Getting My Nerve Back

Back in 2004-05 I wrote a good 20,000 words of a fantasy story that had been kicking around in my head since I was 16. It was going pretty well (for my skills at the time) until I realised that there was a fatal flaw in my characterisation of the 9 main characters, and the whole thing fell apart.

After that I lost my nerve for writing. It was the longest thing I'd ever written, though I'd crossed the 10,000 word mark several times as a verbose teenager, and abandoning it seemed to switch off the flow of words in my head. I still wanted to write, and still dabbled in plotting stories constantly, but I couldn't build plots that made me happy, and I couldn't get the words out. I took several long breaks from any sort of writing, set myself targets, joined NaNoWriMo repeatedly, but nothing broke through.

Tomorrow night is Halloween, Samhain, the eve of the Celtic & Pagan new year. And I have made a commitment to myself that it will be the beginning of a new writing life for me. I'm letting go of the fear that I can't write well enough any more. In its place I am welcoming the knowledge that however imperfect and awkward my first attempts are, I can and will write, and I will continue until develop and grow until I am the writer I know I can be.

Serendipitously, it is also the eve of National Novel Writing Month, and thus begins my first writing project of my new writing life. I am working on the latest, greatest iteration of that original story, and I intend to see it through this time. I'm spending this weekend getting ready, doing my planning and preparation, so that all is in readiness. 50,000 words, here I come. Nothing can stop me this time.