Communication

I had less than 4 hours' sleep last night, so this post may be semi-lucid. We had a friend staying over and good wine, and all temporarily forgot that the kitten and the kiddo were not under any circumstances going to let us sleep past 7am. So turning in at 3am was not smart, and we are zonked.

Anyway.

This is going to be a short post and probably really irritating, because none of the stuff it's actually about can be shared publicly. Suffice to say there's been a lot of Stuff and Feels being passed around branches of my social circle over the past couple of weeks, and some of it had the potential for ~boom~.

What I can and wanted to say was that I'm quite proud of how I've handled all this quite tricky emotional navigation. I've considered my own wants and needs carefully (no easy thing, as longer-term readers of this blog will know... I have a history of being unable to articulate or respect either) and I've expressed them thoughtfully and respectfully. And I've been getting the same in return from others whose Stuff and Feels needed to be clarified and/or negotiated.

So, yay for chosen family (friamily? friendamily? famiends? famends? Shut up, Christine) who know how to string an emotionally charged sentence together without unnecessarily hurting anyone. It rocks.

Feasts, Friends and a New Year...

Last weekend I took my first step into autocrating SCA events, running a Winter Feast at the marvellously-named Place House Hall in Ware, Hertfordshire. It's a medieval hall, small but picturesque inside, and it makes a lovely venue. My best mate A was my feast cook and mentored me through the autocrating process admirably. We had a couple of food stuff-ups along the way, but between the two of us we put an elegant and extensive repast on the table in a fantastic location. I also introduced my Thamesreach Singers group with great pride - we sang six period pieces very competently, to the general approval of the attending populace. It was a great night, and a successful start to event-running for me. Yay :)

Term has been underway for a little over two weeks now. I'm so glad to have my own class again, and I've had compliments from every quarter about how quiet and settled they are under my guidance. I feel competent and confident, quite unlike a lot of my earlier teaching experiences! My class are lovely, and I can have a giggle with them and still get them to work, which is great. I am really enjoying myself, and never go to work feeling any apprehension. What a lovely change from so many past workplaces.

These past few weeks I've been struck with joy and gratitude for the friendships I have. E, of course, first and foremost, who is best friend and lover and everything in between. I had never, ever imagined that a relationship could feel like this! Every day I relish it a little bit more for its marvellous perfection, and each day I'm a little more convinced that trying to be in relationships with men was a big part of what I was getting wrong all these years. Being with E just works.

As well as E, I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by a group of people who know the real me, nothing hidden and nothing to hide. And they love me, and care for me, and look out for me, and appreciate me. And beyond them, a wider group of people who perhaps don't know me as well, but nonetheless care for me greatly and will always be there for me. I had the strange experience before Christmas of walking into a pub where a corner was filled with these people, and seeing every face in the group of about 15 light up as I walked in, just because I was there. How bizarre and heady for someone whose deepest demon is invisibility!  I feel so secure in myself these days, and it shows in the quality of my friendships.

These wonderful relationships stand in stark contrast to the negatives, backhanded positives and subtle undermining I was used to from various family members and a few extinct friendships. Every now and then something of that behaviour will intrude from people from my past, and it's amazing how poisonous it feels when once it was normal. I am finding myself better able to ignore it now ... a few peoples' email addresses have been blocked so that I need only read their communications if I feel like it! And I have learned not to react, and only to respond if absolutely necessary. Poison and misery are not things I choose to engage with these days.

So generally... I'm busy, and happy, and loving my life more with every week that passes. It feels good!

The big three-oh...

Yesterday was my 30th birthday!

I am still kind of reeling at how awesome a day it was. I started out with a long lie-in. As soon as I woke up, good things started to happen. I discovered that 6 incredibly awesome friends had chipped in together to pay for my flights to go and see my best friend H when she's in Vienna over New Years - an incredible surprise as I thought I wasn't going to be able to afford to go! Totally overwhelming :) Then I went up to the parcel office and found that the package waiting for me was not a book I ordered but actually a huge parcel from my family in Perth with gifts and a DVD and other things of win enclosed in it, including the awesome pendant that is my 30th birthday present from Mum - an opal given to me by my grandmother set in white gold. So stunning!

