Lost and Found

Sometimes life whomps you so hard and so unexpectedly that there's nothing you can do but sit back and wait for it to stop. You can't rationalise or plan or do anything really except let the feelings come and go and accept them as they pass.

The past 11 days have been like that for me.

Tuesday of the week before last, I went to a Bi Underground meeting in a north London pub. It was just a social thing, and I was hoping to meet other fun, geeky, open-minded people to hang out with. Nothing too challenging.

After about half an hour, a guy walked in (henceforth, SK). My eyes met his.

WHOMP.


We've now been 'officially' together for a little over a week, and it is amazing. We are on the same page and in sync in so many ways that it's just scary and bizarre that we met in such a random way. This one is really, really, really good. For 5 days I was completely delirious with excitement.

WHOMP.


On Thursday my favourite London school offered me, via my recruitment company, a 6-week supply posting covering a teacher that's been called up for jury duty. She'll be out until the end of the school year, securing my income until the summer holidays, which is a fantastic relief.

WHOMP.

On Sunday night I had trouble sleeping, and on Monday on my way to work, my mobile phone rang. It was my brother in Perth, and right away I knew what it must be. My beloved grandfather Paul had passed away peacefully mid-afternoon Perth time. He had dementia and repeated lung infections and was in a nursing home, and we knew he could go at any time. I knew I wouldn't be home for it when I left, but that's no consolation now.

WHOMP.

One of my aunts did offer to pay for me to go back to Perth for the funeral, but not only would I lose income, I'd also lose this extended posting at the school, and probably wipe out any chance of a year-long job with them after the holidays. It wouldn't be worth it to go home. But I feel such a terribly long way away from my family. Mum is missing me dreadfully (even though she told me not to come back for the funeral, she wishes I was there) and I just want to hug my family and be near them right now.

I miss my grandfather so much. It was time and more for him to go, but now I will never, ever hear his voice again. It's taken me a few days to come to grips with the sadness - through the week I've been putting on a brave face and coping as well as I can, but as the surreal feeling fades and the reality takes hold, I'm falling down inside.

Dickens had it right - it was the best of times and the worst of times. I can't balance up the amazingness of finding SK and the relief of this teaching position and the grief of losing Paul. It won't all fit in my head.

I feel whomped.

So I'm drifting and waiting for it all to make sense again.

Hugsickness

I've been a little sad and teary the last few days, and I've been struggling to put a label on the feeling.

It's not homesickness, per se - I don't want to be back in Perth and I'm still very glad to be here in gorgeous, amazing London.

It's not exactly missing my friends. I do miss them, but with the wonder of the internet they're barely more than a few clicks away most of the time (though the fact that the majority were offline because they were doing SCA camping together this weekend didn't help!). I don't feel the bonds of friendship loosening or slipping away at all.

What I'm missing is physical contact.

I don't mean that in a sexual/loving way (though I do miss that too, and there's a certain guy and certain girl who know who they are and whose presence I ache for constantly). I just miss the regular, garden variety, warm, comforting hugs of friendship.

I've been utterly spoiled these last few months. So many wonderful close friendships have sprung up, overwhelmed my life and changed it forever. And I miss, so terribly much, the arms of those people around me.

I'm not homesick, just hugsick. :(

This is not an easy one to solve, either. I know that new friendships will grow, and new people with whom I truly click will appear in my life and become huggy friends. But I have absolutely no control over that process. I can't force it or speed it up. So for the moment I just have to ride out the aches and longing and trust that it'll be okay in the end.

And I think it will.

A Journey to Winchester

Faster than fairies, faster than witches,
Bridges and houses, hedges and ditches;
And charging along like troops in a battle,
All through the meadows the horses and cattle:
All of the sights of the hill and the plain,
Fly as thick as driving rain;
And ever again, in the wink of an eye,
Painted stations whistle by.

Here is a child who clambers and scrambles,
All by himself and gathering brambles;
Here is a tramp who stands and gazes;
And here is the green for stringing the daisies!
Here is a cart runaway in the road;
Lumping along with man and load;
And here is a mill, and there is a river:
Each a glimpse and gone forever!

"From a Railway Carriage", Robert Louis Stevenson (Child's Garden of Verses)

I loved this poem as a child. We had a copy of the Child's Garden of Verses in a "Big Golden Book", and it seemed as a whole to capture the magical Victorian childhood that prevailed in the literature I preferred. "From a Railway Carriage" in particular had an Englishness and magic about it that delighted me and called to me.

