Coming up for air.

Sometimes we get a wake-up call in our life.

Since January, I have been working in a school that demands extremely high levels of planning paperwork, which undergo constant monitoring. The workload is demanding, the management style highly critical and perfection-oriented, and 100% commitment is expected.

And I've been giving it, more than I ever have before.

I've been working 9, 10, 11 hour days and more. Plus hours upon hours on weekends to do the stuff I just can't fit in during the week. I've dropped out of a sport I loved because I had no energy for it, stayed in when I needed fresh air, given up opportunities for socialising, sacrificed sleep, dropped the housework ball more times than I can count, grouched at my family, and felt like an escapee whenever I found five minutes in which to pursue my own interests. My life these past few months has been a work-induced blur.

I thought it was the right thing to do, because this job was important. It was my key to ongoing employment: getting it right, showing my commitment, being the best I could be might lead to a permanent contract, and thus stability and financial security.

So, last week it came to crunch time. I interviewed for my own position along with potentially 1-2 more positions in Key Stage One. My lesson was good. My data analysis task was rated excellent. My panel interview went as smoothly as you could hope. I know the kids, I know how the school works, I have the knowledge and experience to make this work.

But they said there was someone better. I will not be needed next year.

Oh no, feel free, I'll just stand here while you punch me in the gut.

I got the call very late at night, and my deputy head - who had said that she wanted me in the job - sounded as gutted as I was. But that's as may be. I went quickly through the stages of grief: only a little denial before anger set in, barely a moment for bargaining before I hit a huge pile of depression. But after a good night's sleep and the first few conversations in the morning, I'd made it to acceptance.

Thursday and Friday were hard. In fact, they sucked. People were either shocked, or consoling, or avoided me. I was disconnected, suffering resurgence of the cricked neck that had plagued me earlier in the week, and feeling rejected and wistful and exhausted.

On the weekend, my body asserted itself, and gave me a sore throat and lost voice: the one complaint that can truly keep me home from work. Go, body. Today (Monday) was spent largely in bed.

The upshot of all this is that it's time to take stock. I've allowed myself to be overcome by this school's demands, which are far in excess of any other school I've taught in, and do not necessarily serve the needs of the pupils any better than systems at other (often much better) schools in which I've taught. There's only so much I can do to reel it in - as long as I'm there and needing a reference when I leave, most of their demands have to be met - but I'm going to try.

I'm going to leave early enough to see full daylight every day.
I'm going to source plans where I can and quit re-inventing the wheel.
I'm going to make sure I have the energy to go to gymnastics.
I'm going to get home early enough to have some alone time every day.
I'm going to use that time to do things for me.

and...

I'm going to start working towards what I really want in life - which is not to be a slave to an education system that lets down its staff as much as its pupils. I have some dreams and some half-formed plans, and I'm going to do at least one thing every day that is a step on the road to getting there. I got out of mainstream education once, and fell back into it... time to look at getting out again.

Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

Bah

Sometimes my brain sucks :(

Yesterday I sent an email to the Archaeology school at UWA asking for information about possible excursions about our term theme. The email I got back was from a girl I knew during my time there who has now got a job with the department. I was reflecting on who else had been around at the time and what I could tell her about where everyone had got to. And my thought ran "X has just had a baby, Y is married, both of them are still archaeologists . . . " and felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Most of my archaeology cohort have made it in archaeology, and a lot of them are married and/or have kids. I've changed careers and have neither. Go me.

I know, I KNOW. Different people, different paths, and I need to make peace with mine. But right now I feel like a complete failure, y'know?

Limbo

When my DVD player is left on pause or a menu screen for more than a couple of minutes, the picture disappears and is replaced with a simple screensaver: the logo of the DVD player brand in an oval that slowly moves across the screen, "bounces" off the "side" of the screen, moves off in a new direction, "bounces" again etc.

That is what my mind is like at the moment, and I'm having trouble shaking it long enough to do anything useful, even things that absolutely critically must be done by tomorrow.

The three "sides" are the three options I listed the other day.

Option 1: The principal isn't offered a position elsewhere and retains her position at our school, and I don't get a job elsewhere. This will be HIDEOUS. The woman has it in for me now because she knows that I know that she isn't doing her job properly. The mere thought of it makes me feel sick, and that's without even considering the fact that I'll also still be putting up with this particular set of idiotic parents and ratbag kids as well.

Option 2: The principal gets a job somewhere else and/or is refused the continuation of her job at our school, and I don't manage to get a job elsewhere and am therefore stuck at the school for the time being. This is an unknown quantity. I have no doubt that one of this principal's outgoing acts as principal would be to badmouth everyone who has ever had a negative word to say about her, staff and parents and kids alike (and I will by no means be the only staff member on her hit-list!). However any decent principal would take that kind of thing with a grain of salt and get to know everyone for themselves. So it could be awful or it could be fine. I'd still be stuck with the other issues with this school and this town.

Option 3: I get a job elsewhere and go. I can't get a job anywhere else in the state system (staffing were like "oh well it's better for the school to have stability so we will probably just ignore any application or take away your ability to get permanency if you did move, which you couldn't because we wouldn't move you . . ." - I fail to see how sending staff members crazy because they're in a placement they hate benefits the system!). I'm applying for everything eligible that comes up in the private sector. There's one job at a Montessori school which I want so much it hurts, and I'm just trying not to think about it because I can't afford to get my hopes up. This is obviously my preferred option.

