101 Things To Do...

... that are better than dithering on the internet.

Evenings and weekends are hard. They're supposed to be - or rather, have to be - useful times. They're the times for getting things done around the house and in my life. Teaching is such a life-eating pursuit that these precious non-school times must be guarded carefully and used effectively.

The pressure to use them effectively is so great that I spend most of them dithering around on FB, GB and BtN, nattering to people and sharing interesting things.

Now, I'm not going to say that these are not valid ways to spend time, because I fundamentally believe that they have their place. Social interaction, when one's support network is spread far and wide, can only happen through such media, and it is as important a part of life as running into someone at the shops and having a quick catch-up. It's necessary and healthy.

However if I spend too long doing it, for all that I've enjoyed myself, I get a sense of life being eaten away. So I engaged in an act of meta-procrastination and made myself a list of things I could be doing instead. It's taken me hours, but I hope they're invested rather than frittered!

Some are useful, some are frivolous, some are impractical, but all are part of the useful, interesting life that's currently squeezed between school and "relaxing on the internet".

1.    Put a wash on
2.    Hang the washing up
3.    Fold washing and put it away
4.    Tidy a room
5.    Sweep the floor
6.    Scrub the toilet
7.    Do the dishes
8.    Deal with the rubbish/recycling
9.    Sort a drawer
10.    File papers
11.    Polish shoes
12.    Polish jewellery
13.    Clean the fridge/freezer
14.    Do a pantry audit
15.    Spot-treat the carpet/upholstery
16.    Straighten the books
17.    Clean the litter tray
18.    Write a kitchen/linen needs list
19.    Plan a meal
20.    Price a renovation/redecoration
21.    Choose clothes to donate/recycle
22.    Read the gas meter
23.    Take batteries down to be recycled

24.    Check bank balances
25.    Submit a useful form
26.    Register a warranty
27.    Send an email to someone
28.    Back up
29.    Clean up downloads/desktop/other files
30.    Tag old photographs
31.    Do a grocery order
32.    Make an album to have printed
33.    Defragment
34.    Remove useless software
35.    Book a holiday
36.    Phone a friend. Chat.
37.    Learn to use GIMP
38.    Pinterest useful parenting ideas
39.    Write & publish a blog post
40.    Read journal articles

41.    Write the book
42.    Plan another book
43.    Read a book/magazine about writing
44.    Write a short story/drabble
45.    Edit something
46.    Make a character profile
47.    Draw a map

48.    Sketch something
49.    Colour something
50.    Paint something
51.    Cross-stitch
52.    Mending
53.    Make a garb pattern/concept
54.    Embroider something
55.    Learn to cast on; practise
56.    Take photographs
57.    Teach myself knitting
58.    Make lacing cords
59.    Learn to weave

60.    Lift weights
61.    Go for a walk
62.    Go for a bike ride
63.    Do some yoga/pilates
64.    Stretch
65.    Meditate
66.    Dance around to music
67.    Plan a long walk
68.    Go geocaching

69.    Play with the cat
70.    Read a book/magazine
71.    Put photos in frames
72.    Scrapbook recipes
73.    Learn Italian/French/German/Spanish
74.    Journal/reflect

75.    Practise the flute
76.    Practise the violin
77.    Practise the recorder
78.    Compose something
79.    Arrange or transcribe something
80.    Research and save sheet music

81.    Weed the garden
82.    Mow the lawn
83.    Prune
84.    Sweep the back porch
85.    Clean the windows

86.    Transcribe names
87.    Write up name articles
88.    Write a persona piece

89.    Research a new family tree member
90.    Backtrack and add details
91.    Upload genealogy photos
92.    Catalogue family photos

93.    Have a bath/wash hair
94.    Plug in toothbrush
95.    Do facial masque
96.    Soak & scrub feet
97.    Manicure/pedicure
98.    Track food/exercise
99.    Track weight/body measurements
100.   Get/give massage
101.   Go to bed early

I'll keep you updated with my progress!

And What Have You Done?

I started out this year full of fire and fierce hopes, but like all years it's been a mixed bag.

Today, the novel stands at 51,867 words. That's not bad. It's more than double my previous total words written on a project. It's not finished, but it's more than half finished, so I think I'm content with my efforts given how difficult some parts of this year have been.

I've been on a mild SSRI anti-anxiety medication since shortly after my last post, and it has helped immensely with the panic and fight-or-flight responses I was having to my workload. I'm still not sure whether the not coping was due to a chemical imbalance, or whether the chemical imbalance was caused by the workload being absurd, but either way I'm coping a bit better.

The high points of this year included my brother-in-law's lovely wedding, seeing the house where my mother grew up in Nottingham, travelling around the UK a bit, celebrating our first wedding anniversary (I did a video but it's too long to post here, and I don't suppose you lot want to sit for 14 minutes looking at wedding and honeymoon pictures really!), Munchkin starting Year 1, finding the heritage-listed gravestones of my ancestors, spending an enchanted week with the SCA at Raglan Castle in Wales, and losing around a stone through Weight Watchers. 