I am quoting it here because it was naturally the first thing to spring into my mind as my train to Winchester freed itself from the London suburbs and began its trek through the fresh, spring-green English countryside. This was my first trip outside of London, and despite being tired after a long day's work and a frustrating suitcase-dragging marathon through three train stations, I was excited to be on my way.

Arriving at Winchester I took a cab to The Hospital of St Cross. This is a Hospital in the old sense of the word - a hospitable place. It was founded in c. 1130 as a home for 13 poor men who could not otherwise support themselves. This tradition has continued unbroken to this day with elderly and impoverished lay brothers still living in residence. WOW. The architecture is chiefly Norman with Medieval and Tudor additions. Since then it has been left largely unaltered apart from the provision of modern kitchens and toilet facilities. It's simply stunning, in excellent condition, and just... wow. As a site for an SCA event, it's beyond words.

Those of us without our own tents or the ability to bring them dossed down in the "ambulatory", a hallway of interconnected Tudor rooms accessed by a narrow winding stair. The stair and I were not friends, but I forgave it on account of its age.

That night we ate simple travellers' fare of bread and cheese, and sat listening to readings from Chaucer and da Vinci while sewing pilgrim scrips, hemming veils and the like. Then we repaired to bed (and, if you were me, were called a wuss by hearty Englishmen for feeling the need to fill a hot water bottle for protection against the cold!).

Saturday morning dawned grey and grizzly. We broke our fast again with simple fare, then gathered in the porter's gate to set off in small groups on our pilgrimage to Winchester Cathedral. We were given bread and coin to carry, and a score card on which we could record our answers to the challenges that we would encounter on the way.

It began to rain before all of the groups had departed, and seemed like to continue all morning. This did not dampen our enthusiasm and like the faithful pilgrims of yore we persevered. I was idiotically gleeful about seeing my first buttercups and my first white swan, and covered myself in glory by preventing my own small group of pilgrims from purchasing a spurious relic, having remembered one vital fact about that saint that made said relic impossible (I believe this was the only useful fact I did remember though).

It was nearly noon by the time our cold, wet, hungry band reached Winchester. Before we even got to the cathedral our labours were rewarded with the wholly unexpected discovery of the house in which Jane Austen spent her last days. The Middle Ages were forgotten for a moment while we revelled in Regency lit geek glee.

And thence to the cathedral, which retains some of its original Norman architecture along with various Medieval and Tudor additions and improvements. Our physical state was forgotten as we went into transports over stone, wood, paint, plaster, paper and tiles. We were not allowed to photograph the 10th century Anglo-Saxon document in the gallery, so you must believe us that it was there, and it was amazing. We saw many wonders, including a Norman bench:

Norman stonework:

12th and 13th century painted chapels:

Medieval tiles:

Stunning stained glass:

Jane Austen's grave:

And the whole cathedral itself, which was just too WOW for words:

After a couple of hours we realised that we really were wet, dirty, hungry and thirsty, and went in search of comfort. A hearty English lunch later, we set off nursing take-away hot chocolates and tried to get back to St Cross without any further exposure to the elements.

We didn't get far before we found a second-hand bookshop. This was a problem . . . we were in there for a long time and barely escaped with our wallets intact. I picked up a 1917 copy of the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle for £1, which is a win both for content and for format (ancient lit in a heritage copy? ftw!). I masterfully resisted the 3000 other books I wanted, purely because I could see no feasible way to get them back to London.

I had an archaeologist moment while we were in the bookshop. I believe I said "wow" again ...

And so we ended our pilgrimage at last, and made our way back through Winchester to St Cross.

When we got back to the Ambulatory, it became immediately clear that we needed to be clean and dry ASAP. The other girls, being in rather more sensible ankle-length gowns, fared better, but my floor-length chemise and bliaut suffered rather badly; not to mention my white socks, which had been stained grey by dye from my black shoes, and were thick with mud besides:

The chemise and socks have not come clean, even after two washes. Oops.

After getting dry and as clean as hand-washing would allow, we had time to wander around, mingle and explore.