London turned on the warmest December day so far for me, and my wonderful friends A and G showered me with affection and took me out for dinner and cocktails with two of their closest friends, S and E. I'm still not quite sure how it happened but E and I (meeting for the second time) hit it off amazingly and by the middle of today we were thoroughly established as a couple. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, folks!

I am a very happy, bewildered and over-excited 30 year old, proud to be 30, proud to have a girlfriend, so very lucky in my friends and loved ones and lifestyle. It feels glorious.

I think I only had a bare hour or two of sleep last night, so I'm thinking crashing out soon so I can work in the morning would be a very good idea.

What a birthday!

Weekend Away

This past weekend I went to Newmarket, near Cambridge, for the local SCA shire's Yule Ball. I had a great time and was able to wear my brand-new cotehardie, which I've been working on, on and off, since July. It turned out very well and was widely admired. I also managed to spill wine on it, but it wouldn't be me if I didn't. ;) It'll come clean!

The weekend also marked a milestone for me, in that I drove using my newly-minted British licence for the first time, all the way from London to Newmarket and back, in a big hire car, with 4-5 passengers and loads of baggage, over icy streets in parts no less! I was very nervous beforehand, and when we set off from my friends' house for the long evening journey to Newmarket my legs were shaking! But all went well, and I feel moderately confident about driving in London now. Not something I want to do every day, but if it has to be done, I can do it.

I'm the only driver of that group of people, and I have no doubt that I will be doing it again, as we as a group have formed an SCA household. It's been coming for a while, but we had an impromptu meeting in the car on the way home and got our name, charge, badge and motto established and talked a bit about what we want to do as a household. It's a true household of kindred spirits - some are actual kin, others just spiritual kindred. The level of closeness is amazing, and it spins me around that I'm part of it. I have several other friends that close in Australia, people I am completely comfortable and open with, but for sheer amount of time spent together I don't think I have ever been as close to anyone as I am to the couple who are the core of the household. The experience of complete loving-friendship-trust-openness is heady and wondrous. I've craved that kind of connection for a long time, and now that I have it I can't quite believe it. It takes my breath away.

And yet, as always it seems with me, the awareness of that connection leaves me wistful about an even deeper connection that I lack. I have a safer, more complete connection with these friends than I've had in any actual relationship I've been in. In fact these friendships characterise everything my 'love' relationships have not been. My whole dating history is characterised by sad, sour, unsafe, angry, dramatic, unloving, denigrating and ultimately short relationships. (The only former partner with whom I had a good, healthy connection is 14,500km away and may never live in the same city as me again, so although I think the potential for this kind of connection is there, I can't count on it ever being a regular part of my life.) With that one exception, I have never been able to relax and love and trust anyone like I love and trust these friends, and being in their presence, as much as I love it, reminds me of what I've never had.

And it hurts.

I want so badly to find my way to that deeper level of connection. There must be more wonderful, self-loving, accepting, dear, true people in the world! In London, even! But I don't know how to find them, and the odds of them being both free and interested in me seem so minuscule.

I'm still so full of doubt about myself, my identity and where I fit in the world. Finding one place that I fit, one set of hearts with whom I click, throws into stark contrast the emotional chaos surrounding the rest of my life.

Argh, I don't know... I want to just be happy about what I've got but the ache won't go away.

*sigh*

Hmm

In the blog post about bisexuality I revealed something I'd kept secret for a long time: my former attraction to my former best-friend-since-high-school. I noticed today that the girl in question has de-friended me on facebook sometime in the past week or so - I can't quite remember the last time I saw a post of hers, but it wouldn't have been very long ago.

