2008, The Closing Scene

A cool breeze - more like a gale - did finally come up, and that combined with washing my hair had pretty much taken care of the headache. But it was still bugging me a little, so I thought I'd go and take another dose of painkillers, since the others should have worn off by now. I went to find the glass I'd used . . . and discovered that I never took the first lot. The little glass of aspirin dissolved in water was still sitting there, entirely un-drunk.

No wonder they didn't help, and no wonder I had no specific memory of what time I took it - I didn't take it!

I've taken them now, and hopefully the much-abated headache will shortly be gone for good.

So . . . 45 minutes left of 2008. What a year! I've come so unbelievably far this year, and learned so much. I've done things I never imagined I would do, both good and bad. I've gone from a position of great weakness and doubt to such strength and confidence. And I've shrunk by 9kg :) I've finally finished playing the best friend in the movie of my own life (to quote "The Holiday"). I've been through the emotional wringer and come out calmer than I've ever been. It's been great. It's been terrible. It's been both at once.

To quote Dickens, who had rather a way with words:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way."

I have plenty of hopes and aspirations for 2009. Here are some of them, edited from my post on GPYP:

I’m going to spend the year standing up for myself and doing what is right for me. I’m not going to do things that aren’t right for me, even if people try emotional blackmail. No more crazy dances. No more reactivity.

I’m going to spend the year believing in my ability to explore my interests. That means being whole-hearted in my teaching, playing in a concert band, singing in a choir, joining a writers' group, studying hard and living well.

I’m going to learn how to have ‘down time’ again. I have to give back my education department laptop so this is a good time to learn to just BE rather than spending huge blocks of time dithering on the internet while half-watching the TV. I’ll still have my PC and I’ll still have my TV but they are going to be separate and they are going to be limited.

I’m going to lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. I’ve lost 9kg so far and if I can just stick to the weight watchers plan consistently until July I will have lost the remaining 20kg that will put me at the absolute perfect weight for my height. I’m going to be slender again in 2009 and I’m going to stay that way.

Bananaheads will not happen next year. If men happen, they will not be bananaheads.

Above all, I hope 2009 is just a little bit easier than 2008 has been. I'm intensely grateful for all of the soul-growth I've experienced this year, but . . . I can has brake naow? Pleez?

To all my readers, whether you're regulars or passers-by: Happy New Year! And may 2009 be filled with love, wellness, satisfaction, hope and opportunity beyond your wildest dreams.

With all the very best of love,
Signing off for 2008,
Christine.

See you in 2009!

RIP Phyllida.

Owwwww

Last night I couldn't get to sleep until very late, and had to be up at 8:30am because my home owner was coming around at 9 to check out where the roof has been leaking. I fell back into bed afterwards and napped for a couple of hours, but I'm still exhausted, and to top it off I've developed a shocker of a headache that painkillers haven't even dented. It's still 35 C (95 F) at 7:45pm and not looking like it's going to cool off any time soon. I feel sick and sore and exhausted and I have no idea what to do with myself!

So much for chilling out on New Year's Eve! I can't even relax with this headache, and I can't have a quiet drink or two either because I'm going to have to take painkillers again when the ones I've already taken wear off (not that I can remember when I took them, botheration!). I'm going to spend the evening on the couch in front of the air conditioner, nursing my head and dozing until it cools down enough for me to get to sleep. If I make it to midnight then it'll be because it's still too hot to sleep - if it cools I'm going to be out like a light!

All in all, I'm reminded of Terry Pratchett's quirky invention, reannual grapes. They grow backwards in time: you plant them this year and they grow last year. And therefore, the wine made from reannual grapes gives you the hangover the day before you drink it. This feels so much like a hangover - perhaps the bottle of wine chilling in my fridge was made from reannual grapes and I'm going to have a big one tonight after all! :D

Tomorrow I am going to sleep and sleep and sleep. Don't even try to stop me.

Wow!

Today has been an absolute stinker of a day - 42 C (107.5 F) at the maximum, sunny and humid. YUCK.

About 5pm I took a look on the weather radar and saw a rain system near the coast to the north-west, heading very slowly in our direction. It looked weak enough that it might peter out before reaching us, but I crossed my fingers and hoped.

Well, it got here. Oh, did it ever!

First there were a few specks of rain that evaporated before they could sink in. Then there were a few rumbles of thunder.

And then the heavens opened for the most comprehensive rainstorm I think I've ever seen.

