I would really . . .

. . . like to stop dreaming about my ex-best-friend (see the January 2008 archives, post entitled "Closing a Door").

I've been dreaming about her every other night lately. The dreams usually skip over the "how we became friends again" bit and place us somewhere in the future where we're friends again, talking about exciting parts of my future like my wedding or names for my children.

I'm sure this has been stirred up by the fact that I've been thinking a lot about bridesmaids lately, due to the way things with S are progressing :-). For twelve and a half years of my life, there was no doubt at all that J would be my chief bridesmaid when I finally got married; now, she won't even be at my wedding. It feels weird and wrong. It also makes me feel strange about the girls I will have as bridesmaids - they're both girls I've met in the last 18 months as I've drifted away from a lot of my old friends and they're the people who are most important to me now. But one of them wouldn't be there if J was still my friend.

I think J and I could potentially be friends again if we sat down and talked it out, provided that she was prepared to unbend enough to forgive me for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done to her - I still don't know! - and provided that she accepted all of the reasons why I found her behaviour towards me unacceptable. Would it be worth it? Probably not. And I'll probably never know because I doubt she will ever let go of her grudge enough to even come to the table and talk in the first place. But it's unsettling the way my subconscious keeps poking me to want to know.