I didn't mention her by name, but if she'd read my blog post she would have been able to identify herself. I was operating on the assumption that she wouldn't read it, because she's gone out of her way to demonstrate how much she doesn't give a damn about me (this has been her attitude for many years, even before our friendship officially blew up). But perhaps she is reading, and did see, and that's why she de-friended me. *shrug*

I'm trying hard not to care. It is triggering my abandonment issues like crazy, and there's some unresolved grief there too, both for the friendship and for the unrequited attraction. I spent years and years hanging around, hoping she would be as into the friendship as I was, not daring even for a minute to admit that what I felt for her was more than friendship. She was often a lousy friend and sometimes treated me as badly as many of my boyfriends, and it hurt all the more because I secretly loved her. A pretty dysfunctional fourteen-year mess!

So I'm a bit hurt and a bit sad, but grateful for the loving people I have around me, and glad that I'm confident and happy enough that I can work through the loss and let everything about that friendship go. My life is here and now, and it's wonderful... and she is not in it. There it ends.

Almost there...

It's two days before the end of term. I've been AWOL for a while, I know... the whompingness of my life has kept me fairly silent as I work through it.

The class I've had have been difficult and generally un-fun, so I've been hating school and wishing desperately that I'd chosen a different career. Again. I'm so burned out that I can't imagine going back to a full-time, classroom teaching position in 5 weeks' time :( I want to do a sideways shuffle into museum education. Just have to find a job! It's been 5 years but I have finally started to miss the heritage sector. So I've got a long stretch of job applications coming up.

Life otherwise has been pretty stable ... sightseeing, running in the park, learning to live with a partner, generally getting on with the business of becoming.

And trying not to fall into my usual pattern of life!

The other thing that has kept me from blogging is a sad mystery. A friend - more than a friend - has suddenly withdrawn from me. She won't answer my messages, won't talk to me in chat programmes, ignores threads in which I've commented, etc. I don't know why, and I don't understand. I'm angry and hurt and don't know what to do about it. I have issues with being abandoned by loved ones, and every fibre of my being wants to flail around madly shrieking and prodding and doing anything I freaking can to get her attention and make her snap out of it. I know that's an unhealthy reaction so I'm sitting on my hands and trying to alternate pretending that I haven't noticed with just not going near her online. Neither is satisfying. There's nothing I can do except grieve and hope that she comes around before I decide that too much damage has been done.

I'm not taking a full 5 weeks' holiday this summer (I need money before that, so I'll have to get work of some sort whether it's ongoing or not!) but I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks' rest, and an SCA trip to Wales as a bonus! It should be a good summer, I hope.

Hugsickness

I've been a little sad and teary the last few days, and I've been struggling to put a label on the feeling.

It's not homesickness, per se - I don't want to be back in Perth and I'm still very glad to be here in gorgeous, amazing London.

It's not exactly missing my friends. I do miss them, but with the wonder of the internet they're barely more than a few clicks away most of the time (though the fact that the majority were offline because they were doing SCA camping together this weekend didn't help!). I don't feel the bonds of friendship loosening or slipping away at all.

What I'm missing is physical contact.

I don't mean that in a sexual/loving way (though I do miss that too, and there's a certain guy and certain girl who know who they are and whose presence I ache for constantly). I just miss the regular, garden variety, warm, comforting hugs of friendship.

I've been utterly spoiled these last few months. So many wonderful close friendships have sprung up, overwhelmed my life and changed it forever. And I miss, so terribly much, the arms of those people around me.

I'm not homesick, just hugsick. :(

This is not an easy one to solve, either. I know that new friendships will grow, and new people with whom I truly click will appear in my life and become huggy friends. But I have absolutely no control over that process. I can't force it or speed it up. So for the moment I just have to ride out the aches and longing and trust that it'll be okay in the end.

And I think it will.

Decisions and Thoughts

It's exactly 4 months today until I leave for London.

I am SO ready to go. There are lots of people and things I'll miss, but the closer the date gets, the more I'm looking forward to the freedom of it. I need to get away from the too-familiar patterns of life. I need to get away from people who constrain me with assumptions and expectations that I should not have to meet. I need to get away from the constant scrutiny and questioning and everything.

