Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

WAAAAAAH

So, the removalists phoned today (Saturday). They're packing me tomorrow afternoon and moving me on Monday.

HEEEEEEEEELP!

I completely discombobulated the house so that I could sort boxes and throw stuff away, thinking I would have at least a couple of days' warning before the packing team arrived - not 20 hours' notice and when I was 2 hours from home! There is SO much sorting and tidying to do, and it's already got to nearly 8pm and it's still over 30 C and as sticky and humid as a sauna and looking like it's going to storm, and I had a late night (stayed over at Dad's and nattered until nearly 2am) and an early start (up at 7:30 to get to the Montessori foundation course) and sat on hard chairs in the course all day so I'm stiff as a board, and both my hands ache for various reasons and my knee is acting up . . .

In a nutshell, BAWWWWW.

I don't know how on earth I'm going to be ready for a packing team who are turning up "tomorrow afternoon" when I don't know what time . . . I'm an Aspie, I need a deadline! *panics*

This is going to be a LONG night, and I only have four frozen cupcakes and no chocolate or diet coke. Maybe I should run up to the servo and remedy that before it closes in 10 minutes.

. . . yeah, I should.

But before I do that, because I won't have time to do a proper entry on it, I LOVED the Montessori course and found it inspiring and validating and brought me right back to my roots as a self-regulation raised child and a firm believer in self-directed education and respectful pedagogy. I am totally in the right place.

Oh, and it turns out that my new principal taught my brother during his time at a Montessori high school, the presenter of the course taught my cousins at another Montessori school, and one of the teacher aides is the mother of a boy who was in 10yo brother's class at the public school he started school at. LOL Perth.

I feel sick :(

Remember the queasiness I blamed on nerves around the time of the interview? It hasn't gone away, even though the nerves most definitely have. Even when I'm hungry I usually either can't face food at all (throat closes, stomach turns over), or I'll get a few bites into food that my body seems to be accepting, and then suddenly get nauseous and start to gag. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's become quite clear that there is something wrong. This isn't nerves, and it seems to have gone on too long for a virus. I'm going to have to take this one to the doctor. Gah.

Too Easy?

Do you ever get the feeling that things are just going too well and you're beginning to wonder where the catch is?

I'm feeling like that right now.

I got into the uni course I desperately wanted.

I wanted out of the education department, applied for one perfect job, and got it.

I just found out that since I resigned at the end of the year, the education department will move me back to Perth.

WHERE'S THE CATCH?

When will my luck run out?

I'm worried that the catch might be housing. It's more expensive in Perth but there are some not unreasonable places around, I just have to snag one. And I'm looking into sharing as well - keeping an eye on the share house adverts. I guess I'm feeling a little het up about it because there's currently nothing I can do - I can't start house-hunting until after Christmas because I don't have any money! I just want it settled and sorted and I feel kind of like it's going to get out of hand if I don't do something RIGHT NOW.

Of course . . . I could pack. That would help. But . . . nah :D

Blech

I don't know whether it's the nervousness and anticipation over possibly changing jobs and moving back to Perth, or the sudden increase in hot weather, or both, but I constantly feel nauseous at the moment. I can't face stodgy or rich food at all and have trouble swallowing anything, even when I can feel my stomach grumbling with hunger. Sometimes it eases and I can eat light foods, but the thought of eating anything closes my throat most of the time. So I'm going around starving and feeling sick at the thought of food. YUCK!!

(No, I am not pregnant. No possible way whatsoever. So that is not the problem!)

I'm also currently having a little battle with myself, because I just got given a box of Cadbury Roses chocolates (my absolute favourite!) by a student. Common sense says I should share them with my class so I don't eat them all myself once this yicky feeling subsides. But my OMGLOVECHOCOLATE sense says I should keep them! Decisions, decisions :D

But what do I WANT?

The interview with the Montessori school is tomorrow, and I'm totally torn about the outcome. I do want to be back in the city, rather desperately. There are so many things I'd like to do, plans I'd like to make etc. But moving will be difficult. Affording the move will be difficult. There are disadvantages as well as the good stuff.

There are things I will miss about this town, like the space and the peace and the choir and some of the kids. But there are also things I will most definitely NOT miss.

On the balance I think I do want the Montessori job, but there will be some very hard stuff to get through if I get it.