After the public fighter demo (for which I didn't have my camera), we made time to go and see the St Cross church. It's pretty, Norman and full of interesting bits and pieces. Unfortunately the low light made for fairly poor photographs, but here are some regardless:

Then it was time to change for the feast. With the King and Queen of Drachenwald and the Princess of Insulae Draconis in attendance, it was a spectacular affair. I was a volunteer kitchen helper and spent a lot of the feast running to and fro with platters (in between plentiful time to sit down and eat - I was not deprived of that pleasure!). The food was delicious, and the ambience in the Norman feasting hall delightful. The Court before and after were full immersion experiences, and I was enjoyably exhilarated by the experience. I was also blown away by being (along with all the other kitchen helpers) thanked personally by the Queen and given a little tin of home-made, period hand balm. I've been using it on my hands and elbows since I've got home, and it's great. Another moment in which I was just so glad to be a part of the SCA.

After dinner we cleared the hall and Mistress Judith lead the willing through a couple of hours of dancing. My feet and legs are still sore three days later (thin jazz slippers on stone flagged floors? Not a great idea) but it was a fun, convivial time with lots of opportunities to mingle and dance with some new people. We weren't a-bed until 2am.

Sunday morning was a time of packing up and clearing out. The clergy of St Cross church traditionally offer the SCA pilgrims the opportunity to attend the Sunday services in garb, and myself and two other girls took them up on it this year. The congregation seemed equally bewildered and delighted to see three gowned, veiled girls at the back of their church! For me as a churchgoer it was rather strange and wonderful to combine my love of the Anglican church with my favourite leisure activity. Communion in garb was quite the experience!

After church the moments ticked down towards the farewells. Before we knew it we were saying our farewells and being ferried to bus and train stations. And the train whisked me back to London, the modern day and reality.

Can't blog, too O.O

I'm trying to put a coherent blog post together, really I am. But right now I am just too full of experiences to form an intelligible paragraph about anything.

Suffice to say that London is amazing and wonderful and I'm loving it so far.

I promise there will be details once the taking-my-breath-away thing simmers down to maybe only a few times a day!

... LONDON!

I am really, really, really actually here.

Really.

Huh.


I've had two very full days so far. On Sunday I arrived, got to my little room in my little shared flat, unpacked, then got out and did some sightseeing. I sat out on the open top of a red double-decker tour bus! It was just as fun as it sounds, but colder :P I nearly froze but got a good overview of the layout of London and a good idea of what I want to see first.

In the evening I went to the 6:30pm at Southwark Cathedral, which I've picked out as my church while I'm living in my current place. I've signed up there to get involved with the server team once I've settled in a bit.

Today I had my orientation with the recruitment company, got my first two days' work lined up, opened a bank account and got my salary packaging organised.  All very productive! I've got tomorrow off and I'm meeting a friend from high school for lunch.

Some impressions and notes:

1) OMFG Nelson's column. WHAT. I knew it existed but it's ten times as tall as I imagined o_O
2) Gilding - we just don't gild things in Australia much at all. But it's everywhere in London - statues, clocks, bits and pieces everywhere. It's so unexpectedly bright and shiny in so many places.
3) I have to get over being gleeful about pretty Victorian buildings. Old has a different meaning in this place :D
4) "Road" and "straight line" are mutually exclusive terms.
5) Cobbles are not so much fun when you have to walk on them while tired.
6) It is decidedly odd to get £1.01 change when buying something for £3.99 with a £5 note. Strange not to have to round.

I'm having a great time so far. I like my little room in my little flat, I love the area I'm living in, and I'm looking forward to being back in the classroom again.

Right now, all is good :)

Not Hiding.

Warning: Very Serious Personal Revelations Ahead. May Not Be Comfortable Reading For Some.

One of my goals for this year is to live a 100% authentic life. I no longer care to hide and suppress elements of my personality just because others may not understand or approve.

Being open about my faith was one of these things. People have to accept that I am a Christian (whether they like it or not) or get out of my way, period. I've discovered a few people who think I'm a nut, but mostly people have been supportive and appreciative about it. I've got so comfortable about it now that I can drop the words "and on Sunday after church" or whatever into a sentence without self-consciousness.

There is another thing I want to be open and unselfconscious about, and unfortunately in many peoples' minds it will be completely incompatible with the aforementioned Christian faith. I don't believe it is, but revealing it may mean that some of my strongest Christian friends will pull away.

Still, I'm not hiding any more. Come what may, the friends that accept me for all of who I am are the ones that truly matter.

Which is why I'm putting out there the fact that I am bisexual. I first realised I was when I was 19, but that was an "oh duh" moment; the attraction to women as well as men had been there for as long as I could remember.