Aha! Oho!

Australia Day is not quite the same in England.

Making friends at his uncle's wedding.

7 Magdala Road, Nottingham: my mother's childhood home.

Surprise awesome park stop in Yorkshire.

 

Robin Hood's Bay.

Bridge Farm in Almeley, Herefordshire. My great-great-grandfather, Arthur William Dew, was living here in 1871 aged 2.

In the ongoing storage fight in Munchkin's tiny bedroom, I sewed a bookshelf.

Theme park day.

Raglan Castle, Wales

Caution: Archery

Sightseeing in Chichester.

Boarding the plane in Dubai en route to Perth.

A park in Glen Forrest, Perth. My father and I sat on the play equipment, drank coffee and talked.

The graves of my direct ancestors and their relatives, Ashurst, Kent.

Apropos.

6:15am, 25/12/2013

It's been mild so far, but the frost will come.

The low point of the year was, of course, losing my grandmother Jean. Here's some photos of her, just because.

Aged 4, growing up in Liverpool.

Aged 19.

With my grandfather Paul, and their children: (back) Mark, Penny, Nicola; (front) Jonquil, David, Erica, Leonora.

Mum, me, Jean, about 2001.

My first university graduation, 2003.

Family Gathering in 2009.

 It's been a year of big events, lots of weddings and lots of driving - from Newcastle-upon-Tyne in the north east to Southampton on the south coast, west to Shropshire and Herefordshire and out to Raglan, and down in the south east to Kent... I've covered a lot of ground this year, and enjoyed it. There's been new babies (though alas still not one of my own yet) and a few people have left us. Certainly a memorable year.

I haven't got a lot of big goals for 2014. Keep writing the book until it is done, then edit it and start on something new. Keep losing weight, until I hit my goal. Try to get a masters application accepted and funded to start next October, on a Heritage theme. Cope at school. Write another Christmas play. Take more photographs. Go for more walks. See more of this amazing country. Make more garb. Sleep properly. Wear interesting clothes. Have some fun. Blog regularly?

Happy new year, everyone!

Rock and a Hard Place

As you're probably aware, teaching in the UK is getting worse and worse. Shifting goalposts, enormous workloads, constant negative feedback, absurd performance pay, and so on. I'm going crazy with stress and can't keep up with everything I'm supposed to be doing unless I have absolutely no life. I could work 12 hour days 7 days a week and still never get on top of it all.

I keep reaching breaking point, then finding I can go that little bit further, then reaching breaking point again. I almost resigned for Christmas, but I was too scared of the money issues. Now I'm invested in these kids and want to see out the year, but the fight-or-flight response is on constantly and I'm living through a rollercoaster of adrenaline. This has to be my last year of this. Come summer, I am done with classroom teaching.

I'm going to try to get a job back in the heritage sector, with supply teaching as my stopgap until something in that field comes through.

But this comes with a price. I was hoping to have a baby in the next year or so, but we can't really afford one if I'm not in a full-time, decently-paid job in which I am entitled to paid maternity leave. Statutory maternity pay isn't really enough for very long, and I'd be wary of not having a job to go back to anyway. So if I take the plunge, and get out of teaching and into something else, I have to put off having a baby until I'm in whatever that something else turns out to be. At nearly 33, that's not a decision to be taken lightly.

And yet, it's simply not safe, mental health wise, for me to suck it up long enough to have the baby.

I can't balance it, and I don't know what to do.

An Update...

It's been a while, and I've been neglecting this blog shamefully, so here's some things that have happened lately.

Munchkin turned 5. I made a cake.

***

We added a new family member, Ophelia (also known as Feefee or Feely-Cat, or Get Out Of It You Stupid Git).

***

My wife and I both finally accepted that we'd gained more weight than we were happy with in the long slide since the wedding, and we've joined Weight Watchers. It's working very well for us so far - they've changed the plan a lot and it's a lot more manageable and liveable than it was the last time I tried it. It's going well, and I'll update about it again when I reach goal - which I am going to this time, unlike the last few attempts!

***

We also celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. There is a mushy video of our wedding and honeymoon, but blogger won't let me upload it (probably because it's 14 minutes long and rather large)... I will look into putting it up on youtube or vimeo and linking it here.

***

The day school finished we raced up to visit friends in Shropshire - an area we are falling in love with as a future home - and climbed The Wrekin, an achievement that made us both feel rather proud given how unfit we've both become!

That's the Munchkin and his best friend L in the foreground.

***

The book currently stands at just over 43,000 words. Things got slow when the assessment end of the school year arrived at the same time as an unexpected plot twist, and I'm now trying to get back on track with daily writing over the summer. It's already more than double the length of my previous longest piece of work, so that is pretty satsifying. I have an idea for another, unrelated book on the backburner, so I want to finish this one by the end of the year, work on the other one in the first half of next year, then come back and edit this one next summer. The other one is aimed at primary school readers, so it will be shorter.

