace". It's learning to not need constant activity and fussing and people who make you crazy in order to feel fulfilled.

They're both equally valid points of view, and equally useful.

I think part of the problem I've had with my lifestyle ever since I left home is that I often live in a limbo between "human being" and "human doing". I have in fact been neither . . . I've been a "human dithering". I've spent so much time over the years just doing this and that and passing the time away. I've always called it "relaxing" but it's really not true relaxation, it's busy-but-not-active avoidance.

I want to spend less time as a "human dithering". Lots of the things I'm doing are going towards that (the degree, the choir, etc) but I also want to try to make it an integral part of my everyday life, not an extra-curricular activity. And I'm doing it, slowly but surely. My first conscious effort has been to make sure that I spend 1-2 hours doing stuff around the house every evening, instead of heading straight for the couch and the laptop and "relaxing" on the internet.

(Guess where I am now, and what I'm doing. Oh, the irony.)

This evening I spent two hours in the garden. I potted out ~20 petunia seedlings in pots and hanging baskets on my verandah (I bought 4 punnets of seedlings from a lady at school today, fundraising for the P&C), and likewise 6 tomato plant seedlings. Then I Had An Idea, and fought with a fairly scratchy tree to wind my new set of fairy lights into it. Then I dug a trench for the cord and buried it so I wouldn't trip over it. Then I switched it on, and went another round with the tree while I checked half the globes and replaced the ~5 that weren't working (I KNOW to check the globes before hanging the lights . . . oops). The net result is a whole lot of greenery and a very pretty tree :) And I spent my evening DOING. After I get off the computer and away from the TV, I'm going to commit to spending half an hour BEING.

Not dithering.

And more spiders . . .

I whipper-snippered my front lawn today, because it badly needed trimming. I'm quite proud of myself because it's a hot and tiring job to do but I went ahead and did it. As for the spiders - I had to clean a red-back and its egg sacs off the whipper-snipper, and disturbed a huntsman / wolf spider and some sort of garden spider, with a big triangular silvery body.

I also got the couches for my outdoor area (bought some old couches from a friend who wanted to get rid of them - easy!).

I've put in my uni application and now I just have to wait - I won't know until mid-January.

I'm feeling pretty happy and confident and self-worthy today. I'm getting there!

Decisions

As a result of all the therapy, reading and intensive self-help work I've been doing, I've been making a few decisions lately centring around building my own life and getting on with living it, regardless of what anyone else is doing. One decision I've made as a result is that I'm getting a kitten in December. I want more pets :-) I'm tossing up between a grey tabby or a black and white one. Wait and see what's available at the time, I guess!

The other decision is that I'm going back to uni. Don't panic, though, I'm not giving up teaching lol. For a while now I've been saying that when I'm staying at home with small kids I'll go back to uni externally and do another Bachelors degree part-time. I'd decided to major in creative writing and minor in web computing or theology, depending on my mood! Well, I've come to the realisation that I REALLY want to do that degree for its own sake, not just as an intellectual challenge. I WANT my BA Hons in creative writing, and I WANT to be able to program enough to create webpages and write basic Java applications. Those are things I have identified as personal goals, and to hell with waiting. I have enough free time in my evenings to be doing two external units a semester now.

So, I'm enrolling in an external BA in Creative Arts at Murdoch Uni, to start in February / March next year. I'll probably get advanced standing for the whole of first year, because I've already got three degrees, but I will still need to do several first year units as prerequisites for later units. In the first semester I'll probably take ICT 102 (Intro to Computer Science) and EGL 114 (Intro to Creative Arts). Second semester will be ICT 108 (Intro to Multimedia and the Internet) and EGL 122 (Creative Writing: Text and Practice I).

I'm SO EXCITED!

I don't know how clearly you can see it in this picture, but I'm halfway through cutting down all the grass and weeds in the backyard meadow we jokingly call our "lawn". It's going to be prepared to be turned into lawn this week (*waves at Bec*) so I'm whippersnippering it down to ground level so that it's ready to go.

Had a fun day yesterday . . .

The Monday public holiday (Labor Day, I believe) was just stunning, warm with a light breeze and so sunny. J and I spent half of the day cooperatively spring-cleaning the house, so it now looks great (apart from the backyard, which resembles a sun-swept English meadow that's never seen a sheep ...). It was a very cathartic clean-out and the place feels very good now!

In the afternoon we headed off to the Perth Royal Show (www.perthroyalshow.com.au but don't blame me if it doesn't work, the site is completely overloaded!). We got there at about 4, and spent four-and-a-half hours wandering around the various pavillions, buying showbags and going on various rides, including the 40-metre gravity drop, which is exhilarating and mind-numbingly terrifying all at once. I got a Whiskas Kitten showbag, among others, which has made me all the more excited about getting a kitten in a month or so :-D

We stayed for the fireworks display at 9pm, which was as spectacular as ever, and we counted at least two new colours of fireworks (a pastel aqua or pale blue and a light purple) and a couple of styles we hadn't seen before. Perth's fireworks are the best!

I have a photo of J and I on the Ferris Wheel, but I can't post it from work and it needs lightening up anyway, so I'll put it up later. It's dark at the top of the Ferris Wheel!

Despite my very nice weekend, I'm absolutely wiped today, after a windy - and thus rattly - night; and also after the phone rang, for no apparent reason, at 2:30am. *sigh*