Christine, Wondering

Random Musings of a Human Becoming

Thursday, September 9, 2010


In the blog post about bisexuality I revealed something I'd kept secret for a long time: my former attraction to my former best-friend-since-high-school. I noticed today that the girl in question has de-friended me on facebook sometime in the past week or so - I can't quite remember the last time I saw a post of hers, but it wouldn't have been very long ago.

I didn't mention her by name, but if she'd read my blog post she would have been able to identify herself. I was operating on the assumption that she wouldn't read it, because she's gone out of her way to demonstrate how much she doesn't give a damn about me (this has been her attitude for many years, even before our friendship officially blew up). But perhaps she is reading, and did see, and that's why she de-friended me. *shrug*

I'm trying hard not to care. It is triggering my abandonment issues like crazy, and there's some unresolved grief there too, both for the friendship and for the unrequited attraction. I spent years and years hanging around, hoping she would be as into the friendship as I was, not daring even for a minute to admit that what I felt for her was more than friendship. She was often a lousy friend and sometimes treated me as badly as many of my boyfriends, and it hurt all the more because I secretly loved her. A pretty dysfunctional fourteen-year mess!

So I'm a bit hurt and a bit sad, but grateful for the loving people I have around me, and glad that I'm confident and happy enough that I can work through the loss and let everything about that friendship go. My life is here and now, and it's wonderful... and she is not in it. There it ends.


i am pretty sure i know who you're talking about, and you know she's not worth it. and hasn't been for a long time. i know it hurts, but in the end, she wasn't worth it in the beginning and i know you'll get past it. *hugs*
Beth, I'm sure you do know who I mean - you met her quite a few times and know what she was like. It's amazing how you can end up disliking someone intensely yet miss them painfully at the same time.

And I'm trying to get through it without any cats at all. How is that fair? ;)
not very fair at all. to be honest, i don't really remember her, only what you've told me. but i still say - not worth it. but i do realise that, considering your new post, it definitely can't be easy for you.

but i'm still here, and don't plan on buggering off any time soon. :p

ps missy sends love and purrs.

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