Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Feeling Weird

Before I get into my random musings, I'm disclosing that I'm utterly beyond exhaustion and into some strange realm beyond it. The past week has been insane, with its phys ed and dance and drama and music and a group presentation and work and two after-midnight bedtimes in three days. Tired doesn't even begin to cover it.

But the weird feeling isn't much to do with the tiredness, it's merely making it more pronounced.

I guess it's because the end of the year is coming closer. Within the next eleven weeks I'll find out which school I'm going to be teaching in next year, and the future will really be on my doorstep. It's well over 18 months since I decided to actually become a teacher, and probably around 20 years since I first had the idea of being one. Suddenly it's almost here, and the proximity is dizzying.

The feeling is not dissimilar to the breathless moment on some rollercoasters when the carriage has slowly ground its way to the top of the first hill, and is teetering in a momentary pause before plunging down the incline and onto its wild careening pathway.

This moment of inhalation before the plunge comes with a strong feeling that everything should be moving forward, and that some things will be left behind.

I’m thinking more and more about the things I want to leave behind.

The people who bring out the worst in me, and the people in whom I bring out the worst. The people who use me and the people who drag me down. The people who’ve grown so comfortable in their assumptions about me that they don’t know me at all, who speak to some imaginary me that exists only in their own minds.

Beyond people, there are feelings I want to leave behind. I’ve never been courageous enough to write this down before, but I’m a food addict. I want to leave that behind. I want to be healthy and to enjoy life without obsessing about what I’m going to taste next. I want to be as fit and active as I can be, not as I should be.

I want to leave behind the emotional issues that got me addicted to food in the first place. I want to learn to value myself, and to leave behind the childhood lesson that my parents didn’t value my presence, as much as they loved me. I want to leave behind the fact that my peers didn’t value my strengths because of my differences. I want to leave behind the fact that I didn’t value my own strengths because of my differences.

I want to leave behind my fears of inadequacy and failure and the traps and pitfalls of underachievement and misery that they cause.

I want to stop hiding and start living. I want to leave the darkness and emerge into the light. I want to go weeks without wanting to cry, not hours.

I want to get a life, and keep it for more than a year without everything falling apart. I want to build and grow and decorate and nest and create comfort. I want every day to be worth something.

I want to move on.


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