This evening I went to the Newcomer's Feast, which will probably be my last SCA event in Aneala (aka Western Australia). I leave in 8 weeks and although there's a couple of events between now and then, I either can't go or they're not major ones.
I had a wonderful time, but after court was closed I got a heavy, sad feeling and although I would normally stay to help clean up, I realised that bailing before bawling is usually the best option. The tears started on the way to the car and lasted most of the way home. I'm feeling a little better now that I'm home and out of my very warm bliaut and showered and in comfy clothes, but I can feel that the tears are still lurking. One of the GPYP tenets is to give sorrow words, so this is me, wording my sorrow.
I have made a whole lot of wonderful friends in the SCA here in Perth. I love the way they play the game, and although I'm still a newcomer and still feel on the outre at times, there are some people with whom I've developed great bonds and friendships, and whom I will miss dreadfully when I leave.
I know I need to go and I would regret turning away and never having the wonderful experiences that are waiting over the horizon in the UK. I need to do this, and yet part of me thinks I'm incredibly stupid to be taking my life apart. Bits of it didn't work at all, but other bits work very well and I feel awful leaving them behind.
I want to be in two places at once, and I can't, and right now I feel like it's tearing me into two pieces.
I also feel lonely at the moment. I watch and admire and adore the couples in good, healthy relationships - I can see pretty clearly which ones are and aren't, these days - and I want that. I know I'm supposed to be building my life and being whole and happy by myself, but sometimes I just want someone else to share things with. I know it will come in time, and I should enjoy the moment, but I right now I'm just impatient. I want real love, and I want it now, damn it.
I'm sure tomorrow I'll get up and go on, but tonight my spirit is sore.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
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2 comments:
You know, those hugs right there^ are going to be just as effective through a computer screen in the UK. Geography might be between you and a lot of people you enjoy being with, but you'll still be able to talk and share and laugh with them! And they'll be here when you come home :)
You're right, thanks to the internet you and the others will never be far away, and I'm certain I'll be back in a few years and everything will be ok.
I think I'll go have a glass of port and curl up with a book - I might get some sleep that way!
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