***

I'm off to Wales in just over a week to a big SCA event. I've become reconciled with the SCA since inspirational equality was written in as acceptable, and was tried out by a same-sex couple appearing in the most recent crown tourney. They didn't win, but the precedent is now there and one day we will have a same-sex couple on the throne. That's been enough to entice me back!

***

Late last year, I glanced back over my employment contract and realised that they'd made me a permanent, not one-year, offer. There was much rejoicing. There's been a bit of staff turnover and rearrangement ready for next year, but I am staying in Year 2. This is the first time I've ever stayed at the same school two years running, and the first time I've ever taught the same year two years running. Fancy that! I might almost begin to feel like I know what I'm doing.

***

One of the reasons there's been a long gap on this blog is that I've found it hard to express many of the things I've been thinking about this year. I get very emotional about my hot-button topical issues - feminism, sexuality and education - and I sometimes feel too overwhelmed with  frustration to actually say anything sensible about them. However, I'm going to try, so my goal is to blog every weekend, and say something, whether it's an update or a few thoughts on something that matters.

I think that's everything. Back to the book...

Coming up for air.

Sometimes we get a wake-up call in our life.

Since January, I have been working in a school that demands extremely high levels of planning paperwork, which undergo constant monitoring. The workload is demanding, the management style highly critical and perfection-oriented, and 100% commitment is expected.

And I've been giving it, more than I ever have before.

I've been working 9, 10, 11 hour days and more. Plus hours upon hours on weekends to do the stuff I just can't fit in during the week. I've dropped out of a sport I loved because I had no energy for it, stayed in when I needed fresh air, given up opportunities for socialising, sacrificed sleep, dropped the housework ball more times than I can count, grouched at my family, and felt like an escapee whenever I found five minutes in which to pursue my own interests. My life these past few months has been a work-induced blur.

I thought it was the right thing to do, because this job was important. It was my key to ongoing employment: getting it right, showing my commitment, being the best I could be might lead to a permanent contract, and thus stability and financial security.

So, last week it came to crunch time. I interviewed for my own position along with potentially 1-2 more positions in Key Stage One. My lesson was good. My data analysis task was rated excellent. My panel interview went as smoothly as you could hope. I know the kids, I know how the school works, I have the knowledge and experience to make this work.

But they said there was someone better. I will not be needed next year.

Oh no, feel free, I'll just stand here while you punch me in the gut.

I got the call very late at night, and my deputy head - who had said that she wanted me in the job - sounded as gutted as I was. But that's as may be. I went quickly through the stages of grief: only a little denial before anger set in, barely a moment for bargaining before I hit a huge pile of depression. But after a good night's sleep and the first few conversations in the morning, I'd made it to acceptance.

Thursday and Friday were hard. In fact, they sucked. People were either shocked, or consoling, or avoided me. I was disconnected, suffering resurgence of the cricked neck that had plagued me earlier in the week, and feeling rejected and wistful and exhausted.

On the weekend, my body asserted itself, and gave me a sore throat and lost voice: the one complaint that can truly keep me home from work. Go, body. Today (Monday) was spent largely in bed.

The upshot of all this is that it's time to take stock. I've allowed myself to be overcome by this school's demands, which are far in excess of any other school I've taught in, and do not necessarily serve the needs of the pupils any better than systems at other (often much better) schools in which I've taught. There's only so much I can do to reel it in - as long as I'm there and needing a reference when I leave, most of their demands have to be met - but I'm going to try.

I'm going to leave early enough to see full daylight every day.
I'm going to source plans where I can and quit re-inventing the wheel.
I'm going to make sure I have the energy to go to gymnastics.
I'm going to get home early enough to have some alone time every day.
I'm going to use that time to do things for me.

and...

I'm going to start working towards what I really want in life - which is not to be a slave to an education system that lets down its staff as much as its pupils. I have some dreams and some half-formed plans, and I'm going to do at least one thing every day that is a step on the road to getting there. I got out of mainstream education once, and fell back into it... time to look at getting out again.

New look, proposal and more ...

As you can see, I have spent the past two hours giving the blog an overhaul. The old template had gone a bit wonky thanks to blogger updates, and it was time for something new. As well as installing the new template, I've refreshed my links list and added 'About' and 'Contact' pages at the top. I also now have my very own 'favicon' - if you un-favourite and re-favourite the blog you should see a teeny-tiny pink rose on the tab in your browser instead of the orange blogger symbol. I hope to eventually come up with a better favicon using my graphic art skills, but a miniature of my favourite photograph is good enough for now!

I had a request on facebook to blog about "the proposal". To be perfectly honest, it wasn't a big flashy moment, but a very quiet and private one. In true Christine-and-Ellie style it was quite pragmatic and ended with a shared laugh. We both know how special what we have is, and this was a logical step. We're in love, we're getting married... pretty much all there is to it!

We've now got a few things booked, and I have lots of paper samples on order. I've been busy designing our own wedding stationery, which we will either print ourselves (depending on printer prices) or get printed at a local print-shop using paper ordered from a supplier. I'm learning a lot about the paper types available in A5! Laid and wove and silk art and hammer effect... fascinating. Can't wait to see the samples.