In case it's not obvious, I'm feeling a little harassed at the moment! I love my family dearly but sometimes I feel like everything I do is under the microscope, and I'm tired of being constantly cross-examined and/or bullied about choices that are no one's business except mine. I am desperately looking forward to a fresh start and a nice solid distance between me and the people who think they know me.

I will miss them horribly, of course. But it will also be exhilarating.

I took a slightly scary step today and altered my units so I'm double-majoring in Literature and Theology. I wasn't going to do it, because it would interfere with my creative writing minor; but I realised that I couldn't get that minor without doing several internal units, and that's going to be impossible if I'm still in London, or if I'm back in Perth, may or may not be impossible, as I have no idea what I'll be doing! I can do the Lit & Theol double major entirely externally, so I've picked my probable units and worked out a schedule of study. I've decided to push myself this semester while I'm not working full-time, and do three units. Then I'll drop back to two for two semesters before jumping up to 3 again. At that rate I'll finish halfway through 2013.

The Theology major is a source of major (heh) confusion. Part of the reason I decided to go ahead and do it is that I have absolutely no idea why I'm so drawn to it. I just don't know what it is about having a degree in theology that is so irresistible, but it's drawing me towards it and I can't say no. It's absolutely bizarre. I've wanted things, many times; I want the lit degree, for example. But the theology degree wants me. I've never experienced anything like it. I'm so confused. It's not something I've planned or expected or anticipated, but it feels like exactly the right choice.

(I wanted to insert a macro in here with an In Soviet Russia, Degree Gets You caption, but I couldn't find a picture that I liked, so you'll just have to take it as read.)

There's a word in my mind, and writing it or saying it out loud is almost beyond me at the moment, but I can't chase it away. Ordination. There. Ha. Wrote it.

It worries me because it would be so hard to get people to understand why I was doing it. I'm a naturally religious girl in an apathetically agnostic family. How does that even happen? I'm becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that faith is an integral part of my personality, and I'm learning to talk about it without embarrassment. But such a public display of commitment to that faith? Some of my family might never speak to me again. I know that for a fact. Other friends and family might drift away, or never feel comfortable around me again. I would expect to pay an extremely high social price for making that commitment.

And yet, I'm not the slightest bit afraid of it. Just intrigued.

And THAT is scary. I'm scared of my lack of fear. Huh.

... Yes, I did say I was confused.

This is part of the reason why I just need to be away. I can't see or hear what I want to do over the shouting of social expectations. I'm craving the solitude of being a very long way away, so that I can hear myself think and work out where I'm going with this.

In some ways, the 8th of May is the end of the forseeable future for me. I have absolutely no idea what will happen on the other side of it. But I have no doubt it will be exciting and fascinating.

*

In other news, my ebook reader finally arrived today, and I've loaded it up with the complete Sherlock Holmes. Oh, the joys of reading :) *sings*

Happy New . . . Flickr?

Happy New Year!

I made a Flickr account today for the purposes of sharing my more artistic photos. I enjoy photography as a casual hobby and occasionally take really nice shots. I hope you'll browse it and tell me what you think!

My NYE and NYD were lovely laid-back days spent with some great friends. We wrote, photographed, blew bubbles, swam, watched movies, ate junk food, and talked and talked and talked. An auspicious start to the new year.

I can't believe it's 2010. The year I really get started on my second BA. The year I move to London. The year I turn 30. The year I experience a winter Christmas. So many things to come!

I also plan for it to be the year when I am emotionally well for 365 days straight . . . the first of many. Wish me luck!

Birthday Goodness :)

I turned 29 yesterday, and celebrated with a "Not Quite 30th Birthday Party" hehe. I won't be able to have the grand 30th shinding I was planning as I'll be celebrating my 30th in England, so I threw it a year early in a slightly less dramatic format. It was a great evening with lots of fun had by all.

Today I had lunch with various family members on Mum's side and had a nice convivial time.

