Warning Bell

Up so early feel so bright
Didn't get much sleep last night
Freight train rattled through my head
Whistle blowing love is dead
Is dead

Heart attacked by fear and doubt
Won't be long till the truth comes out
First impressions never last
Lovers bonds they hold so fast

Restless future burning bright
The past is holding on so tight
Never heard the warning bell
And I just want to wish you well
I just want to wish you well

~ "Wish You Well", Bernard Fanning

I've quoted this song before, and in rather similar circumstances. But then, like now, I did hear the warning bell and was not altogether surprised when the time came. 

S and I have pretty much broken up, at least for the time being.

I have mentioned in a couple of posts that S and I were having a bit of trouble because he was very busy. I haven't really blogged about how he was acting weird and had pulled away all of a sudden and had stopped being affectionate, and how I wasn't coping too well with my wonderful boyfriend suddenly turning into an emotionless brick wall. Probably I should have blogged about it more.

Yesterday arvo I was down in Perth and sent him a text to let him know that I was there and could drop in before driving home if he wanted me to. I thought he would say no but he said I could come around. I was thinking I would hang out for 15 minutes or so, chat about our weeks, give him some hugs and support, and then drive back here again. I don't know how it happened exactly but we got on to the topic of what's been going on. We didn't argue at all, just talked it all out (and cried a lot). He's very lost and confused and doesn't know what he wants any more, and feels that he needs time to sort things out. He's doubting his teaching ability (prac does that to people) and scared over his parents' health issues, and for some reason he just can't have me in his life while he gets it all sorted out. He told me he didn't want to lead me on because although he still thinks he loves me, he's not sure whether the relationship is working, and he wants to take a break from it and not make any plans for the time being.

He's got two more weeks of prac and then it's school holidays for two weeks. I told him that we could take a break and revisit our relationship by catching up for coffee in the middle weekend of the holidays, and he agreed to that. But I don't know how it will go. I've been reading the warning signs for a couple of months now, and there's a lot of grief going on. I have to start preparing myself for the idea that he's not coming back, and if he does, I may have got to the point where I've processed so much emotion that I can't reconnect. I warned him that a break might sacrifice any further chance for the relationship, and he accepted that but didn't waver.

And I'm torn on how to feel . . . he's treated me like crap these past couple of months and if that's how he handles stress then I'm not so sure I want to be with him anyway . . . what if he abandoned me emotionally when we had small children, for example? Abandonment is not something I'm prepared to put up with in a relationship.

I think I did finally get that through to him how much he was hurting me with that behaviour. I explained how his behaviour appeared from my end, and asked him "what if I suddenly stopped saying 'I love you' or anything like it to you?". He shrugged and said "I probably would have asked straight out what was up". I *didn't* slap him, but patiently pointed out that I had in fact done that repeatedly and he'd either dodged the question or got hysterical and accused me of doubting him. He kind of went "...oh" and a light bulb came on lol. 

I'm glad we had the talk and that I now know exactly what is going on, although in some ways a break is harder than just breaking up, because it's more doubt and indecision. But it also frees me up to make some decisions of my own, and part of me is just a little bit excited at the idea of futures other than the one we've been constructing for the past 11 months. But most of me is just sad and torn and weary.

I don't know what I want.