Well, I did it . . .

About half an hour ago I phoned S and told him that I'd been thinking it over and had decided that we should just call it quits because I didn't think we were going to work things out. He basically just said "okay" which was both relieving and maddening in a way! He was either relieved or just didn't care. Hard to tell. We're going to try to meet up on Thursday to swap back anything we have that belongs to the other, and then that will be it.

The phone call was short and amicable, but I still cried afterwards and had to call Mum. I'm sad that a relationship that had such promise at the start didn't work out, and I'm sad that S turned out to be so different to the person I thought he was to start with. I know I did most definitely love him once, but the way he's treated me over the past eight weeks has killed that off completely. I feel angry and frustrated that I wasted so much time appeasing and coddling him when it turned out that he was going to take me for granted no matter what I did; and I feel like I've been betrayed because I put so much trust and effort into a relationship with someone who was not prepared to do the same. I'm not sorry it's over, but I'm sorry it had to be this way at all. 

I am now just trying to remind myself that I am a good person, a worthy person, and I deserve better than a guy who is going to treat me like that. There are, as they say, plenty more fish in the sea (if I hear that one more time . . .). In the meantime, I'm going to stay here for two more years so that my position becomes substantive and I can pick and choose my jobs in the future. I'm going to nest a bit and make this house my home for the rest of the time I'm here. Beyond that, I have no particular plans, and I'm enjoying the feeling of just being able to relax and enjoy life day-by-day for a while.

Here's to the future!