I have told only a handful of people this fact, and only in the past year. But I'm really tired of people not knowing. And I'm really tired of believing that I have to keep it a secret because I don't want to rock the boat, or put people off, or because having kids was my ultimate goal and that's so much harder in a girl-girl relationship.

Enough hiding. I am who I am. Wherever it takes me and whatever it means.

Ironically, I suspect that in the balance of things the majority will be more tolerant of my sexuality than my faith . . . *sigh* What a strange postmodern world this is!

Character Interview #1: Eveth

I'm doing a series of interviews with the 10 key characters of my WSTBIP (that's "work soon to be in progress" hehe). These are meant to better develop each character's voice and backstory, and give me a sense of how they will react when the story gets going.

Without giving too much away, the characters are all in their 20s, and have suddenly been nominated by their world's deities as having sorceric powers, and a key role in keeping peace and fairness across the 10 kingdoms that make up their continent. This is unexpected and is the result of the tragic untimely demise of the previous 10 sorcerers. The last set of questions relate to this experience.

The first interview is with Eveth, my MC. She is 25, blonde and a little bit chubby. Please feel free to post more questions for her in the comments - it would be an interesting exercise! Also feel free to throw out ideas, impressions and so on. Anything is useful, really.

Before The Story

Growing Up

What is your earliest memory?

* Going for a walk outside with my older sister. I fell over in the wildflowers and we both did a lot of giggling.

What was your favourite childhood game?

* My sisters and I had a doll each and a play house amongst some trees behind our house. When our chores were done we would spend hours playing house.

How did your parents discipline you?

* They were very firm about boundaries and would give us extra chores if we crossed them. Generally we were pretty good kids.

Describe your Local School experience (7-10yo)?

* I loved learning but felt out of place at the village school. It was a very small school and I was much smarter than most of the kids. They weren’t really curious about anything.

Describe your Forming School experience (11-14yo)?

* Forming school was a very trying time. It was a bigger school but I still stood out. The teachers loved my academic turn, but I was singled out for derision by my generally stolid peers.

Describe your Vocative School experience (15-18yo)?

* I loved vocative school! I went to a university-directed school that none of my siblings had attended. I was new and unknown and with people who understood my feelings about knowledge and the world.

Describe your University experience (19-22yo)?

* University was great. I missed my family but loved being in the city and seeing and learning so many new things. Training as a doctor was a dream come true.

Family

Describe your parents?

* My father is the cornerstone of the family. He is strong, sensible, level-headed and humorous. He is fairly fixed in his beliefs but not afraid to listen to others.

My mother is loving, kind and wise, and very traditional in her beliefs and outlook on the world.

How many siblings do you have? Name and describe them?

* I have three brothers and six sisters. My brothers Phan and Noli are both older than me and married, and Phan has three children. They are both good men and good farmers. My older sister Shai is married and has a son, and lives in the village. She is very house-proud and in love with her little family. My next-youngest sister, Cali, is also married and lives on a farm where she works hard. My younger brother Tor is learning farming at Father’s right hand. My sister Desath is Mother’s helper and expects to be betrothed soon. My three little sisters Ren, Liath and Tireth are all still at school. Tireth is still a little girl and very sweet, but Ren and Liath are going through a silly stage.

How is your relationship with your siblings?

* We all love each other dearly, but I don’t feel like I have anything in common with them these days apart from the in-jokes and secret games of our childhood.

What other blood family members are significant in your life?

* My grandmother was a very intelligent and strong woman, and gave me a lot of inspiration to be everything I have become, before she passed. If we start getting into aunts, uncles and cousins we’re going to have to discuss half the village.

Do you have a spouse or significant other?

* No. I had a few boyfriends at university, but they never amounted to much. I’m from an old-fashioned family and we just wanted different things. I've grown up a bit more now and my expectations are different. I wish I could go back and change some of the things I did and said back then.

Do you have any children? If not, why not?

* No husband yet.

Daily Life

What do you do for work?

* I’m a doctor in the town of Dreana. Myself and several other doctors run a small pay-as-you-can clinic for Dreana and the surrounding villages and farms.

Why do you like your job? Why did you choose it?

* I love helping people and being of service. Every single thing I do makes someone’s life a little bit better. I chose it because it came naturally to me and was acceptable to my parents as a life pursuit for their only academic child!

How do you get to work?

* I ride into town and board during the week, and go home to Glerna on the weekends.

What do you do for fun?