School goes back next week, so I might be supplying again as early as Wednesday. I feel unready to go back, as I always do. I've been lucky enough to have a proper holiday this year, with only house reorganisation and cleaning to get done, and getting back into the swing of working is going to be hard. Having an income again will be nice, though!

Autumn is gathering pace here. We went for a ramble the other day, the three of us, to see what we could see. The first fallen leaves are gathering on the ground. Conkers and beechnuts are ripening and coming down. We spotted the berries of holly, yew, elder, bramble and numerous others as yet unidentified. We even ate some blackberries - D's first, and he was rather impressed (especially as I've been drumming the "wild berries are good for birdies not for people" lesson into him on our daily walk to nursery hehe). I had a few too, my first fruit since starting the low-carbohydrate diet in February. They were amazingly sweet (except the couple of not-quite-ripe ones I accidentally chose, which were delightfully tart). We had  a lovely time and D is becoming amazingly confident in his knowledge of plants. Hearing him describe how to treat a nettle sting with dock leaves is too precious!

I've now lost two stone (28lb/12.7kg), bringing my weight down to 143lb (65kg/10.2st). I have 14lb/6kg to go until my weight is back in the healthy BMI range. It's now time to start reintroducing a few of the restricted foods and seeing how my body copes with them. I have found low-carb eating so beneficial that I never want to go back to eating sugar and grains on a regular basis, but I will be glad to have fruit, plain yoghurt, carrots, sweet potato, legumes and dark chocolate back. They'll be reintroduced slowly and carefully with lots of monitoring, and in conjunction with an increase in exercise, specifically cross-fit style body-weight training. Prepare for a lot of moaning about sore muscles! But it will be worth it.

I think that's all the news for now. I am making it a goal to update once a week from now on!

Faith, equality and deception

Yesterday I had my first ever English parents' night. 28 parent interviews at 5-minute intervals. It was a long night, but mostly positive, and with some insights and breakthroughs that have put me on rather a high.

However, the process got me thinking a lot about what one tells others about oneself. The parents told me (probably unconsciously) many little facts about themselves and their family life during the interviews. I shared the occasional relevant thing about myself as well, but I found myself constantly on guard about what I felt I should not reveal.

I'm "out" at work to the staff - they all know that I have a girlfriend, and so far as most of them know, I'm only into girls. No one has a problem with it, and although I get a little bit of excess curiosity from the older staff members, generally it passes without comment (or with only friendly comments). I have not talked about my faith at work, and I deliberately choose not to wear pentacles/trees of life etc around my neck. Lesbian they can probably deal with, lesbian witch might be too much.

But, I would never have hesitated to wear a cross or a St Christopher...

I am careful not to out myself to the parents, either as a lesbian or as a pagan. On my class ethnicities list, two sets of parents identified as 'no religion' and one as Hindu, and the remainder are equally divided between Christian and Muslim. About half of the Christian kids are from white English families and I suspect they are not devout (I'm trying to remember a quote from Pratchett and Gaiman's "Good Omens" - when they avoid going to church, CofE is the church to which they steadfastly avoid going). But regardless, they felt it important enough to enter on their childrens' enrolment records. I do know that one family is serious enough that their child is not allowed to be read anything involving witches, ghosts or anything "dark".

I have no idea how many of the class parents hold homophobic views... and just about everyone seems to be wary of, if not actively antipathetic towards, pagans. Legally, they're not allowed to mind that someone of an alternative religion or sexuality is teaching their children. Morally, they're allowed to think what they want as long as they keep it to themselves. But it's very, very murky ground. It only takes one parent making a fuss, and there are so many things that parents can fuss about when it comes to teachers. A parent objecting to my faith or sexuality would never have to mention either in order to make my job a living hell.

So I keep silent, and it feels dishonest. But what price honesty?

And yet, every day in class, when the children aren't around to listen, I talk cheerfully to my headscarfed, Muslim teaching assistant about my lesbian relationship. She knows all about E and has shown not one iota of disapproval or concern. What she thinks privately I have no idea, but she is comfortable with the idea enough to ask how E is and discuss my weekends with her and ask about her son. I was wary the first time I mentioned E to her, not knowing what the reaction might be, but feeling that as I work so closely with her it would be a strain to hold back. I'm glad I did tell her, as it's been a very healthy demonstration of the fact that mere faith does not define most people.

So I hide my true self from the parents of the kids in my class. They could all be like my TA - cool with it regardless of their own beliefs. But it only takes one who isn't.

I would never hesitate to wear a cross. I would never hesitate to mention a male partner.

Equality in the law is nearly there. Equality in the community is patchy. I just want to be my whole self.

Almost there...

It's two days before the end of term. I've been AWOL for a while, I know... the whompingness of my life has kept me fairly silent as I work through it.

The class I've had have been difficult and generally un-fun, so I've been hating school and wishing desperately that I'd chosen a different career. Again. I'm so burned out that I can't imagine going back to a full-time, classroom teaching position in 5 weeks' time :( I want to do a sideways shuffle into museum education. Just have to find a job! It's been 5 years but I have finally started to miss the heritage sector. So I've got a long stretch of job applications coming up.

