Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Impatient & Lonely

I have been in a bit of a mood the last couple of days. There's a good (biological) reason for that, although of course I only figured that out after the teary meltdown!

Through all these little mood swings I've been in the grip of an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I realised that, for the first time since coming to the UK, I'm actually getting significant uninterrupted swathes of me-time. When I was first here the share house was a novelty and I had nice girls to talk to, and then I was with my ex and had to be constantly alert and sensitive to his moods. I couldn't listen to my own music or just zone out or work on something pointless and ridiculous for hours. I've loved having that back this week - I'm starting to feel like myself again - but at the same time, there's a loss there. Fuelled by the fact that there is someone from Perth whom I'm missing like crazy (he knows who he is), I'm flailing around just wanting someone to cuddle up to. It's a very physical sort of loneliness, craving contact that no much internet chatting, no matter how affectionate, can quite replace.

And at the same time, I'm almost afraid of finding someone. The ease with which I slipped into yet another dysfunctional relationship scares the pants off me. I absolutely do not want another relationship like that. And in a more general way I'm scared that I'll just find myself back in another monogamous, vanilla, dull relationship like all the others I've had. I've spend my entire adult life hiding what actually interests me because I was afraid (... of everything...). Sometimes I feel like I'll go nuts if I can't start exploring all of that side of myself, right this moment. I want to find people with whom I feel safe sharing the real me and who will understand and I want them now damn it.

But I'm not ready right now... the ongoing mental arguments with the ex are proof of that, although they're easing. I want all this and I want to be ready for it now, and it's incredibly frustrating that I'm not.

And there's no solution but time. I'm doing everything else I can, I just have to wait. Meh.


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