Feelings

You remember my former best friend, the one who metaphorically kicked me in the guts one time too many and was thus kicked to the kerb?

Well, lately I’ve been dreaming about her from time to time. While I don’t for one minute regret having stood up to her and told her how her behaviour affected me, I am sad that her unrelenting temper means that we will probably never make up. I’ve always forgiven her – that’s how this all started, because I was enraged that after all of the hundreds of times I’d forgiven her for stuff she’d done to me, she was unable to forgive me for something not all that serious – but she is often a judgmental and unforgiving person and I doubt she will ever choose to let go of her bitter feelings about the argument we had.

(You may ask why I would even want to rekindle the friendship given what I’ve just said about her. She does have redeeming qualities even though I spent countless hours either being furious with her myself or defending her to other people. I’m not really sure I would want to be friends again, but I would like to know whether there is anything worth saving).

After I defriended her on Facebook she blocked me completely for a while so I couldn’t even search up her name or click on it in other peoples’ profiles. Today I noticed that she’s clickable again, and I can read her profile, but after a while I discovered that I can’t message her or post to her wall, so I’m still partially blocked. I was considering sending her a message about what to do with various stuff she abandoned in my care when she moved out, but I can’t.

I’m a bit upset about this. She was my best friend for more than twelve years, and she was nice to be with in between the brush-offs, insults, tactlessness, rudeness and failure to stay in contact when it wasn’t convenient. And we shared a lot in the year we lived in the same house. Although I don’t think I’d ever be stupid enough to be the doormat of a best friend again, I would like to think that one day we could at least have a civil conversation or even be at the same event. And we can’t do that while she’s blocking me.

*sigh*



ETA . . . hmmmm. A re-read of this made me realise that I am still very angry with her, generally for all the crap she put me through over the years, and specifically for the fact that she can't forgive me when I've forgiven her so many times. I've also realised that I'm angry with her because she WAS a good friend sometimes, and she betrayed the good-friend-ness over and over again with her narky behaviour. She trashed my trust time and time again, sucked me back in time and time again, and then in the end said that she no longer cared to see me because of something I’d done a year earlier and which she’d never tried to talk to me about. Despite all she’d put me through I thought she was better than that. I’ve always thought she was better than she was, and she’s always let me down. To then blame me for letting her down is so hypocritical that it chokes me up.

. . . perhaps I’m not really ready to make contact yet, after all.