In other news, I'm icing my head because I managed to swing my flute case into the corner of my eye socket & eyebrow while I was getting out of the car this evening. Nice look if I have a big bruise for the interview tomorrow!

Not Good

*sigh*

Over the weekend one of the girls in my class, along with two girls from the private primary down the road, dragged an older girl out of her house and pretty much bashed her unconscious, broke all the windows in her house and stole various stuff from the family.

The bashed girl's family (including 5 and 7 year old girls from our school) have fled town for their own safety. The girl herself survived with a lot of bruises and a broken nose and has been discharged from hospital. The three girls involved in the bashing will be charged with aggravated burglary and assault occasioning grievous bodily harm.

These girls are twelve years old.

I've been trying my heart out all year to get this girl to understand that she is responsible for her actions, understand that other people have significant rights that cannot be messed with, understand that life is beautiful and special and should be treasured not thrown away. But when her mother is an alcoholic who regularly gets up in peoples' faces and has been known to bash people (she even threatened me once), what can you say to make a difference?

I'm just feeling broken. This girl is quite intelligent and creative and in a good environment she would have blossomed and could have done great things. Now? If she ever comes back from this and makes good in her life then she will be one of the extremely rare lucky ones. A GBH charge at 12 does not make for a bright future.

:-(

Beyond Tired

I stayed up until 1am last night trying to get my reports done, but didn't manage it because blasted SIS timed out and wiped some of my comments AAARGH. So I got up early, went in early and fixed it all up (and of course the principal decided she wanted them Monday anyway - gah gah gah I knew she would do that but of course I couldn't take the risk that she wouldn't GAAAAAH). So now I'm trying to get the house ready for having people up tomorrow. It was supposed to be a party but since I'm in the country hardly anyone has decided to come so there's only a handful of people coming up. I'm going to love having them here, but it feels so insane to be trying to get my house into order for five to ten guests! I'm trying to stay awake and functioning and keep tidying the house until midnight, then I intend to sleep until 8, get up, do some housework, go to Big Country Town to shop, come back, do more housework and hopefully finish up by the time people arrive (why oh why did I say 1pm . . . yeah it was so people could spend the afternoon then go back to Perth but OMG 1pm hardly any time at all). I'm unbelievably tired and just want to crash out but I have to get some more tidying done first. Once the stayovers leave on Sunday I'm going to sleep for the rest of the day!

Sometimes There's Nothing You Can Do . . .

I'll freely admit that my tiredness is often my own fault. I don't go to sleep early enough or with enough dedication sometimes. Other times it's insomnia, or just difficult circumstances, but most often it's just my bad sleeping habits.

Last night, however, was SO NOT MY FAULT.

At 9pm I was dozing off on the couch, so I decided I'd go to bed early and get a long night's sleep before getting up early. So I took a sleeping tablet, read for a little while then switched the light out. Despite the fact that the tablet was pulling me under, I had trouble getting off to sleep because the bogong moths were being noisy and the people across the road from me were talking out the front of their house and receiving text messages rather noisily. Just as I was dropping off at about 10:30 I heard a rumble of thunder. Then I awoke again at about 11:30 when a cracker of a thunderstorm went over. I was too much under the influence of the sleeping pill to wake up properly and enjoy it, but it was too noisy, between the constant thunder and the rain and I suspect hail too, for me to get back to sleep. Finally after about an hour I did drop off again. Then at about 4am I was awoken by a cacophony from my study, which is full of boxes and stuff I'm trying to sort into them. I went in and found a dead mouse in the doorway and Jemima chasing a very much live rabbit around the boxes. I chased the cat out, but I couldn't catch the rabbit so I shut the study door with the rabbit still inside, put the mouse in the bin and went back to sleep. About an hour and a half later I awoke to a funny noise and found that it was getting light and Jem had another rabbit, this one dead, on the floor of my bedroom. I hissed at her, put the rabbit in the bin (picking it up in an old cloth!) and went back to bed yet again. Just as I was dropping off, the sun rose, shining through my open window straight into my eyes. I groaned, rolled over, dropped back to sleep for about an hour, and then my alarm went off.

I really feel that the universe must have had it in for me last night - I did the right thing, went to bed early, and . . . argh!

(In case you're wondering, I opened the study door before I left for school this morning, and I assume Jemima has caught and dealt with the live rabbit! I don't mind her eating them as they're an agricultural pest, but I really wish she wouldn't bring them inside).