Life otherwise has been pretty stable ... sightseeing, running in the park, learning to live with a partner, generally getting on with the business of becoming.

And trying not to fall into my usual pattern of life!

The other thing that has kept me from blogging is a sad mystery. A friend - more than a friend - has suddenly withdrawn from me. She won't answer my messages, won't talk to me in chat programmes, ignores threads in which I've commented, etc. I don't know why, and I don't understand. I'm angry and hurt and don't know what to do about it. I have issues with being abandoned by loved ones, and every fibre of my being wants to flail around madly shrieking and prodding and doing anything I freaking can to get her attention and make her snap out of it. I know that's an unhealthy reaction so I'm sitting on my hands and trying to alternate pretending that I haven't noticed with just not going near her online. Neither is satisfying. There's nothing I can do except grieve and hope that she comes around before I decide that too much damage has been done.

I'm not taking a full 5 weeks' holiday this summer (I need money before that, so I'll have to get work of some sort whether it's ongoing or not!) but I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks' rest, and an SCA trip to Wales as a bonus! It should be a good summer, I hope.

Lost and Found

Sometimes life whomps you so hard and so unexpectedly that there's nothing you can do but sit back and wait for it to stop. You can't rationalise or plan or do anything really except let the feelings come and go and accept them as they pass.

The past 11 days have been like that for me.

Tuesday of the week before last, I went to a Bi Underground meeting in a north London pub. It was just a social thing, and I was hoping to meet other fun, geeky, open-minded people to hang out with. Nothing too challenging.

After about half an hour, a guy walked in (henceforth, SK). My eyes met his.

WHOMP.


We've now been 'officially' together for a little over a week, and it is amazing. We are on the same page and in sync in so many ways that it's just scary and bizarre that we met in such a random way. This one is really, really, really good. For 5 days I was completely delirious with excitement.

WHOMP.


On Thursday my favourite London school offered me, via my recruitment company, a 6-week supply posting covering a teacher that's been called up for jury duty. She'll be out until the end of the school year, securing my income until the summer holidays, which is a fantastic relief.

WHOMP.

On Sunday night I had trouble sleeping, and on Monday on my way to work, my mobile phone rang. It was my brother in Perth, and right away I knew what it must be. My beloved grandfather Paul had passed away peacefully mid-afternoon Perth time. He had dementia and repeated lung infections and was in a nursing home, and we knew he could go at any time. I knew I wouldn't be home for it when I left, but that's no consolation now.

WHOMP.

One of my aunts did offer to pay for me to go back to Perth for the funeral, but not only would I lose income, I'd also lose this extended posting at the school, and probably wipe out any chance of a year-long job with them after the holidays. It wouldn't be worth it to go home. But I feel such a terribly long way away from my family. Mum is missing me dreadfully (even though she told me not to come back for the funeral, she wishes I was there) and I just want to hug my family and be near them right now.

I miss my grandfather so much. It was time and more for him to go, but now I will never, ever hear his voice again. It's taken me a few days to come to grips with the sadness - through the week I've been putting on a brave face and coping as well as I can, but as the surreal feeling fades and the reality takes hold, I'm falling down inside.

Dickens had it right - it was the best of times and the worst of times. I can't balance up the amazingness of finding SK and the relief of this teaching position and the grief of losing Paul. It won't all fit in my head.

I feel whomped.

So I'm drifting and waiting for it all to make sense again.

... LONDON!

I am really, really, really actually here.

Really.

Huh.


I've had two very full days so far. On Sunday I arrived, got to my little room in my little shared flat, unpacked, then got out and did some sightseeing. I sat out on the open top of a red double-decker tour bus! It was just as fun as it sounds, but colder :P I nearly froze but got a good overview of the layout of London and a good idea of what I want to see first.

In the evening I went to the 6:30pm at Southwark Cathedral, which I've picked out as my church while I'm living in my current place. I've signed up there to get involved with the server team once I've settled in a bit.

Today I had my orientation with the recruitment company, got my first two days' work lined up, opened a bank account and got my salary packaging organised.  All very productive! I've got tomorrow off and I'm meeting a friend from high school for lunch.

Some impressions and notes:

1) OMFG Nelson's column. WHAT. I knew it existed but it's ten times as tall as I imagined o_O
2) Gilding - we just don't gild things in Australia much at all. But it's everywhere in London - statues, clocks, bits and pieces everywhere. It's so unexpectedly bright and shiny in so many places.
3) I have to get over being gleeful about pretty Victorian buildings. Old has a different meaning in this place :D
4) "Road" and "straight line" are mutually exclusive terms.
5) Cobbles are not so much fun when you have to walk on them while tired.
6) It is decidedly odd to get £1.01 change when buying something for £3.99 with a £5 note. Strange not to have to round.

I'm having a great time so far. I like my little room in my little flat, I love the area I'm living in, and I'm looking forward to being back in the classroom again.