Up came the wind, dropping the temperature 10 degrees in 15 minutes, back to an acceptable 30 C. The rain has come, and come, and come - I think it's been pouring down in big drops for an hour now! The ground is thoroughly soaked and there's little streams running off in every direction. And it's still thundering from time to time - I saw a ground strike through the window just a minute ago and leapt out of my skin from the immediate thunder (needless to say I'm on the laptop and it's not plugged into anything). I hope that lightening doesn't start any fires, hopefully everything is too wet for that. According to the radar, this storm cell has just settled over the town and isn't going anywhere, so it could be going for some time yet! I'll post some photos later.

At least it's cooled down!

More On That . . .

The author of Getting Past Your Past talks about "D-BOM" moments. The name comes from the saying "dawn breaking over Marblehead", which is from Massachusetts apparently and, in my own words, means 'finally realising something you immediately realise that should have known already'. The GPYP method of recovery leads to many of these. And in relation to the housemate business, I've had one.

If looking after myself and doing the right thing by myself means letting someone down, then that's OKAY.

Especially if it's someone so utterly unrelated as a potential housemate I've only just met!

The unhealthy me of even a few months ago would have agonised over the decision and probably ended up going through with the house-sharing arrangement because I would not have been able to stand the idea that I was letting this person down. I would have said "but I SAID I would . . . I SAID so . . ." and let fear of others' disappointment or disapproval rule my decision-making process. I would have quailed at the idea of backing out, and convinced myself that it was best to leap in head first and take this opportunity, rather than waiting for the right opportunity to come along. Hell, I've done it enough times with relationships!

But the me of today thought, what does it matter? He's just some guy who's looking for a housemate. He'll find another one. I am under no obligation to him, the universe or anyone else to go live in a suburb I hate in the wrong part of town and make myself miserable for a year, just because some guy might think I'm a cow for changing my mind.

In fact, I realised he's welcome to think I'm a cow for changing my mind. He can even call me one, if it helps. It doesn't make my decision any less right! If he did react that way, his negative emotions would be about him and his needs, not about me and mine. Not my problem.

I have the right to put my needs first!

D-BOM!

Ha!

Christine 1, Bananaheads 0.

On Saturday I had a meeting with a guy who is also trying to set up a share house. We got along alright and it seemed to be viable, so I gave a tentative answer of "yes, start looking and we'll go from there". But on the 2 hour drive home I started critically analysing the guy's actions and words and how they compared, and I realised that he was not as great as he was making himself out to be. When I looked back over the conversation, he talked over the top of me repeatedly, and I had to keep repeating myself because he wasn't actually listening when I was speaking. He was only interested in one suburb (the one adjacent to his work) and wanted all his own stuff in the house ("just sell yours!" - no thanks, I like my stuff). He also wanted to just lie about my having a cat on the rental application, which I was in no way okay with.

When I got home I found an email from another house seeker who is actually looking in the area I want to live (she works a couple of suburbs away from me) which reminded me that there are other options out there. So I sent the guy an email explaining that the suburb he wanted was too far away, and also not really my sort of suburb, because I was a hills girl and wanted somewhere in a natural setting, rather than sterile newly-established suburbia which is where he is looking.

Well, I just got a response, suggesting a place much closer to where I want to live. Okay, but it's a 3x2 apartment that would be WAY too expensive for two people, and with three or more it would be way too crowded (I had said I needed two small rooms or one big one); it'd be totally unsuitable for a cat, and even more sterile and prissy than the suburb we were originally looking at. Way to miss the point! For an added bonus, he also called me Christy instead of Christine. *headdesk*

Not going there. NEXT!

Sunday Weight

I managed to remember that it was Sunday today, despite the general holiday confusion over days and dates.

Weight Today: 72.4

I lost 200g over Christmas.

WTF

I guess this is because of how sick I've been feeling and my general inability to eat much, but still. I lost weight over Christmas. I must be sick.

I feel sick :(

Remember the queasiness I blamed on nerves around the time of the interview? It hasn't gone away, even though the nerves most definitely have. Even when I'm hungry I usually either can't face food at all (throat closes, stomach turns over), or I'll get a few bites into food that my body seems to be accepting, and then suddenly get nauseous and start to gag. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's become quite clear that there is something wrong. This isn't nerves, and it seems to have gone on too long for a virus. I'm going to have to take this one to the doctor. Gah.