In other news, I'm very excited because I have a job interview at a Montessori school in the hills, in the suburb next to where Mum lives. I want this job so very much, but I have to get through the interview first and that's not for a couple of weeks! December 16th is the day. They've already spoken to my referees which is a good sign lol. I'd love to get back to Perth. I haven't lived in the city or suburbs with a car of my own before, and the possibilities are taking my breath away. Back with my friends . . . able to go where I want . . . NOT doing a 100km round trip every time I need groceries . . . there's even a choir I can sing in which I never knew about! I'm trying not to get too excited because it's by no means certain, but I'm hopeful.

Limbo

When my DVD player is left on pause or a menu screen for more than a couple of minutes, the picture disappears and is replaced with a simple screensaver: the logo of the DVD player brand in an oval that slowly moves across the screen, "bounces" off the "side" of the screen, moves off in a new direction, "bounces" again etc.

That is what my mind is like at the moment, and I'm having trouble shaking it long enough to do anything useful, even things that absolutely critically must be done by tomorrow.

The three "sides" are the three options I listed the other day.

Option 1: The principal isn't offered a position elsewhere and retains her position at our school, and I don't get a job elsewhere. This will be HIDEOUS. The woman has it in for me now because she knows that I know that she isn't doing her job properly. The mere thought of it makes me feel sick, and that's without even considering the fact that I'll also still be putting up with this particular set of idiotic parents and ratbag kids as well.

Option 2: The principal gets a job somewhere else and/or is refused the continuation of her job at our school, and I don't manage to get a job elsewhere and am therefore stuck at the school for the time being. This is an unknown quantity. I have no doubt that one of this principal's outgoing acts as principal would be to badmouth everyone who has ever had a negative word to say about her, staff and parents and kids alike (and I will by no means be the only staff member on her hit-list!). However any decent principal would take that kind of thing with a grain of salt and get to know everyone for themselves. So it could be awful or it could be fine. I'd still be stuck with the other issues with this school and this town.

Option 3: I get a job elsewhere and go. I can't get a job anywhere else in the state system (staffing were like "oh well it's better for the school to have stability so we will probably just ignore any application or take away your ability to get permanency if you did move, which you couldn't because we wouldn't move you . . ." - I fail to see how sending staff members crazy because they're in a placement they hate benefits the system!). I'm applying for everything eligible that comes up in the private sector. There's one job at a Montessori school which I want so much it hurts, and I'm just trying not to think about it because I can't afford to get my hopes up. This is obviously my preferred option.

So basically I'm sitting here switching my mind between the three options, going "that is unbearable and likely - that could happen but I don't know when we'll find out - I want this so badly but can't do anything more to help it along". Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

AAAARGH

Hatehatehatehatehateit

I'm at home on stress leave today and tomorrow, and I'm scared and angry and miserable.

Last Friday, one of my students king-hit another student while I had my back turned for a moment. I took both boys straight to the principal, told her what had happened and asked her to deal with it. Her way of "dealing" with it was to get both boys' sides of the story, then keep the offending boy in in-school suspension for a couple of hours before sending him back to me at 2pm. He wreaked complete havoc on my lesson, stirring up two other boys and causing my entire afternoon to go all to hell.

I was angry enough over this when I got in on Monday, and then I found that the principal wasn't going to be there on Monday and hadn't left any instructions or requirements for the offending boy. I resorted to the standard punishment - sitting on the bench rather than playing at recess and lunchtime. He refused to comply. Then at lunchtime three of my good girls were found out of bounds riding another child's scooter through the gardens and destroying a small tree; students who were supposed to be doing rubbish duty as a consequence for rudeness refused to comply; and at the end of lunch four boys refused to come down from the top of the play equipment having spent lunchtime throwing stuff on the top of the equipment's shade-cloth. They just laughed at all four of the staff members who told them to come down! When they did finally come down we got the mother of the worst boy (the one who hit the other child) to come and get him. I tried to get on with my lessons in the afternoon but a couple of the kids had realised that there was no higher authority in the school and no one was actually facing any major consequences (this has been a problem for a while because the principal just refuses to impose any higher-level consequences). and proceeded to riot. I got on with things as best I could before asking for help, and when the other teacher took them to buddy class I could hear her screaming at them from two classrooms away!