Right now, all is good :)

Farewell, School Number 2

I cleaned out my desk and shelves at the Montessori school today, said goodbye to my co-teacher, and left.

I'm not really sad to be leaving. The ridiculous parent attitudes, the school's role as a social "too hard basket" and the effects of the financial crisis have made this a torrid year. I'm sorry that my early enthusiasm about the school was shattered. The year started out with such promise:  a good job in a gorgeous school a suburb away from where I grew up, teaching in a child-oriented and relaxed environment. It seemed so wonderful. But underneath the shiny exterior was a seething mass of bitter untrusting parents, disrespectful and disengaged children, insular teaching cliques, and politics, politics, politics! I was exhilarated when I started, and thought that I would stay for years. I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way, but at the same time I'm glad I didn't get drawn in and enmeshed with all the craziness. I'm still free to walk away, and I'm walking to something even more wonderful. Next year is going to be glorious!

I'm a little sorry for my co-teacher too. She's losing a very strong co-teaching arrangement, but has to carry on the class regardless. At least most of the really nasty families are not coming back next year, so she will have a nice class to work with.

I'm going to miss my kids, and particularly the little choir I built up out of nothing. The kids sang their hearts out at the family gathering on Wednesday night. When I get a copy of the video I'll post a bit here - the quality won't be good enough for me to worry about posting it like I would with a photo. They sang beautifully and the parents were blown away - one mother told me afterwards that her 6-year-old son had never even mentioned that he was in the choir, so they were blown away when they saw him up there singing! They were also all so pleased that the kids sang a capella, so they could actually be heard. And here was me worrying that it would be odd without backing music! It was a real triumph and I'm so proud of those kids! I will miss that kind of achievement, but new experiences await. And who knows, when I find a permanent position at a school in London, I might just make music there too.

I went shopping after my trip to school. I got all but one of my Christmas presents, along with a bright pink leather cover for the ebook reader I'm getting from Dad, and four t-shirts to supplement my summer wardrobe. A very satisfying exercise.

As you can see in the sidebar, it's now only 140 days until I leave for London. It was 186 days away when I decided that I was going. Time flies!

Last Days

School ends at lunchtime tomorrow, so I've got just over a day left at this school, plus the "family gathering" this evening. It hasn't really sunk in yet that I'm not going to be here in a few days. Right now the classroom is so full of life - Christmas decorations everywhere and glitter all over the floor - that it's hard to comprehend that on Friday morning I'll be packing all my things away and taking them home.

There's some things I'll miss and some I won't, but I'm having trouble focussing on reflections about my Montessori experience. The adventure that's waiting for me in May is so overwhelming that it's eclipsing all other considerations!

I've found evenings a bit strange this week. I've had nothing to do for school - no presents to create or cards to write or reports to finish. So I dragged out my writing again and started examining my abortive 2008 NaNo, of which I wrote 8000+ words before stalling out.

I realised two things about it. The first was that I was writing it from the wrong POV. It's a YA fantasy and it lacked immediacy, which will be solved if I write it in first person. The second was that I was trying to tell too many stories at once. The original story had got lost amongst several other stories that had crept in. At first I cut out a whole section of plot, but eventually I realised that I'm going to have to start over and take the story in a different direction (literally, in fact - the characters are heading into the wilds rather than to the city!). Irritating, but at least I'm writing again.

I'm being a lazy teacher today - I'm sitting at my computer while the kids colour in, do craft and play on the computers. I've got Christmas carols playing on iTunes giving the classroom a dreamy chilled-out feeling. It's very pleasant really!

Sick :(

Everyone seems to be getting sick this week, me included. My co-teacher was off sick Tuesday and Wednesday, and when I got home Wednesday (yesterday) I felt really off and weird - earache and funny vision. When I spoke to Mum yesterday evening, she said the headache virus she's getting over started the same way; and when my housemate got home she said she'd been achey for 24 hours as well. Plus one child spent Tuesday in the corner of the room with a headache. So I realised yesterday that I was basically doomed. I wanted to phone in this morning but since my co-teacher had been away it would've been really hard for her to work out what was going in if I called in sick, so I went. I was okay until lunchtime (at which time another child went home sick!) but then it hit hard and I had to teach music sitting down and used a CD to teach them a song because I could barely stand and couldn't take a proper breath let alone sing! I told the principal & registrar this afternoon that there was a chance I'd be off tomorrow and they said "don't take the chance, take the day instead" lol. So I'm staying happily in bed tomorrow and getting over it!

My ears ache, my throat aches, my body aches, my eyes are weird and I keep saying things wrong or mis-typing and thinking feels all foggy. Not well!

PS: 13yo sis changed her Facebook relationship status to "in a relationship" last night. @*&#^%*!

Not Having a Wonderful Day

This morning a child tried to hurt me for the second time in two weeks. Last week he dug his fingers into my hand while shaking hands (the morning handshake is a normal Montessori thing), and that's my bad hand so I ended up having to ice it and not being able to lift anything heavy all day; and this was after I'd previously and clearly warned him that I had a sensitive hand and his handshakes had to be careful. Today he 'patted me on the shoulder' so hard that my shoulder was still aching two hours later. I immediately went and told the principal, nearly crying, and the principal had a LONG chat with him then a talk with both of us and the child accepted that he'd done the wrong thing and understood why it was a problem (he's a very defiant, confused and complicated child, behind academically and socially too) so that was somewhat okay, but it didn't make me feel great.