So basically I'm sitting here switching my mind between the three options, going "that is unbearable and likely - that could happen but I don't know when we'll find out - I want this so badly but can't do anything more to help it along". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

AAAARGH

Security vs Happiness

There are a number of things that could happen from here.

1. I stay here, and so does the principal, and I have a horrible couple of years until I can get a transfer somewhere else.

2. I stay here and the principal moves on, and things improve or don't but either way I'm not dealing with her.

3. I get a job in the private sector and leave this stupid town and the cow of a principal behind entirely.

Now, all three of those are conditional on other people - on the education department's handling of the principal and on other schools considering me for a job. But the last has the advantage that - even if it doesn't come through and I'm only actively seeking it - I'm not passive.

I realised today that I HATE the public school system. I hate the rigidity and the meanness and the impersonality and the bureaucracy and the whole package. I hate what it does to the kids, and I hate what it's doing to ME. I do not like the person I am becoming as a teacher, and that worries me. The system is still so punitive and negative and them-against-us that I'm starting to buy into it, starting to accept the lies about children and childhood that feed the machine. NO!!!!! That is not what I want out of life and not what I expect from myself. I really feel that I want to get out of the public system entirely.

I just submitted an application to teach at a Montessori school in the suburb nextdoor to where Mum lives - back in my beloved hills. There's two more positions to apply for, at a protestant Christian school two suburbs from where Mum lives. And a few at Catholic schools in the south-west. I'm going to apply and apply and apply until I get something outside of the state system, no matter what. Whether it's in the city or the country, whether it's Catholic or Protestant or Steiner or Montessori or simply Alternative, I want to be out of the impersonal machine and into the world that believes that children are the REASON for what we do, not an impediment to it!

I'm feeling empowered right now. I'm not sitting back and letting stuff happen to me, but going out and looking for a better future. Yay for me.

This may mean being pinched financially, having a more demanding landlord, more house moves and many other things over the coming years. But miserable security is not living.

Grump!

I'm in kind of a ratty mood this evening, and have been for most of the day.

I think the day was pretty much doomed from the time I woke up, because just prior to that I was dreaming about S, like he used to be back before he lost interest. *snarls*

The day was mixed up because we had a special sports incursion happening (inflatable squash courts, WTF) and the kids were rowdy because of that and because of the broody weather we're having (35 C and thunderstorms, yay). Most of them weren't straight-out naughty, just noisy and easily distracted and not wanting to get a lot of work done. One girl WAS very naughty and disobedient and I'm going to have to call her mother in for a conference because she's suddenly redeveloped a habit of being rude and defiant that we thought we'd sorted out last term. Not happy.

Then I found out that the principal is strongly considering giving me the next class down (the 2/3/4 class) because a particular parent has caused so much trouble for me this year. Now, I can see where she's coming from - I have NOT enjoyed the stress of dealing with that parent's obnoxiousness, and all three of her kids are in the 5/6/7 class next year. It'll be intense and quite possibly very unpleasant for whomever takes the class next year and I've done my turn dealing with it! But at the same time I love most of the kids in this class and I've invested so much in them, and it'll be VERY hard to turn them over to someone else, even if it's for the best. And there's so many things I'd hoped to do with them next year! And it seems so unfair that one obnoxious parent can make so much trouble that the school has to change an effective staffing arrangement to head off potential issues.

Whatever happens I'll compromise and cope and get on with my job, but they're my first class and I guess no class anywhere will ever be quite the same. So I'm feeling kind of sad and down and uncertain. The 2/3/4s are a nice age group too and I'm sure I'll have fun, but I'll miss my bright, on-the-ball, savvy older kids.

On the upside, the principal is talking about making my role as a music teacher more official, and having me teach in the classroom for 4 days and take all 3 classes in succession for music on the 5th day. Which would be AWESOME. I suggested that I could teach drama as well, and she said that was a really good idea too, so I might be doing both. The current 2/3/4 teacher would do the same for everyone for Phys Ed if that went ahead, which would be a really great way of doing things and I really like the thought. That would go a long way towards making up for the change of classes! So it's not all bad. I guess the inevitable end-of-first-year-of-teaching separation tears are just coming early lol.

So . . . yeah. I'm just kind of cranky and out-of-sorts. Probably what I need is a good solid walk in the fresh air. But, thunderstorms. Lots of them. I love thunderstorms but going walking during one is just plain stupid.

*sigh*

*And* . . .

And on top of all of that below, I've recently become uncomfortably aware of how much of my personality I have to keep supressed in order to be considered "normal" and not get laughed at by all and sundry. A lot of the things I love (porcelain dolls or Victoriana, for example) are considered immature interests for a 25-year-old, but I defy anyone to give me a logical reason why collecting porcelain dolls is any less mature than collecting china animals or Schwarovski crystal or Royal Doulton plates! Or anything!

And on the flipside, I'm frustrated with myself for caring so much about being teased that I can't just go out and pursue those interests anyway. I'm letting other peoples' silly prejudices affect me, but I can't help it. I'm sensitive enough about being 25, single, and a bit plump, and I feel like doing something "childish" (like collecting porcelain dolls) would brand me forever with the "silly romantic overgrown fat girl, probably a virgin" label (Terry Pratchett readers: think Agnes).

I just want to be able to do what I want and be happy about it, but I can't and it hurts.

And on top of all that I'm lonely and "clucky", and life just isn't any fun at the moment :-(