Thoughts

Whatever he wanted, I didn't have it. I tried constantly to change who I was, acted the martyr, tried to alter myself to meet his needs, but it didn't work, because whatever he wanted, I didn't have it.

That does not mean that I am defective in some way. We are different people. I didn't have something that he values, but that may not be a bad thing from my perspective. What he felt was lacking may be something that falls outside my values, something that I do not value. Maybe even something I would not want to have, would never want to have.

I'll never know why, when things were looking so good, he suddenly pulled away, shut me out, ceased to value me. But on the flipside he will never know that in the end I broke up with him because I became aware that he was lacking things that I value, things that I consider vital.

There is no point trying to figure out what went wrong. It's clear that by the end we were not able to value each other. And I can acknowledge that, in a way, I was responsible for the long, drawn-out ending to the relationship and the associated dramas. When you insist on valuing someone who is not valuing you, and insist on giving to someone who is refusing to give in return, you are devaluing yourself. You are openly inviting the other person to treat you as if you don't matter. Your behaviour says "I don't care enough about myself to do the self-respecting thing and tell you to shove it, so you are welcome to adopt the same attitude". By allowing, and inviting, S to brickwall me for two months I showed him that I didn't have enough self-respect to ditch him for being a jerk, and correspondingly he treated me with a complete lack of respect. Damn.

I've decided that I need some time and space to understand myself better. I can't go on having these relationships in which I teach the guy to disrespect me and then despise him for it. I envy the people who have perfectly healthy relationships with themselves and therefore find keeping that balance of respect and love in a relationship easy. But I'm sure that somewhere in here there is a Christine who can succeed at healthy relationships. I just need to find her, cherish her, build her up, drag her to the front and let her loose on the unsuspecting population!

This term is going to be all about me, and the same with the Christmas period. Back on the straight-and-narrow with Weight Watchers, a few more chats with the counsellor, lots of exercise, lots of time spent doing the things I love. Singing, flute playing, reading, writing, teaching well, celebrating life. I won't quite go so far as to say that I'm not going to get involved with anyone during this time, because I'll feel pretty stupid if I get myself healthy and meet someone absolutely wonderful before my arbitrary time limit is quite finished. But in principle I am going to be single until January 1st at the earliest. At the very least, I will not seek a relationship with anyone until then. If someone wonderful finds me and I'm in the right state of mind by then to make something of it, then fine, but I'm not going to go looking for a relationship. I want to get my own life right first.


Yesterday was a good first step along this road, I think. I went to the races in a country town a couple of hours' drive from here, with a group of friends. I was wearing a dress I bought when I was 7 kilos heavier and correspondingly looked far more gorgeous than the last time I wore it. My make-up was perfect, my hair was cute (I wore a fascinator and it actually stayed in my hair, yay!) and my jewellery was delightfully coordinated. In short, I really looked very pretty and felt it, too. Although I'd never been to a racing meet before, I felt confident, supported by my wonderful friends, and attractive. The whole day I felt centred in myself and ready for anything. It was very pleasant and it was the kind of thing I need to do more often. I need to be out there living or I will never learn how to live as me, instead of a pale shadowy miserable Christine. That's part of my aim for this term - to live vividly.