Then my co-teacher made a mistake in dealing with a child that allowed a child to make a false accusation against her - for the second time. She went home feeling sick (and partly because the principal was concerned that the child's parents would be violent towards her), so I was left all on my own with the kids all afternoon. We had an alright afternoon, it was okay, just exhausting because I was trying to be two people and deal with twice as many questions and queries all afternoon. And I'm upset with her for being so thoughtless, furious with the parents and the trouble-making kids for putting her in that position, and generally irritated at the whole Parent vs Teacher mentality that allows children to get away with monstrous disrespect and hide behind their parents' blindness.

So I get home eventually, knowing that we have a rent inspection tomorrow. We're going to hit the dusting and mopping when my housemate gets home, which is fine, but I spent my after school time doing two loads of washing, tidying various things, moving boxes, and generally getting the house ready for cleaning. In the process I managed to cut my thumb, and seconds later (while still looking at the thing I cut my thumb on), nearly shut Jemima in a door, and did hit her around the head with it by accident. At that point Jem went under the bed to sulk and I lay down on the floor and cried like I'd wanted to since the kid hit me this morning. I still feel like howling but I managed to pull myself together and go make dinner. I still need to wash the dishes, and my housemate still isn't home so there's still the wiping and dusting and sweeping and mopping to be done together when she gets here. I'm not tired exactly, just emotionally worn out and wanting to have a really good cry, preferably not while on a floor. What a day!

On the upside, I'm getting an even better laptop than originally planned - they can't do it in purple in the time frame, so I'm getting the black one but with enhancements as compensation. I'm going to buy one of those stick-on vinyl tops, probably using one of my own photos of UWA, to customise it. It'll probably be even cooler that way than with purple, and I can change it if I get bored :D This laptop is going to be all kinds of awesome.

Addendum: the house is clean, and I'm about to have a lovely shower then an even more lovely glass of Bailey's as I settle into bed with a book. I had a chat to Mum and a long extended whinge to my housemate and I'm feeling much better now. I rather suspect there's something hormonal going on, on top of everything else!

Okay now :)

I spun for a couple of days but I've got my equilibrium back and I'm feeling alright again. Well, apart from the fact that I've got a sore throat! But mentally I'm okay.

I got around to taking out a gym & pool membership at the local leisure centre yesterday, and got my fitness plan recommendation back today. No offence to anyone who reads this and works in fitness, but fitness people are NUTS. This woman wants me doing an hour or more of weights & cardio three times a week plus cardio on my off-days, right away. Um, NO. That's called dead. I'll start off with a fraction of what she's suggested and work up from there. Crazy lady.

This has been a good week at school - lots of compliments from the principal, relationship-building chats with kids' parents, and a child hugging me because I fixed his hat (it needed sewing back together) after I comforted his floods of tears and exhaustion the previous day. I'm feeling quite fulfilled and at peace again.

Very tired though. I should be in bed but I'm having such a nice time poking the internet and chatting to my housemate (who is poking the internet and chatting to me) that I don't want to break it up!

I picked up my ring today :)

It's so pretty and sparkly! Simple and subtle but lovely. I'm very happy with it and glad that I bought it.

I've had a few off days this week - I've been working through some grief issues that resurfaced around reminders of Aspergers and relationship issues. Nothing too dramatic but it cost me half a night's sleep on Sunday night. I'm still a bit mind-numbed from that bad night.

I finally managed to get my Murdoch password issues sorted today, and I'm officially enrolled in two units! *squee* I'm taking Introduction to Creative Arts and Introduction to Computer Science this semester. I'm expecting the latter to be a breeze (first-year level arts unit? Psh!) but the CS unit will be a huge challenge. I'm looking forward to it though! I just hope my computer stands up to the software lol.

School is going fine, and yesterday the ICT teacher (who is a guy in his 40s or 50s) told me that he was really impressed by how I handle the kids at the swimming pool when we take them to their swimming lessons. I was really touched, because the compliment was given in private and he has nothing to gain by 'cultivating' me so it was a genuine compliment that he went to the effort to pay. It means a lot, especially given how many bitchy and negative people have participated in my development as a teacher so far! The kids are very frustrating at the moment - the swimming lessons wear them out and the heat is getting to them, so they're ratty and bratty and whingy. The boys also all seem to be going through a stage where they want to be able to dish out insults and so on as 'joking around', but can't take it in their turn, so we're constantly having kids complaining that someone else called them a name, right after we've heard them call the other child a name first! It's driving my co-teacher and I up the wall.

Very tired today, early night for me!

Still on Dialup :(

Broadband should be connected soon, apparently. *sigh*

I'm really enjoying the new school. The kids are lovely, apart from a couple of somewhat cheeky and easily distracted boys, but they'll learn where the line is soon enough. The whole school has a very pleasant atmosphere and I'm just loving it. Even if I did get bitten by an ant while on lunch duty today!