These are some of the gifts I got:

A turquoise & silver pendant;
A pair of silver & amethyst earrings;
The Lonely Planet: Europe on a Shoestring;
The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel;
A box of Toblerone Tinys;
A bottle of Brown Brothers Tawny Port;
An Australia to UK power point adaptor;
A shiny black passport cover with cute things embroidered in black on it;
A necklace of blue Venetian glass beads;
A £10 note (worth $20 Australian; the start of my first-day-in-the-UK currency collection!);
An unspecified amount donated to World Vision in my name; and
A digital photo frame (major present from Mum, the idea being that I can put up any photo anywhere once I'm in the UK).

I'm also getting a BeBook e-book reader (major present from Dad - can't do without books even when moving continents!) and a silver and amethyst pendant, both of which are still in the post. I'm looking forward to those late birthday presents!

I've had a lovely birthday and I feel very privileged to have such lovely friends and family :)

Not a Date

I'm rather enormously proud of myself today, because I kept my head, acted with dignity, and did not get into a relationship I shouldn't have. YAY!

The not-a-date was very pleasant, overall. A and I still have a lot in common and we chatted extensively about our shared interests. At a certain point in the evening the conversation panned out exactly as I expected - he asked whether I was still seeing someone as he remembered I'd been in a serious relationship when we knew each other. I responded exactly as I intended - I explained that the relationship I'd been in had been abusive. Since I didn't feel I wanted to go out with A, I added that I'm not really dating at all at the moment. Since he is basically a decent and gentle guy, he didn't pursue it any further. We plan to hang out again at some point because we can both be unashamedly geeky around the other, but on a strictly friendship basis.

I think this is the first time EVER that I haven't ended up in a relationship with a guy who was interested in me. I've previously been so flattered that I've been sucked into a relationship despite all the red flags. The only exception was the one date I went on in Sydney, where the guy was so hideously unattractive and so blatantly condescending that I refused a second date quite comfortably. Every other time I've shut down the critical part of my brain and gone ahead with it.

The red flags in this case were not huge. I don't find him attractive in the slightest - facial features, body shape etc are all more off-putting than appealing to me so that would and should scupper a relationship right there. There were a few other things, less superficial but perhaps more important. For starters, he didn't dress in a way which I felt was appropriate: black t-shirt with a slogan on it, black shorts, boots, a quirky hat, and an earring - his "style" - which to me shows a lack of social adaptability which would bug me no end in a relationship. Taking out a girl whom you hope to ask out requires a different dress code! There were also several instances which showed that we weren't on the same level of social and emotional maturity, which would make us a poor match. None of this makes him a bad or wrong person, or makes me a bad or wrong person. We're just not the right people for each other.

So . . . I'm flattered, I'm calm, I'm at peace, and I'm still entirely single. And I'm okay with that. The right person will happen at the right time. In the meantime I will continue to make sure that *I* am becoming the right person, the strong, reasonable, boundary-setting, dignified, peaceful, joyful woman who can have good relationships. All in good time. :)

3, 2, 1

Two days of weekend and then the kids walk into the classroom for the first day of school, 2009. I can't wait to meet them all! I'm not the least bit nervous. I'm looking forward to it.

My ankle produced a nice 'egg' of swelling where the organ landed, and there's a faint but very blue bruise covering a fair area of my ankle, and a red line where the edge dug in. The swelling has gone down now and the stiffness has disappeared, which is a great sign after only one day! But I suspect the bruise will get darker before it gets better. At least it doesn't hurt any more.

Dad was rather amused at me for having injured myself in such a matter, but as he put it: "people mend, whereas we always regret it if we break things that matter to us." Very true. I'd rather have a bruised ankle for a couple of days than have a permanently smashed electric organ in my carport! He also says he'll come and play with the electronics in the thing and see if he can get it working again. Yay! He's got some sort of electrics qualification as part of being a fridge & aircon installer and repairer, so he knows what he's doing lol.