* Read, do intricate beadwork, weave, sew, preserve flowers and essences.

What is your home like? Who do you live with?

* On the weekends I live with Mother, Father, Tor, Desath, Ren, Liath and Tireth. We all live together in the farmhouse my father inherited from his grandfather. It has three levels, white walls, and a high peaked thatch roof. It's a funny old house but we love it. During the week I live with Karal (another doctor) and his wife Mitri. We share three rooms above the clinic. It's a dull house on a dull street, but we try to make it quiet and friendly.

Describe a typical evening at your house?

* At Karal and Mitri’s house we wash up, have dinner, and retire to our own rooms. I work on something until it gets too dark, then go to bed.

At home, we have dinner all together (8 people are never quiet!) then after the chores are done we sit around near the fire, doing small work and talking about anything that comes to mind. It’s cheery and refreshing.


What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
* My life has been pretty mild. Probably my grandmother passing away when I was at university.

What (or who) do you miss that is gone from your life?
* My grandmother.

What (or who) do you miss that you never really had?
* A few boyfriends at university . . . I wish what might have been if we’d been on the same page. I miss the family of my own that I might have now if things hadn’t been different.

What are your attitudes towards your every day life?
* I'm trying to be patient with it. It’s a good life and I'm comfortable and not unhappy. I want more but I don’t know what and how exactly so for now, I’ll just carry on.

How do you feel about change?
* Too much change too often isn’t fun, but occasional change is nice. I don't like getting into a rut.

What's the worst thing you’ve ever done to another person?
* I've had to tell a few patients that they were dying, and tell people that their loved ones are dying or dead. That’s part of my job as a doctor, but it never gets easier.

Who do you hate?
* I don’t really hate anyone. I dislike a lot of the girls I grew up with. They’re so narrow and blinkered.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
* My doctor’s degree. I worked very hard for it and have more education than anyone else from my village. For a woman that’s a massive achievement.

What would you change about yourself, if you could?
* I’d like to lose some weight, and some of my discontent & frustration.

After Anointing

How do you feel about being anointed as a sorcerer?

* I’m overwhelmed. I can’t even begin to imagine why I’ve been chosen. I just keep staring at the marks on my hand and marvelling that Holy Breica has chosen me. I hope I can live up to what needs to be done.

How do you feel about your new powers?

* I'm not sure if I like them. It seems like cheating to be able to do things this way. I was brought up thinking that you must put your back into things to get them done! This is all too easy. And the telepathy . . . wow, my family are close but there’s nothing like meeting someone else’s mind.

What do you like about what has happened?

* This was meant to happen, or the Gods and Goddessess wouldn’t have made it happen. I like knowing that I have an inescapable purpose and am being pulled in the right direction. There was a lot of doubt in my mind back in Dreana. I wasn’t sure whether I was doing the right thing. Now, I must be.

What do you dislike about what has happened?

* I used to think that perhaps I’d feel truly at home in Glerna one day. The right man or the right circumstance and suddenly I'd feel like just one of the villagers again. That’s gone, and I suspect any chance of romance and a family along with it. I hope I'm wrong but what marriage could survive one half being a sorcerer? I still want children, but would I have time to raise them? My life has changed forever.

What do you want to achieve as a sorcerer?

* I’d like to see the Governments take more responsibility for providing health care for their citizens. A government-sponsored clinic in each town would go a huge way to repairing some truly horrible situations.

What do you think you have gained as a sorcerer?

* The ability to do wide-scale good rather than small-scale good.

What do you think you have lost as a sorcerer?

* Connectedness. I've been irrevocably set apart, and I don't know if I can ever reconnect with anyone again.

What do you think will be your biggest challenge now?

* Learning everything I have to learn in order to do this job the way it’s meant to be done. Last week I was a doctor at a town clinic; this week I'm supposed to negotiate with royalty over. How does that work? Where do I start? I'm so lost.

What do you think about the other anointed ones?
* I like most of them. I already know I get along best with Lindon, I like his witty and laid back style. Passira and Calique are both sweeties. Ashamy . . . wow, what a woman! I love her fire. Valo is so quiet, but there’s a sense of humour lurking in there that promises to be good fun once he lightens up. Dahann is a bit much, so outspoken and opinionated. Sirinie is a bit brusque and standoffish, but I suspect that’s shyness? Tal seems like a bit of a stuck-up arrogant git, to be honest. Not sure about him at all.