I'm feeling very comfortable, like I've come home and never need to leave again. It's nice.

3, 2, 1

Two days of weekend and then the kids walk into the classroom for the first day of school, 2009. I can't wait to meet them all! I'm not the least bit nervous. I'm looking forward to it.

My ankle produced a nice 'egg' of swelling where the organ landed, and there's a faint but very blue bruise covering a fair area of my ankle, and a red line where the edge dug in. The swelling has gone down now and the stiffness has disappeared, which is a great sign after only one day! But I suspect the bruise will get darker before it gets better. At least it doesn't hurt any more.

Dad was rather amused at me for having injured myself in such a matter, but as he put it: "people mend, whereas we always regret it if we break things that matter to us." Very true. I'd rather have a bruised ankle for a couple of days than have a permanently smashed electric organ in my carport! He also says he'll come and play with the electronics in the thing and see if he can get it working again. Yay! He's got some sort of electrics qualification as part of being a fridge & aircon installer and repairer, so he knows what he's doing lol.

I've only been back in Perth two weeks, but I've had to break out my diary to start keeping track of social engagements! Which is totally weird, but wonderful. I caught up with "the uni girls" for dinner this evening, I've got a lunch at Mum's tomorrow, dinner with a friend (male, and yes, potentially could morph into a date, eeek) next Friday night, and coffee with a friend from high school on Saturday next. So many people want to see me, it's lovely :)

Quick check-in

Yes, I'm still alive :)

I've been at the new school for two days now and it's delightful. Everyone is nice, everyone is relaxed (even when they're frantically busy!), everyone is helpful, everyone seems to love their job. My co-teacher is great fun and my classroom is gorgeous. The whole thing just feels right.

And I scored an electronic organ! It recently stopped working and the school can't really afford luxuries like repairing an organ they don't need and only inherited in the first place, so they were just going to get rid of it until I sputtered and put my hand up and asked if I could have it. So I borrowed Dad's trailer today and brought home an organ. I'm still waiting for G (housemate) to get home to help me get the thing OFF the trailer, mind you. And I won't get it repaired until I've got the money. But once I've repaired it, it's mine! Mwahahaha!

Anyway . . .

I'm happy, the living arrangements are working out really well (G and I are two peas in a pod and we work perfectly as housemates, I couldn't be more pleased), and I feel like crying every time I reflect on how lucky I am. This is a good thing!

Adding: G decided to go late night shopping, so I decided to go get the organ off the trailer by myself, despite it being a huge heavy thing. This went fine until I stood it upright. I managed to catch my ankle with either the foot or a pedal as I was trying to prevent it from dropping the last 10 centimetres and slamming into the concrete. So now I've got my ankle elevated and an improvised icepack on it (farewell frozen beans, I never really loved you anyway). There's already a spectacularly blue line of bruising where it landed, and I'm just hoping I haven't done any internal damage. I most definitely do not have time for that!

I did, mind you, stop the organ from slamming into the concrete :D

*blinks*

It's really odd when one's past and one's present collide.

Back in September 2005 I attended a Railway Heritage conference in Tamworth NSW and gave a presentation about what happens when a railway line is stripped and used as a public walk trail. It was called "Railways as an Archaeological Resource: Relics, Recognition and Reuse".

Part of the conference package was that attendees were to receive a copy of the written version of the papers presented at the conference. I chose not to turn mine into a paper - it was a great presentation but as it was only observations and heritage & conservation commentary I decided it wasn't substantial enough for a paper. I was still supposed to get copies of the other papers, but I'd completely forgotten about it.

Since that conference, I've moved states and changed careers. So it was extremely weird to get a call from the organiser at the University of New England (New England NSW, not New England in the USA), wanting to find out my current postage details so that they could send me my copy of the papers! I'm sitting here in a small town with one more uni degree and a year's teaching experience, and this ghostly hand reached out from my archaeology past to give me something I'd forgotten I was getting. Most peculiar!

Giving that presentation was one of my earliest steps on the road to healing, too. I was terrified of public speaking throughout my undergrad uni days - I got used to it, sure, but I never liked it. Offering to do a conference paper was so out of my depth that I wondered if I'd gone mad. But I wanted that opportunity. I was sick with nerves beforehand, and I was trembling so much when I started that I wasn't sure I could hold the laser pointer steady enough for it to be any use . . . but my presentation worked. I was talking about railways to a room full of railways buffs, which has got to have helped :D They laughed when I wanted them to laugh, they were very interested in what I was talking about, and they used up the entire question time afterwards asking me stuff (and stuff I could answer, too!) and just discussing what they'd seen. It was a true "oh wow!" moment for me, when I finally began to have some sense of myself as existing outside of my insecurities. I must find out sometime whether the video that was taken on the day is available. I'd like to be able to watch that and remember how much courage that day took, and how far I've come since then.

These days, get me in front of an audience and I'll never shut up :)