I've only been back in Perth two weeks, but I've had to break out my diary to start keeping track of social engagements! Which is totally weird, but wonderful. I caught up with "the uni girls" for dinner this evening, I've got a lunch at Mum's tomorrow, dinner with a friend (male, and yes, potentially could morph into a date, eeek) next Friday night, and coffee with a friend from high school on Saturday next. So many people want to see me, it's lovely :)

Survived

I'm worn out, but the party, although small, was wonderful fun and I'm glad I went to the effort after all! The highlight of the night was walking out of town to beyond the street lights to look at the stars.

I'm vegging out today, relaxing and resting and trying to get my head around the last 9 teaching days of the year.

Beyond Tired

I stayed up until 1am last night trying to get my reports done, but didn't manage it because blasted SIS timed out and wiped some of my comments AAARGH. So I got up early, went in early and fixed it all up (and of course the principal decided she wanted them Monday anyway - gah gah gah I knew she would do that but of course I couldn't take the risk that she wouldn't GAAAAAH). So now I'm trying to get the house ready for having people up tomorrow. It was supposed to be a party but since I'm in the country hardly anyone has decided to come so there's only a handful of people coming up. I'm going to love having them here, but it feels so insane to be trying to get my house into order for five to ten guests! I'm trying to stay awake and functioning and keep tidying the house until midnight, then I intend to sleep until 8, get up, do some housework, go to Big Country Town to shop, come back, do more housework and hopefully finish up by the time people arrive (why oh why did I say 1pm . . . yeah it was so people could spend the afternoon then go back to Perth but OMG 1pm hardly any time at all). I'm unbelievably tired and just want to crash out but I have to get some more tidying done first. Once the stayovers leave on Sunday I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day!

Three Reunions, Three Lessons.

I had the last of my three 10-year high school reunions yesterday. It was a fantastic night and I really enjoyed it. I guess I'm now used to the whole reunion thing as I wasn't nervous at all for this one! That also comes from sorting through a lot of my "stuff". My self-esteem did not depend on the night going well, and since it did I just feel better about myself!

On the way home, I reflected on the three different reunions and the emotions and self-beliefs that surrounded each one. Like most teenagers my high school years were fraught with dramas and traumas, and being an Aspie with difficult and divorced parents I had perhaps a harder time than many dealing with the trials of teenagehood. In some ways, the reunions have let me 'go back' and fix some of the things that were going wrong. I've learned an important lesson out of each of the reunions - a different lesson each time.

Before the first reunion, for EHSHS, I was incredibly nervous. I was only at EHSHS for Years 8 and 9 (1993-94) and didn't really feel like I had any right to be going. I also had to get there very late, because my uncle's wedding reception was the same night. I was convinced that only a couple of people would remember me, and that they would probably wonder what I was doing there since I hadn't graduated with them. I even asked the people running it whether I was allowed to go!

When I got there, I was immediately greeted with great excitement by dozens of old friends and acquaintances. Most didn't even remember that I hadn't been there the whole time, or alternatively had wondered where the hell I'd gone since my friends hadn't managed to pass on the fact that I'd been custody-shuffled up to the northern suburbs. I was hugged by people I barely remembered, and "glomped" by a few who had really missed me. It was wonderful and I went home feeling like I'd regained a whole portion of my life that went missing after I left EHSHS.

Lesson One: You Are Memorable. I am not background noise. My appearance and manner and personality leaves a pleasant memory that people can retrieve immediately. I am missed when I leave and welcomed when I return. I don't need to fear being forgotten or unnoticed.

The next reunion was for GSHS where I did Years 10-12 (1995-97) after going to live with Mum. Before the GSHS reunion I felt even worse than I did prior to the first one. I was very much unpopular at GSHS (my friends were all in the year below me because my own year didn't 'get' me). I felt again like I had no right to be there and would be teased / laughed at / shunned for turning up to the reunion when I was so unwelcome at the school in the first place. I was terribly nervous.

What I found, when I got there, was that everyone remembered me, and no one remembered that I'd been unpopular. People kept asking things like "oh, were you at that party where . . .", and I kept having to say "no, I wasn't", thinking all the while ". . . because you guys never once invited me to a party!". They didn't have any recollection of my status as class pariah, and welcomed me with open arms and great enthusiasm. I hadn't been one of the crowd, but all they remembered was that I had been there through the most important years of high school. That was all that mattered to them.