By the end of the day I was a crying nervous wreck and told the registrar I wasn't coming in today. I've been to the doctor today and cried at her, and I've got a certificate for today and tomorrow. My stomach is all in knots and I can't breathe properly and I'm feeling sick and strained and awful, not the least because I have to see the principal for a meeting at 8am on Thursday. I know I need to be assertive and firm and somehow MAKE her realise that while my handling of the problems might not have been the best - it is my first year of teaching after all - the heart of the problem is that she won't back us up or impose any serious consequences herself. I need to let her understand my feelings of being unsupported and out of options while not putting her on the defensive, and I'm not very good at that sort of thing.

I hate this!

I'm currently doing the only thing I can think of to make myself feel better: applying for positions in private schools. I've found three to positions to apply for and I'm going to look for more. If this principal isn't around next year it won't be so bad, but on the off-chance she will be here I don't want to be. I've had enough.

Grump!

I'm in kind of a ratty mood this evening, and have been for most of the day.

I think the day was pretty much doomed from the time I woke up, because just prior to that I was dreaming about S, like he used to be back before he lost interest. *snarls*

The day was mixed up because we had a special sports incursion happening (inflatable squash courts, WTF) and the kids were rowdy because of that and because of the broody weather we're having (35 C and thunderstorms, yay). Most of them weren't straight-out naughty, just noisy and easily distracted and not wanting to get a lot of work done. One girl WAS very naughty and disobedient and I'm going to have to call her mother in for a conference because she's suddenly redeveloped a habit of being rude and defiant that we thought we'd sorted out last term. Not happy.

Then I found out that the principal is strongly considering giving me the next class down (the 2/3/4 class) because a particular parent has caused so much trouble for me this year. Now, I can see where she's coming from - I have NOT enjoyed the stress of dealing with that parent's obnoxiousness, and all three of her kids are in the 5/6/7 class next year. It'll be intense and quite possibly very unpleasant for whomever takes the class next year and I've done my turn dealing with it! But at the same time I love most of the kids in this class and I've invested so much in them, and it'll be VERY hard to turn them over to someone else, even if it's for the best. And there's so many things I'd hoped to do with them next year! And it seems so unfair that one obnoxious parent can make so much trouble that the school has to change an effective staffing arrangement to head off potential issues.

Whatever happens I'll compromise and cope and get on with my job, but they're my first class and I guess no class anywhere will ever be quite the same. So I'm feeling kind of sad and down and uncertain. The 2/3/4s are a nice age group too and I'm sure I'll have fun, but I'll miss my bright, on-the-ball, savvy older kids.

On the upside, the principal is talking about making my role as a music teacher more official, and having me teach in the classroom for 4 days and take all 3 classes in succession for music on the 5th day. Which would be AWESOME. I suggested that I could teach drama as well, and she said that was a really good idea too, so I might be doing both. The current 2/3/4 teacher would do the same for everyone for Phys Ed if that went ahead, which would be a really great way of doing things and I really like the thought. That would go a long way towards making up for the change of classes! So it's not all bad. I guess the inevitable end-of-first-year-of-teaching separation tears are just coming early lol.

So . . . yeah. I'm just kind of cranky and out-of-sorts. Probably what I need is a good solid walk in the fresh air. But, thunderstorms. Lots of them. I love thunderstorms but going walking during one is just plain stupid.

*sigh*

It would be hard . . .

. . . to choose a 'worst' symptom of all the symptoms of this virus, but I think the irritability is the "baddest" of a bad lot. I'm not irritable at anything, I just feel generally annoyed and want to throw things or belt someone. I'm having to exercise rock-hard control over myself to avoid going on to BtN and randomly flaming people or attacking posters whose favourite names are, in my opinion, awful. This is not a fun sensation. I haven't felt this . . . snarly . . . since I was a teenager with PMS!

I wish I had something else to talk about except how ghastly I feel, but I can't think of anything.

It looks like it's probably a virus

I haven't got the blood test results back yet, but it looks like Mum has the same thing, and I've also been reminded that Dad is still recovering from a virus that put him in bed for four weeks, and I think stiffness and tiredness were symptoms of that. Mum and I can't have caught it off Dad, as we haven't seen him, but a family friend has it as well so it's probably doing the rounds. I'm just hoping I've got a mild version, not the version Dad has had!

I'm 'down' again today, possibly because I a) pushed myself to get some housework done yesterday so that I would feel more comfortable; and b) had to get up at 6:15am to get to work this morning (although I woke up at 6:14 courtesy of Jemima - damn programmed cat! lol). Whatever the cause, I'm totally wiped - dozy, miserable, sore, heavy-headed etc.

