Trying to Decide

As you know, since earlier this year I've been playing in a well-known concert band. I enjoy concert bands immensely - playing with a large ensemble is a thrill - but recently I've been feeling less and less confident in this one. I'm eighth of eight flautists and very much less competent than the seventh. Some of the repertoire is above my current abilities, and while I don't mind being stretched, it's just becoming frustrating and depressing because I haven't currently got the agility to play the quick frilly bits that are the flute's job in a concert band. I find I'm spending most of my time feeling self-conscious and embarrassed and awkward, instead of revelling in the music.

On Monday I joined in an SCA music group - my very first SCA experience, and a good one! There was one other flautist, several violins, a cello, a harp, several recorders of different sizes, a couple of guitars, a drum, a rebec (!), and a sort of early organ that rests on the player's lap and is operated with a keyboard and bellows. The music was just the right level: not baby stuff, but not so hard that I couldn't actually play it by sight, which was all sorts of fun. The challenge came in playing the descant / harmony lines and keeping to the interesting medieval rhythms and getting faster as some of the dances progressed. It reminded me that I can be a wanted and valued member of a musical group, not a second-class citizen who's only just good enough to be there.

I can do both band and SCA music, and perhaps improve in each via the other, but there's another element. The SCA has a singing group as well, that operates on Tuesdays when I'm normally at band. I haven't found a choir I'm happy with yet, because most choirs seem to be the province of my mother's and grandmother's generations, or uber-elite groups of people my age or younger that I'm sure I'm not good enough to join. So I'm missing out on singing.

If I leave band, I get to do flute AND singing with the SCA, and with at least some people my own age. And people who are really doing it for the pure joy of it, not because they're professional or elite musicians.

If I decide not to do band, I will miss out on taking part in the Christmas Pageant, something I have wanted to do since I was a little girl. But then again, I found marching for ANZAC day quite challenging and not entirely fun, and this would be a much longer march playing a wider range of more challenging pieces. And I'd be free to watch the pageant, and there will be Christmas events with the SCA and church and so on. I don't think I'll be desperately lacking Christmas events. Not to mention that medieval Christmas carols are my favourites anyway ;)

So I'm torn and trying to make a decision about whether or not I'm staying or going with band. I've missed nearly two months of rehearsals between viruses and the school camp, so I feel very behind. I have to go back at least once to drop my uniform off, but otherwise I'm not sure I want to go back. I've got to make a decision by next Tuesday really. And before the fee invoices for this financial year come out! I don't know what I want.

I've got a headache that is hovering on the edge of migraine territory, and a queasy stomach, and I'm more supervising than actually teaching today. I'm feeling the pressure because my housemate may be moving out in a month or so (moving closer to work) and my school is having financial wobbles (lots of kids withdrew because their parents just can't afford the fees in the financial crisis) and although we're working on it, I'm terrified I'm going to be retrenched. I know the principal doesn't want to lose anyone and is pulling out all stops to avoid that, but I'm still worrying.

The SCA is much, much cheaper than any of my other interests, and I can do singing, flute, dancing, arts and crafts, sewing and so on through it so it's extremely wide-ranging and valuable. I just feel a little strange about putting all my eggs in one basket. But then again, perhaps I should be keeping them all together . . .

Busy Weekend

My stepfather turned 50 yesterday, and tonight Mum is throwing a huge party for him. Between 40 and 50 people are coming, and we're providing all of the food. Nibbles, mains, desserts, everything - all home made! So I've spent the whole day at Mum's, making cheesecake balls and potato salads and so on. Not to mention coaxing smiles out of my sister who was having a sulky 13-year-old day and had a row with Mum! I'm at home again now, waiting for my hair to dry so I can get dressed and head back over there to help Mum set stuff out before the guests start to arrive. My feet are sore but I'm looking forward to the party. It should be fun.

Tomorrow I'm going to a friend's birthday lunch and then later in the afternoon heading to a few of my favourite (and much less frequently visited than they should be) shops to buy bits and pieces for my SCA costumes. I need some sort of overdress with a belt, shoes, and perhaps some sort of headdress. Looking forward to that!