Lesson Two: You Are Acceptable. Kids in high school are stupidly obsessed with conformity. My oddness was unbearable to them back then, but they're adults and they're over it. The person I am today is acceptable to the people they are today. I am not a pariah and no one sees me as one. I am accepted as one of "them".

This weekend's reunion was for FSHS, where I repeated Year 12 in 1998, having gone back to live with Dad at his new house in a different suburb after stuffing up my tertiary entrance exams in 1997. I wasn't nervous for this one - I knew that T, a good friend of mine, would be there, and I had better memories of the people at FSHS in general. I was pretty sure I was going to be welcomed, and hoped I would also be remembered.

The evening was delightful. Most people remembered me (some after a bit of prompting lol), and if they remembered me as half of "Christine and Brett", well, that's fair enough! Most were quite fascinated by the path my life had taken, and I found I had a lot in common with many of the girls I spent the evening with. It was a really great night.

Lesson Three: You Are Respected. People think very highly of someone who has three degrees, who followed her dream to do archaeology, who made a sensible decision to get out when it wasn't working out, and who does such an undeniably difficult and underpaid job as primary school teaching. In fact, the stuff I can do seriously amazes people, even if I consider them far brighter than me! So far as mannerisms can tell the story, everyone remembered liking me at school, and many remembered my dream to do archaeology. I am seen as someone who has achieved, who has strived, who has Gone Somewhere and Done Something with her life. No one cares about what I don't have or thinks less of me for it. What I do have is sufficient.

At last night's reunion I also had a long chat to my high school sweetheart (the aforementioned Brett), who was there with his wife and child. I found that, for the first time since we broke up in 2000, chatting to Brett triggered none of my "stuff". I think I'm starting to get my head around my past and put it away.

The three reunions have helped to set right a number of misconceptions I had about myself, and have replaced them with the positives listed above. And that feels good!

Bec, Jon and I gave this great game to J for her birthday. As a result of some very silly times on Friday night, I spontaneously made up a song to go with it (to the tune of "On Top of Spaghetti"):

On top of an iceberg
All covered in snow
I saw my poor penguin
Was starting to go

He fell off the iceberg
And into the sea
I lost my poor penguin
Feel sorry for me!

Ahh, the joy of penguins!

Belatedly, the picture of J and I on the Ferris Wheel (taken on my phone). It was originally much larger, but strangely you can see us better when the picture is 1/10 of the original size ...

Had a fun day yesterday . . .

The Monday public holiday (Labor Day, I believe) was just stunning, warm with a light breeze and so sunny. J and I spent half of the day cooperatively spring-cleaning the house, so it now looks great (apart from the backyard, which resembles a sun-swept English meadow that's never seen a sheep ...). It was a very cathartic clean-out and the place feels very good now!

In the afternoon we headed off to the Perth Royal Show (www.perthroyalshow.com.au but don't blame me if it doesn't work, the site is completely overloaded!). We got there at about 4, and spent four-and-a-half hours wandering around the various pavillions, buying showbags and going on various rides, including the 40-metre gravity drop, which is exhilarating and mind-numbingly terrifying all at once. I got a Whiskas Kitten showbag, among others, which has made me all the more excited about getting a kitten in a month or so :-D

We stayed for the fireworks display at 9pm, which was as spectacular as ever, and we counted at least two new colours of fireworks (a pastel aqua or pale blue and a light purple) and a couple of styles we hadn't seen before. Perth's fireworks are the best!

I have a photo of J and I on the Ferris Wheel, but I can't post it from work and it needs lightening up anyway, so I'll put it up later. It's dark at the top of the Ferris Wheel!

Despite my very nice weekend, I'm absolutely wiped today, after a windy - and thus rattly - night; and also after the phone rang, for no apparent reason, at 2:30am. *sigh*