I'm a bit shaky too, but that could be caffeine! I'm trying to keep myself going with not-totally-diet-disasterous drinks - I've got a huge soy iced coffee with no cream or icecream, and I plan to follow that up with a V8 fruit drink, and I've got a V8 veggie drink for this afternoon. But I'm not entirely sure it's going to work. My knees and ankles are on strike, my sciatic nerve is starting to twang, and moving my head fast is right out. Mwaaaaah!

I *hate* being sick.

Feeling better today . . .

. . . which is not surprising considering the see-saw-ing my moods have been doing lately.

I went to the doctor yesterday to try to find out if there could be a medical reason for my random moods, weepiness, aching muscles and constant tiredness. Sure, I've been under a lot of stress and dealing with a lot of stuff lately, but I think I'm not being as resiliant as I should be. Plus the aches and pains are getting worse, I'm losing my ability to run up the stairs at home, and I should not be nodding off at my desk after a good night's sleep.

The doctor ordered a barrage of blood tests - iron, folate, thyroid function, glucose tolerance, cholesterol, stomach ulcers, something called ESR which I think tests for rheumatoid disorders and cancer (could stand for erythrocite sedimentation rate), and something called LFT which I'm guessing is a liver function test. I have to fast tonight and go in first thing tomorrow morning to have them all done. Ugh. They'll probably all come back negative (unless my hypoglycaemia shows up on the glucose test, but it will probably be the diabetes one which doesn't pick up hypoglycaemia), but at least then I'll know that it's none of the above.

On the other hand, there's a chance I'm not just stressed out to the point of hypochondria, and there actually is something wrong. In which case it's a good thing I'm getting the tests done lol.

Okay, so . . .

. . . first, I found out that I have to spend two years instead of one doing my GradDipEd. Second, I found out yesterday that my work can't keep me on next year. It's not because I've done anything wrong, it's just that they need a strong finance person (which I'm not!) and they can't afford two assistants. But it means I'll have to get back on the job search merry-go-round. I got this job very easily and I'm sure it won't be that easy next time!

So I'm just waiting for the third thing (these things all come in threes, you know!). If it's three bad luck things in a row, I don't want to even think what the third thing might be. But if it's just three life changes . . . maybe I should buy a lotto ticket lol. Now *that* would really mess up my plans!

*And* . . .

And on top of all of that below, I've recently become uncomfortably aware of how much of my personality I have to keep supressed in order to be considered "normal" and not get laughed at by all and sundry. A lot of the things I love (porcelain dolls or Victoriana, for example) are considered immature interests for a 25-year-old, but I defy anyone to give me a logical reason why collecting porcelain dolls is any less mature than collecting china animals or Schwarovski crystal or Royal Doulton plates! Or anything!

And on the flipside, I'm frustrated with myself for caring so much about being teased that I can't just go out and pursue those interests anyway. I'm letting other peoples' silly prejudices affect me, but I can't help it. I'm sensitive enough about being 25, single, and a bit plump, and I feel like doing something "childish" (like collecting porcelain dolls) would brand me forever with the "silly romantic overgrown fat girl, probably a virgin" label (Terry Pratchett readers: think Agnes).

I just want to be able to do what I want and be happy about it, but I can't and it hurts.

And on top of all that I'm lonely and "clucky", and life just isn't any fun at the moment :-(

Gaack!

I am so stressed right now - work is just insane and I'm not coping with it at all. My boss keeps asking me to do things that just can't be done in the timeframe she wants them done in, but the timeframe is inflexible so I have to do them anyway. I'm considering writing little fables about bosses that ask the impossible (The Boss Who Cried "Now!" springs to mind as a possible title ...) and leaving them around the place. Plus it's apparently all my fault that a government department isn't getting back to us quickly, as if government departments *ever* get back to us quickly especially when we've made difficult requests!

And on top of that I'm feeling decidedly under-the-weather (a cold or too much wheat or both, I'm thinking both) and I'm worn out because I didn't sleep well. And I can't see properly because my new glasses haven't arrived yet. *And* I have to write a uni admission application and a scholarship application in the next two weeks. Not to mention trying to get this ****ing Nutrimetics business off the ground and trying to head off the well-meaning people who want to nag me about it!

. . . considering curling up under the desk and sobbing . . .