Must go get ready now . . .

Inspiration

Because I was feeling so grey and low today, I decided to spend this evening picking a new interest to join. Pursuing new interests is part of my grief recovery plan. After Mr S Bananahead and I broke up I joined the choir up in Wongan Hills, and then when I moved back to Perth I continued the music theme by joining the concert band. I also gave one choir a try, but found that I was the youngest there by 10 years, and younger than the average age by at least 20. I felt fish-out-of-water-ish and didn't really enjoy it. So I've stuck with band, and that's been great. But I knew I was wanting another life-building, friendship-building activity.

Over the past week or so I'd considered volunteering as a museum guide, or taking up karate again. The first quickly lost its appeal when I realised that what they actually want are mere ticket and icecream sellers! The karate idea still stands, except that I'm not fit enough to join yet and it's quite expensive. So I was casting around for something that appealed and would help me to grow and change.

I've settled on something I've always wanted to do, since I was a teenager, and I've never had the courage, transport or money to do: I've joined a mediaeval re-enactment society.

I can't go to any of the events for two weeks, but I've signed up with the appropriate yahoo groups and started an email dialogue with one of the organisers, and I'm really excited about it. Costumes, roleplaying, opportunities for sewing and craft and dance and music making . . . this is going to be AWESOME.

I remember longing to do something like this when I visited the Grey Company with a family friend when I was 14. It's taken me a while, but I am going to thoroughly enjoy it.

Alright, who's from Estonia?!

Someone from Estonia has been hitting my blog frequently for days.

I can't think of anyone I know from Estonia, online or otherwise, but if you're from there please let me know in a comment - the curiosity is killing me :)

Strangeness & Update . . .

A very odd thing happened at church today. During the sermon, a guy walked quickly into the cathedral and straight up the centre aisle, without pausing or showing any sign that he realised he might be interrupting. He cut through the nave, past the altar, and over to the prayer candles; dropped a coin in the box, lit a candle, crossed himself and walked straight back out again.

The Dean kept right on with his sermon, and no one moved to intercept the guy, but there was a fair bit of staring from the congregation.

What made it all the stranger was that this guy, based on appearance, was the kind of guy you would cross the road to avoid. His look and clothing and expression were all the sort you see on crimestoppers videos or on notices warning the public not to approach a dangerous offender. The look on his face and the determined way he walked raised all the hairs on the back of my neck - he looked just like the kind of guy who snatches bags or threatens people with knives. Nasty-looking.

His look, and the setting, and his actions, made the whole thing rather surreal. I made sure to pray that he didn't come in and light the candle because he was about to go off and do something awful!

*

I'm flat out at the moment getting ready to take my class on camp on Wednesday. I've been flat out organising it and getting everything ready, and I'm still not sure I've covered all my bases! With any luck we should be alright. It's going to be very cold down south but it looks like the weather should stay fine, so we should have a great time.

Fear (aka Wow)

Just now I was doing one of those silly fill-in-the-blanks quizzes on Facebook, and one of the questions was "I Fear: _". I tried on a few answers for size, answers that have always been true before. Being lonely, not having kids, etc. And I found that they didn't fit. I don't want them, but they're not things I fear any more. I cast around for an answer and found only one thing that fits: my temper. This is of course excluding trite things like wasps and unlikely things like violent crime. In the course of my daily existence, the only thing that I fear now is something that is part of me, and more importantly, something I control.

Wow.

Stupid advert anyway . . .

There are two adverts on TV right now which bring tears to my eyes every time I watch them. Predictably, they're to do with children and families. One is for McDonald's, one is for Kinder Surprise. I am getting SO tired of tearing up every time I watch them. MD laughs at me for it, but I can't help it.

This is the first one.

Every time I see the older brother say "coming, Sam?" (around the 50 second mark) . . . cue blurry eyes.

The other one I can't find on the internet, but the gist of it is that a father leaves the office early in order to surprise his young son by picking him up from school (he then of course treats him to a Kinder Surprise, but that's not the point lol). It's clearly originally in another language (Australian boys don't call their fathers "Papa" for a start!) but it still gets me every time. Damnit.